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Old 08-30-2010, 02:28 PM   #1
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midori29 HB User
My mother is driving me insane, help, what to do!

My dad died 12 years ago, since then my mom has not dated anyone since. Anyhow she lives out of town. I try to call her everyday to check on her, but she likes to start drama and disturb my mental state. The nicer I am to her, because I feel sorry for her, the worse she gets. She is living by herself and barely has friends coming around. She is 67yrs old now. Year by year she seems to get worse.

She brings up past boyfriends and relationships that I tell her about. I have learned not to tell her about my relationships. Any new guy I tell her about, she says very bad negative things about him, whilst she has never met him and discourages me from continuing. Anytime I try to have a regular conversation, she delves into my personal relationships. She tries desperately to find out what is going on in my life.

I am divorced from a physically abusive man, and she brings him up all of the time, and says I should have worked out the marriage. She still defends him, even though he is remarried with kids! She says I still should call him an confide in him and possibly get back together with him.

A recent nice guy really really like me, I made the mistake of telling her and she criticized him to the core. She never met me. She called him all sorts of names and tried to convince me, he does not really like me and and that he was using me. I showed her his picture.

 
Old 08-31-2010, 02:54 AM   #2
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parktan HB User
Re: My mother is driving me insane, help, what to do!

Jeez -- read a book, "A Primer on Evil"

It even has a chapter saying, "The nicer you are, the meaner they get."

Bottom line: She wants to control you by infantilizing herself.

Every time you mention something good in your life -- like a nice boyfriend -- she panics and gets mean, because that takes you one step further away from taking care of her.

This is a no-win situation. Take care of yourself, first.

 
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Old 10-23-2010, 10:31 AM   #3
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Cloverberry52 HB User
Re: My mother is driving me insane, help, what to do!

I've had problems with my mother, so much I had to stop contact with her completely. She's not completely alone. Read the book Toxic Parents.

 
Old 10-25-2010, 09:16 PM   #4
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leopard777 HB Userleopard777 HB Userleopard777 HB Userleopard777 HB User
Re: My mother is driving me insane, help, what to do!

My uncle always blamed me when i was young. He was 67 years old.
he was like you said talking nicely, but that was criticisms.
I was only 16, 17 years old.
Then after i met more people from outside the familly circle.
at School, then at work, new people i use to know in this new city.
I was living far from my familly this time. That was good.
I visited my familly only three times a year.

And i use to know so many new people, in this city i was living.
That gave me strongness.
After that i noticed immeditely when this uncle started to blame me.
After that, I answeared to him immediately.
At the same time people from the familly cicrle told me funny things about the past of this man.
And with this naughty news, i remembered him his past, he losed face.
And don't make any trouble now.

Yes like you say, old people can use the pitty tool. They can speak softly, and pretending to suffer. in a way to make close relatives staying with them.
Some old people know their neighbourhood. have fellows. remain quite independant.
Some don't know anybody. and must use pitty tricks to keep the son next to them.

Last edited by leopard777; 10-25-2010 at 09:46 PM.

 
Old 10-26-2010, 06:38 AM   #5
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dan49 HB User
Re: My mother is driving me insane, help, what to do!

I know you probably love your mom even though it seems she is trying to control you, so you dont have anyone either. I would say take this approach if you want to still want to try tp help your mom. Call her up and tell her mom I love you but these are my boundries. Let her know the 2 of you can discuss things but if she starts running you down you will hang up and call tomorrow. Do this every time you talk to her if she cannot keep the boundry tell in a firm but nice way that you are hanging up and you will call tomorrow. Do this time and time again she will either quit talking that way or she might not want to talk to you anymore (that is a risk you are taking)

Hope everything works out for you.

 
Old 10-30-2010, 05:52 PM   #6
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Misssty HB UserMisssty HB UserMisssty HB UserMisssty HB UserMisssty HB UserMisssty HB User
Re: My mother is driving me insane, help, what to do!

Your mother is stuck in the "old" mind set of together forever...and is let down by your failed marriage...and is punishing you for it. Notice she hasn't remarried..because she thinks it is wrong. And she thinks that every guy you dated since your marriage is wrong. The guy was a jerk to you Geez. You unfortunetly can't change her because she has been this way for a very long time. The next time she brings up your X...remind her that he is your X because he was NOT NICE to you. And I would tell her the next time that she puts down anything you do...that you want to be able to talk to her and that she is making it hard by being negative about everything that you say...and that you don't want to...but it seems like you will have to limit what you talk to her about. My mother is wicked controlling and I have almost the same situation. My X was abused me...cheated on me with my own sister....but she still treats him better than she treats my new boyfriend..who is really good to me...and I believe that is because when i was with My X...her and my X had better control over me. I now live my own life...and my mother does not like the loss of that control. But, in your case...I think your mother can't accept that your marriage fails...and she doesn't talk to your X...everyday...but she has you on the line to belittle for it. Its a belief system...I don't think she can change.

 
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