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Old 05-07-2011, 10:42 AM   #1
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My mother-in-law is slowly killing my husband

Help..I am at the end of my rope. My 86 year-old mother-in-law is insulin dependent and can barely walk. She refuses to move out of her home which is in an area that is deteriorating. She lives 2 hours from us and we deal with the stress of worrying about her daily. My husband spends most of his time driving back and forth, staying for days, so that she can keep a house that is to be destroyed upon her death. The stress is killing him....She won't move near us or in with us even though she has the financial means to do anything she wants to. Any suggesstions? It's tearing apart our marriage because we have families too and should be able to enjoy them and the life we have worked for so long. Thanks

 
Old 05-08-2011, 08:38 AM   #2
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Re: My mother-in-law is slowly killing my husband

These may be things you've already done but didn't say so pardon if they are redundant.

Who has her power of attorney? Have you talked with her doctor? He can "prescribe" what you want her to do. Such things are a nursing facility "until she gets where she can live on her own", same for live in and/or daily visiting nurse care, etc. I strongly suggest you talk to her doctor first.

You say the house will be destroyed upon her death. Can you get the city to "condemn" the house now? You understand, I hope, that use of quote marks here and above are not necessarily factual comments rather those that you want HER to think are factual.

 
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Old 05-08-2011, 09:54 AM   #3
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Re: My mother-in-law is slowly killing my husband

I definately agree with Titchou. Before your family is totally torn apart can you get her to accept a live in companion? Many times older folks just don't wish to leave their home as it makes them feel less independant. However, her requesting your husband's presence so much is not fair to you or your family. If hubby feels she isn't safe by herself they have those alarm systems that can be worn in case of any emergency. Definately time for a long talk with both her and her Dr.

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Old 05-10-2011, 09:24 AM   #4
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Re: My mother-in-law is slowly killing my husband

Having gone through AZ with my mom I know what it is like..except we live 1200 miles from home.

If you r hubby doesn't have POA he needs to get it. He also needs durable power of attorney. He also needs to be put on the checking accounts so he can monitor the spending..

If she is insistant that she stays put then get nursing help or elder care for her.

YOur hubby will have to be firm and repeat to his mom that he will come, but not everytime she forgets her meds or doesn't feel right or whatever...And he does need to get in to see her doctor...but he needs the POA to do that.

keep us posted.

 
Old 05-23-2011, 06:39 AM   #5
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Re: My mother-in-law is slowly killing my husband

Who has power of attorney..................sounds like they need to talk with the doctor.....she needs home health care...............and if that does not work.........change her to assisted living ............that does not work......then a nursing home........................

 
Old 06-22-2011, 10:47 AM   #6
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Re: My mother-in-law is slowly killing my husband

What legal steps need to be taken in order to be granted POA? Must the person you're seeking POA for agree to it? How much are the lawyer fees for creating this document?

 
Old 06-22-2011, 02:47 PM   #7
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Re: My mother-in-law is slowly killing my husband

Hi. I take it you are wanting to know about power of attorney over person. Say, for example, an person has dementia and short term memory loss. In order to now get DPA for this person, a psychiatrist or family doctor needs to state, in writing, the person cannot make decisions for themselves. Then you can file for conservatorship over the person, both for health care needs and financial needs. You can do this yourself or hire an attorney.
As long as a person can make decisions for themselves, even if you disagree with their decisions, you cannot be DPA unless that person signs papers stating you can make decisions for them.
For example, sometimes an elderly person comes into the hospital and will bring paperwork stating that they appoint someone to make decisions for them.
If someone comes to the hospital and is alert and oriented but then becomes disoriented for some reason then the doctor will look to the spouse, if no spouse, the children, if no children then siblings to make decisions.
There are lawyers that work with elder care issues and if you call the BAR association you can get, for a small fee, a half hour consultation with a lawyer who can guide you. I hope this was helpful.
My grandfather had Alzheimer disease and needed someone to look after his care and finances. I got conservator ship over this by taking him to not only his family doctor but to a psychiatrist and then I filled out the court papers myself and had a court date. Also needed to notify everyone in the family in case anyone protested. The judge then granted me conservator ship and I was able to care for him until he passed. I could not afford a lawyer at the time and did all the paperwork myself. Best of luck

 
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Old 06-22-2011, 05:24 PM   #8
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Re: My mother-in-law is slowly killing my husband

Thanks Rosebud. Last question. When you go to court before a judge, is it in a large courtroom full of other people or just a small room with you and the judge present?

 
Old 06-22-2011, 06:13 PM   #9
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Re: My mother-in-law is slowly killing my husband

That will vary from jurisdiction to jurisdiction. You should call you local chapter of the ABA for a referral to an elder care attorney. Most will give you a 30 minute free consultation. You also need to get POAs for yourself and your husband - financial and medical. In Alabama you have both in one document, which is what I have and my mother had. So I could go see her doctor, write checks (but I was on her account anyway) and do anything she would have otherwise done for herself. I strongly advise you to talk with an attorney to make sure it is done correctly.

 
Old 06-22-2011, 06:37 PM   #10
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Re: My mother-in-law is slowly killing my husband

I live in California so things may be different here. But when I went before the judge he already had the paperwork I had filed with the court. There were other people in the room and I just waited until he called my name. My grandfather actually had children before he met my grandmother and so they were notified so that they could appear in court if they disagreed with my wanting to be conservator and express their views to the judge.
Here in California, the BAR will give you what is called a free half an hour consultation but it's really not free because you have to pay a small fee for the referral to the lawyer.
I think it was $35 or so. It's well worth it to make sure you get some legal advise. I would write down all the questions so that you are prepared prior to seeing the lawyer.
I ended up doing all the paperwork myself and went to court myself because I really couldn't afford a lawyer. But if you can afford one, I would go that way. Hope this is helpful

 
Old 06-23-2011, 09:00 PM   #11
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Re: My mother-in-law is slowly killing my husband

I am agree with you and also feeling sad for you. It is the problem of old people. They don't try to understand anything. In this case what should we do? We only can do we can try to understand her our feelings and problems. Wish you all the best.

 
Old 07-04-2011, 06:43 AM   #12
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Re: My mother-in-law is slowly killing my husband

Your husband needs to tell his mother that he is unable to travel and be away from his family so much and that she needs to move closer to his family. He needs to have respect for his mother, but he needs to protect his marriage and be with his children. His mother should understand this and that he will take care of her close to his home, but if she doesn't, that is her choice. He should not feel guilty for her stubborn attitude.

 
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