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Old 07-12-2013, 03:10 PM   #1
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Trooper99 HB User
Unhappy Guilt

Has anybody been made to feel guilty because they have refused to live with their elderly mom (86). I'm separated from a controlling husband who has cheated on me for years. My dad passed away and my mom says she doesn't like living alone. My psychiatrist thinks it's a bad idea, and I told my mom so. She's offended. I work full time and I wouldn't have any "me" time at all. I know this sounds mean, but mom can be very controlling also. Don't know what to do.

Trooper99

 
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Old 07-14-2013, 06:18 AM   #2
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Budgiegirl HB UserBudgiegirl HB User
Re: Guilt

Quite often in life, we are drawn to situations and relationships that have their roots in our childhood. It sounds as though you married a man who reflected your mother (I.e., controlling, disregard for your wants or needs). Please take your psychiatrist's advice and DO NOT move in with your mother. As you are currently seeing a therapist, then some part of you recognizes your need to start living your life for yourself. We don't get any second chances and insight costs so much that you have to listen to that small inner voice that has been urging you to examine your life -- examine your life to today and ask yourself these questions:
'Am I happy with my life?
Have I accomplished what I wanted?
How much time do I realistically have left?
Do I really want to keep living my life to please others?"

We don't need to crush others in the pursuit of our happiness, but we certainly do not 'owe' anyone our precious life -- your mother has her own life to live, and while you may not mind helping her achieve happiness, you don't 'owe' her your piece of mind.

Guilt is toxic -- tell your mother that while you will alwayslove her, you will restrict contact with her if she insists on playing word games. Something like, 'I love you too much mom to let these word games taint my experiences with you.'

You may need to flat out ignore her when she starts with the guilt trips. It will be hard initially because she is used to pressing your buttons, so you will have to deactivate them. Good luck and God bless.

 
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