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Old 02-01-2004, 03:44 PM   #1
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Unhappy My Husband and His Family Put Dad In An Assisted Living Home This Afternoon

I'm so sad for my father-in-law and my husband's family. He and his siblings all went to his parent's home today and moved their Dad to his new apartment.

My Husband called me, crying, and I couldn't find the words to comfort him! He is upset because his Dad doesn't know who his sons are, and I can't think of anything other than to tell him I love him. His parents live out of town, so he won't be coming home until tomorrow. I wish his Mom would not have asked the In-Laws not to come!

 
Old 02-01-2004, 08:08 PM   #2
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Re: My Husband and His Family Put Dad In An Assisted Living Home This Afternoon

You can only hold you husband close when he returns, assure him that they did the right thing even tho it hurts so much--AD makes grown men weep every day. Know that they did not do this lightly. Unless your MIL had unending support, it was probably done to save her--we have to learn to save the caregivers. Don't be hard on her, she has to be suffering and she has a right to be only with her children if that gives her extra comfort while she goes thru this profound trauma.

 
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Old 02-02-2004, 04:13 AM   #3
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Re: My Husband and His Family Put Dad In An Assisted Living Home This Afternoon

Betty,
Thanks for your reply. I did not mean to imply that I was upset with my MIL, only that I felt bad thet I could not be with my Husband. I will certainly be as supportive of both of them. I think I am more sad than anything else...

 
Old 02-02-2004, 05:43 PM   #4
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Re: My Husband and His Family Put Dad In An Assisted Living Home This Afternoon

Quote:
Originally Posted by LisannQuick
Sammy,
I am glad that you posted your feelings and your husbands feelings. I actually manage an Assisted Living facility and began my career in a Alzheimer's area of the building. Depending on which home the family has chosen, this is the best thing for your father in law, your MIL, your husband, and his siblings. The strain of being a primary caregiver to one with AD is at times exhausting and stressful. It is a fact that primary care givers of the elderly are prone to illnesses (such as a common cold) easier, sleep less hours at night, and generally become withdrawn quickly. Your MIL needs help and support as well as the whole family and your FIL. Hopefully the assisted living he is now in is one with special programming for AD patients. I find that it makes a world of difference and the quality of life increases much more than if he was staying at home. I find that as I manage one of these facilities I spend more time with the family and offering them support more than the actual resident. I think this is the most important part of my job and feel honored that families turn to me for questions, concerns, and support. Some other things that may be helpful; Alzheimer's Association, support groups, one on one with your FIL and time apart, talking about it (letting your husband share his feelings and frusterations), writing or journaling, etc. I have been with families like your husband (in tears when there is a move in) and with time and some education that family has become more comfortable with the situation. It will take some time.
AD is no one's fault. It is easy to blame someone when the blaming should go to the disease. The things your FIL do and not do, remember and not remember are out of his control. It is very easy to forget that part when caring for a loved one with AD. Hang in there! Make sure you (and the whole family) take time for yourselves as well.
-M-
Lisann-
Thanks for your note, it sure does help. The home my FIL is in is actually kind of neat. It is a large extended family that has older adults as well as young children and pets living in the facility. Each patient has their own mini-apartment (sans kitchen). They have their own furniture and belongings from home. I think once his children moved his things in (FIL and MIL went out for long lunch), they were kind of at ease. My husband came home sad, but kind of relieved. We will go visit in about 2 weeks. My husband was having a hard time because FIL did not know who he was (he's the youngest child).

Thanks for your understanding and wise words.

Jan

 
Old 02-04-2004, 07:28 PM   #5
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BarbaraH HB UserBarbaraH HB UserBarbaraH HB UserBarbaraH HB User
Re: My Husband and His Family Put Dad In An Assisted Living Home This Afternoon

Hi,

Many of us have similar stories. I'm an only child. I had to move my 85 year old widowed mother into an assisted living facility 2 years ago because she had rapidly advancing Alzheimers (forgot how to make coffee, work her washing machine, dial "1" before a long distance call, opened the same Christmas gift bag 3 times and was equally delighted each time, forgot math, etc, ad infinitum). I lived halfway across the continent. The facility was really nice, she had an apartment with her own furniture, but she was mad, upset, we cried together and I stenciled the living room, bedroom, and kitchenette walls to work off the guilt. 6 months later she didn't know me, didn't recognize her furniture, and was concerned she'd be late for school and that her mother didn't know where she was. She forgot how to walk a year ago and can no longer dress or feed herself.

Most of my tears were shed 2 years ago and I know I couldn't be awake to give her the 24 hour care she needs. The best advise I got for me was to be kind to myself because I cannot be superman. The best advise I got for Mom was to have an antidepressant pill prescribed for her - it's depressing to be aware this is happening. She is happy, smiles when she sees me, though she cannot call my name. I asked her recently if she knew I was her daughter and she said, "Really?" I always call her Mom and always hug her and tell her I love her. She seldom talks, but can still say "that's nice" when hugged, and "I love you, too."

If some of the furniture went with your father-in-law, it's probably extra sad and empty at the house now and the empty places where furniture was makes it worse. You MIL may need some furniture to fill the empty places. She may need extra care soon, too.

You're not alone on the unwelcome path. Blessings - Barbara

 
Old 03-10-2004, 03:31 AM   #6
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Re: My Husband and His Family Put Dad In An Assisted Living Home This Afternoon

Jan - Thank you for the post. I am in a situation where I will be moving my mother into a facility soon, possibly sooner than I think. Next week I am going to PA to try to get my mother to day care three days a week since my father is unable to do it - and to arrange some coverage on alternate days as well. I suspect it will be a major struggle and that my mother truly should be placed permanently, but we want to try this alternative first to see how that goes. I have noone to help me with my parents except a distant cousin. I suppose I will call her to help me pack things while my parents go out for breakfast or something. I really don't know how to handle it even though I've done tons of reading. I feel overwhelmed and like there is a huge burden on me. I am furious with my father for being unable to do more. I know that is inappropriate and unfair to my father but I feel such sadness and rage. My husband is out of work, interviewing, and can not come with me next week and I dread the week coming more than anything I've ever been through before. Thanks for listening, everyone. Snooks.
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Old 03-10-2004, 06:10 PM   #7
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MrsLee HB User
Re: My Husband and His Family Put Dad In An Assisted Living Home This Afternoon

I just wanted to let you know that I empathize with you. My husband's family put his grandpa in a home last summer. The same day my husband found out his best friend had terminal cancer. So I know how it feels to not know what to say or do to comfort someone. People outside this situation often don't seem to understand that the decision to put a loved one in a home is not one that's made lightly. In this case it was an agonizing decision ultimately made to save my husband's grandma. For us it has not gotten any easier, as he has gone downhill incredibly fast. I wish I could tell you it gets easier though. I wish I had something more positive to say about it, but AD is a horrible disease. Just try and support your husband and his family as much as possible, because thats all you can do. I wish you the best of luck in dealing with this. God bless.

 
Old 03-14-2004, 10:58 AM   #8
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Re: My Husband and His Family Put Dad In An Assisted Living Home This Afternoon

Jan, my mother was in an assisted living complex for 15 months until she began hallucinating frequently, at which time I had her admitted for evaluation....The meds she is on are really helping. It was recommended that mother (age 94) go into a nursing home, but when we went to visit several, she left feeling there was not a "spark of inspiration coming from anyone". I brought her home to stay with me, and she has been here for 6 months. Mother still thinks she is in the assisted living place where many people are attending to her. She does not recognize me as her daughter, but always calls me by my real name.....when she talks to my friends she refers to me as her daughter....at first I was hurt....but now I treat this with a great deal of humor. The docotor gave me Buspar which I take twice a day.....it relieves the stress and anxiety. Mother thinks I am the greatest person going.......but she does not think of me as her daughter.......what is important is that I know who I am and who she is...I have learned that we need to treat these times with a great deal of humor....mother and I laugh a lot....it doesn't bother me now as much that she doesn't know who I am, but that she loves me for who/what I am to her at this stage of her life.

I go to a caregiver's luncheon every month...Even tho you are not the cregiver, find a place where you can go and share these feelings with others who are dealing with the same types of things...it really helps. Check to see if there is such help at the assisted living complex.

REMEMBER: The person having the stress is not your FIL....Sometimes I think God has a way of protecting these people in these later years.

*****The human spirit is stronger than anything that can happen to it.

Anna
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Old 03-14-2004, 04:43 PM   #9
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Re: My Husband and His Family Put Dad In An Assisted Living Home This Afternoon

Thanks for all of your support and kind messages. My FIL is having a rough time-He's tried to run away,etc. Hopefully, he'll adjust very soon!

Jan

 
Old 03-14-2004, 06:57 PM   #10
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Re: My Husband and His Family Put Dad In An Assisted Living Home This Afternoon

Hi Jan,

Your FIL may not be running away,because that requires intention. He may be wandering away. There's a difference. My Mom wandered the halls of her assisted living facility at night, talked with the night staff, and several times walked out the front door and kept going - each time she was "caught" be a watchful staff member. Once she walked out at 9pm and was found several blocks away. That was frightening for me, but Mom was oblivious to everything, even that it was nighttime. It was then I had to place her in a locked facility for her safety. That was so sad for me, but Mom didn't even notice the change.

I wish you well - Barbara

 
Old 03-18-2004, 03:41 AM   #11
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Arrow Re: My Husband and His Family Put Dad In An Assisted Living Home This Afternoon

hello Is an Assisted Living Facility affordable? I live in Queens, NY and would want my parent to be near me but in an excellent facility. Can anyone recommend one? (assuming its allowed to share that type of info on this board). Thank you and good luck!
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Old 03-19-2004, 03:15 AM   #12
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Re: My Husband and His Family Put Dad In An Assisted Living Home This Afternoon

Quote:
Originally Posted by Min2003
hello Is an Assisted Living Facility affordable? I live in Queens, NY and would want my parent to be near me but in an excellent facility. Can anyone recommend one? (assuming its allowed to share that type of info on this board). Thank you and good luck!
There are a number of things to consider when placing someone in an Assisted Living setting. Mother was 93. Mother had a fairly large room with an alcove where her bed, dresser, night stand and TV were. She had a samll kitchen with a full-size refrigerator, sink, microwave and cupboards. The bath was handicapped accessible. This was adequate for her.

Residence were required to eat in the dining hall, unless they were sick.

The monthly cost was $2500.00 That seems to be the going rate...someplaces more. For this one gets private room, three meals a day, house cleaning once a week, medications, bed made daily, and about an hours a day's worth of care which adds up very fast. More than an hour increases the rate by $300.00 a month for an extra hour, and $300.00 more for additional hour beyond that. This cost does not include phone or TV.

In the 15 months she was there, we paid out about $37,000. The Value for us, was the fact that someone was there keeping a watch over the residence.

Mother did not like all of the attention, nor did she like the idea of dressing everyday and going "out" to eat. **The food was okay......No one liked the soup and sandwich almost every night for supper. The main meal was at noon.

****** Make sure you question staff and other residences and their families for their opinions. I did not like the turnover in staff.....nor did I feel that residence assistants were screened well enough....for too many it was just a job.....I felt they were understaffed, also

When one can no longer go to the diningroom for meals, they will need to find another facility....by that time financial resources can be drained when they need the most care.

Good luck in your search for answers to meet your needs.
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Old 05-02-2004, 10:06 AM   #13
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Re: My Husband and His Family Put Dad In An Assisted Living Home This Afternoon

Hello, Much of what's on this thread is familiar to me. My dad died of Alzh. in '91 after being cared for at home by my mother. Now, she is 86, living in an assisted living facility, and although her mind is fine, her health is failing. She misses "home" and can't understand why she can't go back. It would be totally impossible for her to be there by herself any more. We went through over 3 years of combinations of family and paid workers coming in or staying with her, and finally had to face that she needed a full time facility. She does fall down sometimes, and cannot cook for herself, bathe or of course drive anymore (weak/slow reflexes/poor eyesight).
My heart goes to each and every one who has written about their loved ones on this board. We want to do what is best for our loved one and it's often a difficult path to travel. Often the confused older person "blames" you when you are doing all in your power to help. Bless you all - - you feel alone sometimes in your struggle, but you're not!
The good news is, after 6 months in this assisted living home, Mom is doing as well as possible, and growing to actually care about her fellow "inmates," as she calls them! They eat together and share family news, and have a wonderful couple who take care of them. Such places do exist!
Prayers to all in the generation in between.... who deal with those older AND those younger!
Gatormom

 
Old 05-02-2004, 02:07 PM   #14
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Re: My Husband and His Family Put Dad In An Assisted Living Home This Afternoon

We who have Alzheimer's DO feel stress,every day.Whether it's getting in the shower,changing clothes,using the bathroom,to eating.When we are under stress of any kind we tand to get angry,cuss,lash out,you name it,we do it...........

 
Old 05-02-2004, 04:15 PM   #15
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sammysmomma HB User
Re: My Husband and His Family Put Dad In An Assisted Living Home This Afternoon

Thanks to all of you who have replied! My FIL is fading fast...maybe for the best. He has tried to run away twice now. The last time we visited, he was sitting in a chair staring at the blinds and unable to speak clearly. Unfortunately, (or maybe fortunately) it has been a quick downward spiral. I seems so quick!

 
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