Caregivers and patients-I need advice please. - Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

LuvMyLilDoggie · 05-01-2004, 06:17 PM

My dad has been recently diagnosed with alzheimers. He is still awaiting a CT scan to rule out any stokes. My husband, 15 y/o son and I moved in with dad at the end of March. We decided to move in with him because his house is paid for and we figured it would be easier for him to stay in familiar surroundings.
He's to the point now that he can no longer manage his money. He finally realizes this and offered to let me take care of his checkbook for him.
One of our biggest problems is his hygiene and the fact that he cannot always control his bodily functions. I understand that he cannot always control his bladder or bowels. I have no problem with that. It's the not showering or washing his hands. I have tried to talk to him delicately because I don't want to strip him of his dignity. Yesterday, he got mad because I went into his bedroom and told him he needed to shower. Well, all you-know-what broke loose. I used to argue back but I've found that I can better manage the situation if I just say something like "You're a grown man. You have the right to make your own decisions" and I walk into another room.
But this shower thing is starting to get to me. He stayed peed off at me for a little while.
There's another thing that concerns me. He took the written and driving test last March and got a driver's liscence good for four more years. I can't believe he passed it! He scares the heck out of me when he drives and he constantly forgets where he is and where he's going. He needs his liscense taken away. Do you think the doctor would reccomend to the state that his liscense be taken away if I talked to her? He left my sister's house recently and said he went to a town that would take about 3 hours to get to. He says he got there, turned around and came back. Didn't stop to eat or anything. He was gone for more than 12 hours. I don't want to go through that again. Those of you who have been through or are going through this, can you please advise me on how to get through this?
I've been thinking about books. Any suggestions?
Thank you sooooo much! I think I'm going to be visiting here a LOT!

Barb

BarbaraH · 05-03-2004, 03:10 PM

Hi Barb,

My sympathies! I faced this with my mom about 3 years ago, but had to move her into an assisted living facility because I lived so far away.

If you do not have Durable Power of Attorney for your father, DO THIS NOW! An elder care attorney can fully advise you, but you cannot pay his bills, access his accounts, or make medical decisions for him without this legal document. Once a lawyer has drawn up the papers and your father has agreed and signed them (in the lawyer's presence), you will take the POA to city hall to have it registered.

You should talk to his doctor about putting him on one of the meds. that slows Alzheimer's and maybe in an anti-depressant, too. My mom benefitted from an anti-depressant. After all, it's a sad thing to see your mind slipping away.

I took mom's car keys away from her and locked her car in the garage when she moved into the assisted living facility. She was angry with me, but she'd already tried to leave home at 11pm and forgotten a jillion things. I told her it was to keep her safe and that I didn't want her to be frightened when she got lost. I can see this would be harder for a man.

About the cleanliness issue. I'm sorry to say it's going to get worse as he forgets more and more. He may be aware that he needs help and cannot ask for it or forgets to ask. If he's steady on his feet, maybe a daily shower will help. Maybe installing a grab bar in the shower will help. Maybe it is necessary to hire a home health aide.

There are no easy answers and everyone's journey is different. Just do the best you can and forgive yourself that you cannot fix it and make it go away.

Good luck - you're not alone on this unwelcome road.

Peace - Barbara

SnowyLynne63 · 05-03-2004, 05:51 PM

Are you in a state that makes It mandatory for the Dr.to report his dx of Alzheimer's?
BUT If he has not been dx,NOW is the time for a trip to a Neurologist......

LuvMyLilDoggie · 05-03-2004, 10:26 PM

Thank you both for replying to my post. Today was a hectic day. I had to go to the doctor. I have hypothyroidism, high cholesterol and triglycerides, mild osteoarthritis and have just today been told today that I have a UTI and either chronic bronchitis or asthma. Most likely asthma. I have learned to take care of myself first above all else. I can't be any good to anyone if I do otherwise.
Dad was in a really good mood so that made things a lot easier.
BarbaraH, my m***** name begins with an H. My dad is now on Donepezil 5mg. The doctor was going to give him antidepressants but I held out until his thyroid panel comes back to rule out thyroid problems. Dad's brother and I both have thyroid problems so it's very possible that he does too.
As of right now, I do hold medical POA for him. Dad and I are going to an alzheimers seminar on the 11th. They'll have people there to address the many questions that are floating around in my head but can't seem to find them right now because I'm so sleepy.
I'm very fortunate that I have a sister in Alabama with whom my dad spent 5 months before we moved in with him. We've both agreed that if it gets to be too much for one, the other will step in and take over and vice versa until he's not able to make the commute. He loves to travel so I doubt we'll have a problem there. At least I hope not.
Dad also has a much younger brother that lives about 10 miles from us. He's offered to help. I think I may ask him if I could drop my dad off at his house for a few hours every once in a while so I can have some ME time. Maybe do some shopping or just spend some time alone with my dear husband.
I hope you don't mind but I may need to vent here every so often. I thought I would enjoy staying home with my dad (I do for the most part) but sometimes it does get to me.
Thanks again!
Barb

BarbaraH · 05-04-2004, 03:04 PM

Hi Barb,

It's good you have family members nearby who can help with your father's care. Two things do come to mind after reading your recent post.
1) Your medical POA will be of no help in stepping in to take over his businesses decisions, investments and to pay his bills from his account. Find out what your state requires. Where I live, it's a Durable POA that enables you to do anything you dad might need taken care of. My mother had the legal forms to give me Durable POA done 13 years before I needed to use them. It made my job much simpler. The lawyer who draws up the form for your father to sign must be convinced that your father understands what he's doing. If you wait, you father may not be able to understand. Haste is important.
2) You said your father likes to travel. At some point, he'll probably forget he likes to travel. As Alzheimers advances, the patients are often most comfortable in the same familiar surroundings. My mother has forgotten her own furniture (2 years ago), has forgotten my name and that she has a daughter (a few months ago, I said to her, "Guess what, Mom - I'm your daughter!" her reply was, "really?"), and has even forgotten how to walk (last year). I was convinced that she could never forget me, and she does smile when she sees me, but ever so fleetingly and there is no understanding in her eyes. If she turns her head, she forgets I'm there.

If your father has Alzheimer's, the person you know as your father will gradually slip away. Sad, but too true. Try to prepare yourself for that. I've done most of my grieving in the last 2 years because my mother has already gone away and the little shell that is still here needs a lot of care 24/7 and her world has shrunk to 2 rooms at a extended care facility. She's well cared for and I visit often (we moved here to be close), but I myself cannot give her the care she needs.

Do make sure you have all the legal paperwork done so you can do all you'll need to do. Even the bank will want a copy of you registered POA before your rights to act on your father's behalf are recognized.

I wish you well - Barbara