Getting mom to socialize - Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

betsntom · 05-16-2004, 01:11 PM

My 83 year old mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's several years ago. She has been in an assisted living facility for a little over a year. My highest hope when she moved in there was that she would develop a friendship with someone, which she has not done. She has always been fairly shy, so it is difficult to get her to participate in the activities or to talk to any of the other residents on her own. Therefore, she spends most of her time either sleeping or calling me, begging me to come take her out of there. I feel like the entire responsiblity for her happiness is on my shoulders and it is very difficult. She is already on an anti-depressant "Lexapro" but that doesn't seem to be helping this particular problem. Does anyone have any suggestions or know of any medications that might cut down on this anxiety about being around other people?

Gatormom · 05-16-2004, 01:54 PM

Hi Bets - I feel like I can sympathize with you on several levels! My dad died of alzheimers, and now my mother who is 86 is in an ALF and like your mother, doesn't really socialize. She is mentally sharp but can't live at home due to falls, failing eyesight, problems trying to fix meals or bathe, etc.
We moved her into the ALF in October and she was willing to give it a try, but we've been disappointed with how she's done. They do watch over her diet, test her blood sugar, and keep her safe, but she really isn't happy. I find myself dreading calling or visiting because she is going to beg to be taken out of there! There is no other place to take her... we tried having people paid to stay with her, and they were never good enough (but they sure cost enough!!) Then she spent a winter with my sister and that was pretty much a disaster for everyone. The ALF she is in is terrific, just 6 elderly ladies and a wonderful couple who takes care of them. But she ridicules all her neighbors except one and won't spend time in the living room with any of them. She is always either sleeping or sitting at her window hoping for a visitor. It's heart breaking... Before she complained bitterly about being lonesome, and now she won't even visit with these other ladies.
Anyway, I do know how tough it is to see your parent like this! She does take an antidepressant (paxil) and it does seem to make her a little more content. It's such a dilemma because she cannot live at home and won't make much effort to fit in where she is. Very hard to try to help.

betsntom · 05-16-2004, 02:39 PM

Gatormom, thanks for responding. I think, in an IDEAL world, the ALF would make more of an effort to buddy people up. It seems like it would even be good for them to do that and would be so easy. Most of the activities they have at this particular ALF are things that do not involve any conversation--music events, playing bingo, watching movies. It seems like it would make so much more sense to have activities that would allow the residents to talk to each other and possibly develop friendships or for one of the people that works there to just sit two lonely residents next to each other on a sofa to see if they will talk. I just spoke to my mother so now I have to walk around feeling guilty for the rest of the day because I won't go over there and appease her loneliness.

Gatormom · 05-16-2004, 11:53 PM

No no no - - don't feel guilty!! I know exactly what you mean. But when there's really NOTHING that pleases them at this stage, we have to know in our hearts that we are doing what we can, and that's all anyone can do! I've worked hard learning to shake off those guilt feelings; I hang up the phone, take a deep breath, and move on with my day. She is going to feel miserable five minutes after a visit anyway, and I live far away, I can't be there very often. My sister lives close to her and go less and less often, due to the same feelings of guilt. (When I get old, how do I remember not to torture my kids like that???)
We do what we can... that's all anyone can do! Keep in touch,
Gatormom

betsntom · 05-17-2004, 05:04 AM

Gatormom, do I assume you are in Florida, since you are the mom of a (FL) Gator? I live in Florida, too. And yes, I am much better at handling the guilt, but still not perfect at it yet. I was thinking yesterday that I don't think my mother has ever had ONE SINGLE DAY in her life that she didn't have something to complain about. I guess for most of her life, though, she had other people to "dump" on. Now it is just me. You hang in there, too.

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Take care.