The Truth is ...... Where? - Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

angel_bear · 02-27-2005, 03:52 AM

Guess what friends??

L has FINALLY ....... after last weeks debacle with geriatricians, ACAT and social worker specialits ......... decided ........

SHE'S GOING TO COLLEGE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now .... last THURSDAY ........ ( very long 3 days ago) gave EVERYBODY the impression .. she was NOT GOING to do the COURSE ......and she would instead help me.

I come home tonight, to be informed I have to play chauffeur tomorrow for MIL because L is GOING TO COLLEGE.

3 weeks late, but SHE'S GOING TO COLLEGE.

So MY study time is unimportant ...... Ok..it's by correspondence, but hey ... at least it's SOMETHING ... but nope .. sorry everybody .. gotta give that up for now.. because I have to drop everything for EVERYBODY now. Ok ... Ok ... that's how you want it? FINE ........

Ok .. fine .. I will. Not a problem. You want me to do it all? I will. I will do it all, I will make the decisions, I will play the chauffeur and THE MINUTE SHE HITS ME I will take her up to the hospital and say "I can't do this anymore".

Enough is enough is enough. I CANNOT handle this indecision. I CANNOT handle stupid games. I WILL NOT DO IT for MIL anymore. No way, no how. I will supervise her as much as possible, but after that, bad luck. I am being PAID to care for FIL .....

Am I being unfair? Am I being bitchy?

Martha H · 02-27-2005, 04:09 AM

No NO NO! NOt unfair, not bitchy! You are being human. You are naturally disgusted that they pulled another switcheroo on you.

If I understand your situation you are caring for both in laws only until a place is found in a home for both of them. Any idea how long that might be? Do you have some kind of priority because of the terrible conditions you are coping with?

It is Ok for SIL to want to improve her education and get a good job .. but it is equally OK for you to want the same thing. You have to get more help. If SIL cannot do it,your brother in law himself has to step in (between flights) and take over the care for 2 or 3 full days. Paid helpers have to step in, cost carried by the whole family.

You are not overreacting. SIL sounds a bit wishy washy, she seems to be willing to promise anyting, but then goes back on her word, That is not a good foundation for any long term relationship (I would worry if I were her fiance) ...

Did you get their names on waiting lists? Don't put it off. Emphasize the horrific situation you are in. Ask to be put high on the list because of great need. People in nursing homes pass away, vacancies come up. Hang on ..but demand more help, and yes, do that: if she hits you OR YOUR KIDS, take her to a psychiatric hospital. They will at least have to keep her for observation, and might even admit her. Good luck!

Prayers contnue, even when they don't bring immediate results.

Love,

Martha

BarbaraH · 02-27-2005, 07:19 AM

Hi Sally,

I SECOND WHAT MARTHA SAID!!!!

If you cannot put FIL and MIL's names on waiting lists because you're an in-law and have no legal standing, drag Alan or BIL or both with you this week to get it done. No excuses accepted. Hope the aging team does this with phone calls to every place to save the family the trouble.

L. needs to get her head on straight and decide one thing and stick with it. I suspect BIL insisted she not stop her education and she wishes to go to school and be of help, but cannot do both. It stinks that she was wishy-washy. All you asked for 2 weeks ago was a definite decision. What was so difficult about that?

Just think where you could send MIL and a few other people if you had Samantha Steven's skills???!!!

Hope you had a marvelous time at your mum's house. Hang in there.

(((hugs))) and blessings - Barbara

LuvMyLilDoggie · 02-27-2005, 11:46 AM

Sally, you are human. You have the RIGHT to be angry and frustrated. You are doing everything for your in-laws and all you're expecting from the rest of the family is for them to make decisions so that you can work your schedule around their decisions. It sounds to me like BIL talked L into going back to college. What does Allen have to say about all of this?

Btw, you're NOT being unfair! It's not unfair to want or expect a life. YOU DESERVE IT!
I think you are a very loving, caring person. I also think you're being taken advantage of. People who are willing to go out of their way to help other family members often are taken advantage of.

Sally, you are a very special person. But you're human just like the rest of us. You can only handle so much. Take some time to rethink your priorities. Put yourself at the top of the list. This is not selfish. In fact, it's the most selfless thing you can do. It's impossible to continue to take care of others when we don't take care of ourselves.

I was really happy to hear you went to visit your mom. Did you have a good time window shopping with mom?

Barb