My dad is in the middle stage of dementia and my mom is taking care of him by herself. My dad and mom live in NM I am in Idaho so lots of miles between us. My mom is getting tired and sick her self. My husbands kids are musicans and have lots of friends over all day and night, and they can play loud sometimes. My husband and his son(16) are not crazy about him coming here, and my mom and brother exspect me to do it, I am so stressed and scared and I am also suffering with anxiety and depression and some health problems, I dont know what to do. I have suggested to my mom that I come to NM for a couple of weeks to help out while she gets better and can find a place to move to where there is more care for him and support for her, but she does not want me there and wants him out of her sight now. I told her she should move to Idaho but she doesnt want to live here.
My mother and I do not have a good relationship, but I do love my dad very much and I want to help him. I am scared and I don't what to do...
Bless your heart! It's awful that your father is slipping away due to dementia and bad that your mother and brother are putting you in the middle - as if your health was perfect and your family isn't keeping you busy enough.
You didn't say what your father's age is. Can he live in an assisted living facility or nursing home either in NM or in Idaho?? That takes a lot of money, but was the best solution I could find for my mother when she became unable to live alone due to Alzheimer's and I was several states away. That way he, like my mother, would be well cared for, well fed, and safe, but not in your home with all of the upset and many problems that would create.
Many nursing homes and Alzheimer's facilities have what's known as "respite care" and they house the patient for a week or two so the caregiver can rest or travel or whatever. There is a cost to this care, of course, but it might be the solution to give your mother a needed break. Your father would stay in NM for that type care, then return home at the end of the time.
As I've written here several times, 3 of mother's long-time friends called me to tell me not to bring mother into my home (I also have a chronic health problem). They said the fatigue and strain of dealing with the increasing and unceasing needs of an Alzheimer's patient would ruin my health, my marriage, and harm my kids. Each of those women had cared for their mothers who had Alzheimers. I took their wise words to heart and forgave myself for not being able to cure mother or care for her. You take their words to heart, too. Your father would not want you to ruin your health or life for him - especially when he is at the end of his life.
You can tell your mother and brother NO, it is not possible. No guilt either. You are not SuperWoman! If your own family is not "for" it, that's reason enough to say no. It's their house, too. No guilt.
There are several issues that have to be addressed if your father is coming to your area. Legally, you'll have to have his Durable Power of Attorney so you can make any needed medical decisions for him or pay his bills from his account. An elder care lawyer can give you more complete information. Do not get talked into caring for your father without this legal and all important document. You have no legal standing without it.
You're not alone on this most unwelcome path.
Wishing you well - Barbara
Last edited by BarbaraH; 02-27-2005 at 05:05 PM.
Reason: typo
My mother has checked into a christian assisted living facility home where they live and he could stay for a short time. She told me that leaving him there for a short while(two weeks) would upset him very much thats what I am having such hard time dealing with. Everytime I think about it I cry, I guess this is the first step of grieving for someone you love very much and you know is going to be gone soon. My dad who is 66 now, was always outgoing and loved to have a good time. Dad has been kicked out of a few stores for stealing skoal, one of things we blame for his condition. He cannot live without it...thats all he lives for. He was also getting into the habit of going into houses without knocking scaring the heck out of everyone, sometimes it was someone he knew sometimes not, finally the dectives showed up at moms house and told her if she didnt control him better they were going to lock him up, that was last year.
He will go up to people he doesnt know and ask them if they believe in the devil, and depending on how they react he will tell them about god. He does alot of off the wall things but his humor was always kind of dry so we just thought nothing of it, I guess we are in denial of his sickness,and want him to wake up one day and go back to him oldself. I know I need to seek support now, because my mom is getting sick, thats why I came here to this board.
Thank you so much,
Peace Be with you always!!!
Dear Sidney J, Welcome to the club. I am saddened to hear of your father's illness at his early age (same age as me) while I am dealing with a 96 year old mom with dementia . Somehow it is easier when one knows the person's life is not going to continue much longer.
I second Barbara's opinion that taking him into your home, considering the loud music etc, would be a really really bad idea. An assisted living community or even a locked Alzheimer unit seems the only choice now. I am not clear on what it was he stole from stores ..is it an alcoholic drink or some kind of drug? Has your Dad had a complete medical check up to rule out other causes of his early dementia symptoms? If only it were something curable like a blood clot or small tumor, which could be removed. If it is Alzheimer, he absoutely must be in a safe place where he is safe and others are safe. I can understand your Mom's need to get him away from her. Don't condemn her for it. Who knows how she has been treated for all the years this illness was creeping up and everyone thought - that's just how he is. " Dry humor." Someone could have shot him to death when he entered their homes unwanted and unannounced. Not funny at all.
I know you love him, and want to do what's best for him. BUT you do not want to spoil your marriage, irritate your step children, make your own life a misery, and wind up harming many people to help one, who in the end will not be able to appreciate it at all. You may also become the scapegoat for the whole family's frustrations: if you take him in, or if you don't.
God bless you and may a solution be found, you are now on my prayer list too.
Hi Sydney. My, your dad is young to be going through this. I understand the hurt you're feeling losing someone you love so much. But Barbara is right. You have to do what's best for you. Your dad wouldn't want you to sacrifice your health for him. If you were to bring him into your home, stress would surely make your health problems worse. And if you get worse, how can you take care of anyone? As Barbara said, you're not Superwoman. None of us are.We all have our limits.
Would your mom feel comfortable hiring someone with experience to come to her home and care for your father a few times a week so she can do whatever it is she needs or wants to do without worrying about your dad? Or maybe if you went there, she would change her mind and let you care for your dad while she takes a vacation. Is your mom the type of person who doesn't ask for help? If that's the case, instead of letting her think you're coming there to help her, you might say something like "Mom, I need to get away for a few days. Would you mind if I came to visit?" I don't know your mom, of course. And I don't know what type of relationship you have with her so I don't know if that would help. Sometimes that approach helps me with my dad. I have to lead into things asking his opinion knowing full well that what I'm asking his opinion on has to be done. I inch into the subject until I've got the mile. It's always been like that-even before the alzheimer's.
Yes, what you're experiencing is the grief over losing a loved one. It's ok to grieve. But remember him as he was. I can tell you love him very much. He must have been a great dad. To have raised you to be the loving, caring person that you are is a great testament to the wonderful man your dad was and is.
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