Why? - Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

angel_bear · 03-05-2005, 11:18 PM

Ok .. I've been doing a bit of reflecting since G's visit .... gone into Student Counsellor mode on myself (LOL) and I've noted a few things from other people talking.

*Family & friends think it's SICK that I showered (past tense, take note, I'm being good) FIL.
*Family & Friends think FIL is being over-selfish in his wants and needs.
*Family & Friends can't believe that FIL expects us to do what we do constantly.
*Family & Friends can't believe that I cook 5 nights a week and supply left-overs in the hope that MIL will use them on her nights, without some form of refund (although he does, on the odd occassion, pay for an outing, and he does pay the private school fees, other than that ....hmmm)

Is it me? I dunno **shaking head** if 'everybody' else can see it, why can't FIL??

Hypoxia? Probably .. Dementia? I don't think so .. although SOMETIMES I WONDER .......**rolling eyes**

*Family and Friends say we have to move out. So how do I dump a dying man?

I'm not 'down' per se, but doing alot of inward thinking.

A friend of the family said BIL is QUITE DETERMINED that FIL MUST MUST go to the Aged Care Facility .... we'll see what happens eh?

Hugs .. hope your weekend has been good .. mines been 'not so bad' if you don't count the agonising neck/shoulder

Sally

Martha H · 03-06-2005, 02:06 AM

Dear Sally,

If that was sick, every nurse in every hospital is sick. Forget that idea.

As for moving out and dumping a dying man, you can't. First he has to go to a hospice. She has to go to a facility. Then you are free. We are too fast with our recommendations ... of course you can't just GO. But you are already on the right track ..getting them both placed in care. Then you can resume your own life.

Hope that shoulder is soon better.

Love,

Martha

LuvMyLilDoggie · 03-06-2005, 12:47 PM

How's that song go? "Oh, it always seems to go....that you don't know what you've got till it's gone." I think maybe your FIL doesn't realize how much you're doing for him and MIL because you're doing it all the time, and without complaint. He'll soon realize that you've been the one person holding it all together. Maybe he already does and just won't admit it. Or maybe he's like my dad. Dad finds fault with whatever I do when he sees that I can do it and he no longer can. I'm the strong one and he's weak. That's what he thinks. And so he takes his anger and frustration out on me. There's no excuse for treating you that way.

Sally, I do hope that all of this gets resolved so you can find some peace soon.

'Tis a beautiful day here! Sunshine and warm weather. I actually went outside without a coat today!

Spring is near!!!!

Love,

Barb

BarbaraH · 03-06-2005, 01:40 PM

Hi Sally,

Glad your weekend was not bad. Hope your shoulder is really improving.

For my 2 cents:

If FIL had allowed an aide to be hired, you wouldn't have had to bathe him. People can be so pin-headed! As Martha said, nurses and LPNs and aides do that sort of chore millions of times a day worldwide.

As for the other things that "friends and family say", I agree totally - except with the move out one. I guess that's not totally after all!

You and your family can stay as long as you want to after FIL and MIL have departed.

Say to those friends and family, help me!!!! Get the ducks in a row for me. Do the paperwork for their admission to the chosen aged care facility. Let all go together to talk with FIL and tell him what is about to happen (do not ask!)....this week!!

You are not "dumping a dying man". You are not leaving FIL in the wilds and walking away. You are turning his care over to trained medical people. He's moving to a place they can give him the 24/7 care he needs. They have employees who work 8 hour shifts so someone is always available. At your house, you're it and that isn't working. He requires toooooooo much for one person to handle.

You would have counseled your client-caregiver to get help long, long ago. As you look inward, listen to you education, and give yourself permission to accept the satisfaction of a job done well and done with care and kindness, long past reason. Listen to your knowledge that 5 people who have lots of life ahead should not hesitate to say to this man your FIL has become, enough. Then your attention can return to your family and yourself, and your course of study. You can help many future clients with the techniques, coping mechanisms, and boundaries you've learned in the last year.

As for the here and now, let yourself heal. Enjoy the coming autumn.
Dream on!

(((((hugs)))) Barbara