The First Shower ....... - Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

angel_bear · 03-06-2005, 09:04 PM

I got a phone call from FIL saying "That lady is here to shower me and she doesn't know the ropes, come home now" .

Good grief methinks, what have they sent us??? I went dashing home, to find it was HIM who wanted ME to show her how to turn on the hose (like she couldn't????) HIM who wanted ME to stand there and chat to him ... then MIL got into the act, and started yelling and shouting and upsetting everybody ... and FIL stood up and turned the damn shower off and yelled ... and the aide and I just looked at each other and I said "welcome to my nightmare" ...... she was "--" that close to walking out ... FIL yelled the shower stream was too hard, water too hot, MIL was doing her yelling bit about water leaking out ...... what a DISASTER .....

So I stood in the hallway and said quite firmly :

"This has gone to crap for no particular reason and everybody is being very silly about the whole thing" .. and went and got BIL (who was hovering too ... thankfully)

He calmed down his mother, I got what was needed, I told FIL to calm down and I told the aide nicely to not rush him because he needs to get his breathing into sync if he needs to do anything. Once she realised that, SHE calmed down and went slower. I understand her hurrying, she's got others to do, but you simply CAN'T with a lung disease patient!!

BIL then drove off promising he would be back in 20 minutes, and MIL started again ... yelling "stop, stop stop" at the aide, and yes, a little water was leaking into the hallway but NOTHING like our usual flood (LOL) and then she looked at me and she was so ANGRY, and her hand was in a fist, and that fist was coming closer to me, and I said "We're trying our best, but he HAS to have a shower" and then she thumped me in the shoulder (the sore one .. typical) and I said "DON'T HIT ME" and she said "I didn't" ......... oh GEEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZ ............ so I calmly asked her to go outside and eat her sandwich, and she said "I did, I did, I that that there, then I did!!!" and I said "Good on you" and off she went and ate her lunch on the back verandah.

BLOODY HELL ...... so FIL's shower finished (it turned into bigger than Ben Hur I tell ya!!) and I crept upstairs, and he called me down and asked me to get his phone and oxymeter from the bathroom. The aide said "Oh I could have done that" and I said "but it doesn't work that way" .... FIL asked her to wedge the front door open, and got frustrated with her when she didn't understand his instructions (as I am quietly saying to him, patience, she hasn't been here before)

He made it as DIFFICULT as he could today ...... because it wasn't ME doing it.

And we get another new person on Wednesday, and another new person on Friday............. oh what a week this will be ........

Anyway ..... I've calmed down .......... but I'm very unsure if it's WORTH this hassle .... but I know I have to stick with it. Heck, I even hung out the washing today, and raising my arm to reach the line was painful ... and he wants me to SHOWER him???

They just don't understand ....... at all........

Hugs girls .....

Sally

BarbaraH · 03-06-2005, 09:41 PM

Hi Sally -

You did very, very well - no one got murdered!!!!!!!! Ah, yes, tho some definitely were asking for it!!

FIL

unacceptable behavior.
MIL

unacceptable hitting, but...can she help it???

My humble little suggestion is that you write out a few instructions for the aides to read before they arrive. FIL's physical restrictions, the breathing in sync thing, where things are kept and such. Also a brief alert about MIL and her problems. Make a copy to keep at the house and one to give to the office that makes the assignments for the aides so they will have no excure if the people they sent are uninformed. After you have given these helpful hints to the concerned parties, when Wednesday and Friday bath time comes, turn off your phone and be somewhere else far away. FIL will survive. Do not run to the rescue. Enlist BIL to be in the wings. He's a nurse, he can do this.

Maybe MIL could go shopping or be otherwise occupied during bath time. That would lower the chaos quotient and the decibel level!!

If the bath thing cannot work out because FIL is uncooperative, impatient, and purposefully difficult, off to the aged care home he goes - pronto. Manipulative behavior will no longer be tolerated or rewarded. The cost has been your health and that is too high a cost to pay one minute longer.

Go get the applications for the aged care home and get BIL and DH together to fill them out. Be ready.

St. Sally, you are amazing!

I think you deserve a Cherry Ripe or two!

((((hugs)))) and blessings - Barbara

angel_bear · 03-07-2005, 12:22 AM

Ooooooooo ........ Cherry Ripes .......... Mmmmmmmmmmmmm ..... (insert sound of Homer Simpson with donuts hahahaha)

I can't believe what went on today .. I really can't ... I sat back from the situation and thought "good heavens .... "

My Social Worker G is coming over tomorrow morning around 11am .... just for a chat with me ... I'll let him know again what happened today, how I TRY to step back but I'm not allowed!!

Actually DH came home this afternoon from College, and I was like "Welcome Home, love you ... day went to crap .. I'm going out" and took off. Nobody saw me leave (sneaky eh?) .. FIL rang ... I ignored the phone and rang DH and said "I know what he wants, he wants his shorts ... " DH went and got the shorts. FIL rang again, this time I answered, and a dressing was coming off his leg. When I said "Oh well, you'll have to wait until I get home" he was like "OH!!! You went out?? OH!!!"

MIL is in a foul mood .. came up to me, really IN MY FACE and said "I'm going OUT OUT OUT I am I am" and I just turned away and said "I really don't care Doris" ... and walked away ....

Rude of me probably .. but after today's exhausting behaviour .... I'm just not up to be sociable and friendly with her.

St Sally? I don't think so .. too many murderous thoughts going through my head at the moment .. LOL

Hugs
Sally
(PS: doing list of wants and needs now .. GOOD idea !! Thanks!!)

Martha H · 03-07-2005, 01:09 AM

Dear Sally, You have to be OUT, or otherwise unavailable, when the shower-person comes. Make a list and disappear. Even if only in your room with the phone off.

They will learn to leave you alone if you don't respond, if you keep getting drawn into the fracas you will never be left alone. Good idea to have someone - NOT YOU -otherwise occupy/distract MIL during the showermania.

GOOD that you went out. All these hassles keep on making it clearer to everyone that you are in dire need of help, your inlaws in desperate need of custodial care.

Hang in there. I too think of you as a saint. Don't think they too didn't have murderous thoughts. My first reaction to MIL punching you in the sore shoulder was, boy, I would have shoved her away from me, maybe even hit her back (instinct, not because I believe in violence, I don't.)

Love,
Martha

angel_bear · 03-07-2005, 02:50 AM

oh trust me .. TONIGHT I almost decked her ...........

MIL has NOT been having a 'good' day. It started this morning, she didn't believe there was any orange juice in the fridge. Kept insisting it wasn't there. My son came down for FIL and found it ... and since she was proven 'wrong', she got 'iffy' for the rest of the day.

Then the shower incident ........... and then ... tonight.......... ai yi yi !!!!

Our other daughter went to Queensland for the weekend with her schoolfriend and her grandparents (friend lives with Grandparents, her Mother is decease and her father doesn't care for his daughter) ... daughter asked MIL if she could borrow the 'black suitcase' which MIL had in her bedroom. MIL said "yes". Daughter borrowed said suitcase, and packed it with what was needed for her trip and left from school on Friday. During Friday, MIL came to me, and ... after a little bit, I figured she realised the suitcase had gone. I explained she had told daughter she could use it. MIL was a bit fuzzy. Saturday passes, Sunday passes, daughter comes home Sunday night. First thing this morning, MIL is upstairs, very insistant about *something* .. I thought "suitcase" .. so I said "we're not unpacked yet, it's ok . you WILL get your suitcase back, I promise" ......

Fast forward, past shower, past some 'iffy' moments this afternoon, to dinner time. I send son down with some food to put on to keep warm, everything is fine. I send said daughter down with the 'pot' of meatballs and Thai sauce, and she came back to me (daughter) saying "Nanna say's it's her pot" .. I said "No it's not ... we know it's mine, don't worry about it" ........... and then eventually head downstairs to put dinner all together.

Well, as I put my foot on the downstairs floor, I heard her bedroom door SLAM. Ooo .. methinks .. and walks into the kitchen. FIL is at the dining table, awaiting dinner, and I asked if MIL had a problem. He said "I think so" .. so I got dinner together, went to her door, knocked and as I entered she shouted at me "GO AWAY, YOU YOU , HER THAT THAT, GO AWAY" .... so I said "yup .. OK .." and left. We got the idea she didn't want to eat dinner with us!!!! So we're sitting there eating, and she comes charging through yelling at daughter, saying "you always always always, mine mine, bling bling thring thrang, (you get the idea...)" .. .she's VERY insistant daughter has done something in her room ... MIL is quite frantic, crying, throwing herself across the bed, RANTING AND RAVING ....... then DH says "is it the suitcase your going on about Mum?" and she said "yes, yes, thrang, thring, that that, her her always always" .. and she stomped off .. leaving us somewhat jaw-dropped gobsmacked!! I said "Ok .. I'm going upstairs, I'll dump daughters stuff on the bed and give her the suitcase back" .. and I went upstairs to find MIL in the kids room, daughters stuff strewn about, and SHE'S GOT THE SUITCASE !!!! I said "Can I check to see everything is out?" and promptly got hit in the jaw again !!! I lost it !!!! I said "IF YOU KEEP HITTING ME I WILL PUT YOU IN HOSPITAL" and she bloody well hit me again !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I left, went downstairs and burst out crying. DH said "ENOUGH" and took off and screamed at his mother how he is sick of her hitting and abusing me ...... then he went upstairs to calm down.

The rest of us finished dinner ... upset and crying kids, but we finished (sorta) and washed up .. and I stayed and calmed FIL down ..

BREAKTHROUGH MOMENT

He's asked me to check into Nursing homes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!

<b>MAINLY</b> for her ............... but also for him ........ perhaps, maybe ..... he IS under the delusion that he will be locked away in a room and forgotten.... that he will be lonely and avoided .......... AHHHHHHHHHHHH ...........the news we have for him is only good !!!!!!!

so I've rung BIL to update him on tonight ...... he's having dinner and will ring me back shortly ('ish) .... so I thought I would duck on here and let you know the LATEST LATEST MOMENT ..... *(it's 8.49pm .. this all started happening 1 1/2 hours ago !!!!!!!!!!!!)

I've done my 'shower' list, my Mum thinks it's a great idea (I read it out to her) and it's a step by step by step by step by step idiot proof guide to showering FIL ... LOL

Soo................. hope on the horizon? I can only wonder ........ but FIL wants me to check out this 'drug' for MIL to calm her down as well..... plus perhaps even ANOTHER Geriatrician's opinion ....... so .......... so ........ the long way around, but around it might be !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hugs to all again ... (it's been a busy night eh?)
Sally