FIL is still at home (miracle of miracles) although he SHOULDN'T BE .. and of course, MIL isn't taking her medication properly (surprise surprise). The Webster pack can't be brought in until we've got ALL her medications out of the house (fair enough .. stops her self medicating) .. so BIL is going to do that on Monday. The doctor has halved her dosages on her usual med's, because the theory is if she stays on the correct dosage, she should settle down (blood pressure wise) ......
theory ........
Anyway, of course, since FIL has been home the LONGEST since the beginning of December (!!) MIL is getting huffy that I'm helping. Now don't get me wrong, I've backed off ALOT, but he still calls and I still go, and he still needs stuff 'done' that she can or can't/won't do, so it falls to me.
Our doctor saw me today (more x-rays on this dang neck of mine today) and MADE me sit down and prioritise .. so I did:
• The 3 children are bickering constantly. Most people think this is normal, and it probably is, but NOT to this extent. Cameron NEEDS his own room. Tamea NEEDS her own room and soon or at least be away from Cameron. These two are too old to be sharing a room.
Option: Sending Cameron downstairs to sleep in the small room. Spreads the kids a bit more, but what happens when Doris get’s it into her head that it’s her room (which she does, she’s using BOTH bedrooms now, at any given moment/time)
• The girls are frightened of grandmother – she is unpredictable, and violent in her frustration. The girls have asked if we could have a ‘real’ home like ‘normal’ people.
Option: I can’t see one. Everybody is under the strain of walking ‘around’ Doris, and the issue is that we’re doing stuff for John.
• The Kids are demanding more parent time and involvement. We used to do stuff with them every weekend and have other activities. Now we are restricted because of dinner and illness. Kids bedtime is same as John’s bedtime, and if asked John would probably wait, but the kids are unpredictable.
Option: I can’t see one. We’re dropping everything for John and Doris. The kids no longer feel they have any priorities in our lives because we constantly put them on hold.
• We can’t make any kind of holiday plans.
Option: We make them and everybody else figures out how to get around it. At least John AND Doris go into Respite Care.
• John’s demands: Sometimes reasonable, sometimes unreasonable.
Reasonable is:
Medication – daily/weekly
Bandaging legs
Retrieving clothes
The odd cup of tea / food
Dinner 4 x week
Gentle back massage
Empty urine bottles as required
Unreasonable is:
Checking to see if the bed is flat.
Waking us up to get his spare oxygen hose (it was at hands reach)
Standing there while he breaths yet when leaving, getting called back to fill a request (water, butter menthol, phone, etc etc)
Waiting for us to get upstairs and then calling us again.
24/7 on call. Even duty nurses get time off.
Dinner 5+ times a week.
Not assisting in food costs. Our limited income has gone from paying for food for 5 to food for 7. We are still paying our own way with the telephone and electricity.
Expecting 3 kids to live in one bedroom and being OK with it.
Not encouraging Community health in to shower and expecting/demanding me cause I ‘do it right’. So do they, they’re trained.
Option: I can’t see any
RECOMMENDATION BY DOCTOR’S
John and Doris are properly assessed by ACAT as High Dependency. Names put down at Moran Aged Care Facility in Sherwood Road. That they gracefully accept the assistance of outsiders and stop putting unreasonable demands on the family. If need be, a family agreement be put in place, and a roster system be activated on visitations, expeditions, holidays etc etc. That way, no ONE thing is being placed on any ONE person.
That John and Doris realize that there is a time and place for home care and a need for assisted care. That nothing more can be done for them at home, and that their best option for a productive life would be in controlled circumstances.
That being in a High Care Facility does NOT mean you are ‘dumped’ or ‘abandoned’ but that it is the most logical medical choice for both people. That 24/7 nursing is available for both without any impact on other family members (eg: the grandchildren).
These facilities ENCOURAGE family involvement, and ENCOURAGE you to go out and about as long as you feel able. That under the controlled conditions, both John and Doris would flourish in their health and mental well-being.
Controlled conditions meaning: Air conditioning. Good flat walking surface areas. Lock-down gardens so no wandering/escaping, 24/7 nursing care. Personal Care assistance in an OH & S appropriate bathroom.
So ..I've sent this to the two BIL's for their opinion/comments ... and I've asked BIL if he could find some time for the 4 of us to sit down WITH FIL and work out a tactic that suits everybody.
GOOD that you sent the list to both brothers in law, and there is no way they can 'disagree' with anything on it, they know and have known for months (in spite of denial) that this is the only solution.
When you wrote "impact on other family members e.g.the grandchildren" you left out SALLY! I clearly see the plight your children are in, all they want is a normal life like other kids, but what about YOU? Your life has become a never ending running to do the bidding of a sick and pretty selfish old man and a demented old woman. It sounds harsh but is true.
Your husband and his brohters have to move every mountain in sight to get their parents into that or another facility, it is absolutely essential NOW, SOON!
I wouldn't let your son sleep downstairs in a room previously used my MIL .Too dangerous. To far away from you. Who knows what she will do if she thinks he is an intruder in 'her' space?
Have a talk with your children and tell them you understand how they feel, but all of you are 'stuck' in this position 'for just a little longer'. Let them know you care deeply about their feelings, love and appreciate them and the sacrifice they have made, and are doing everything in your power to fix the situation as soon as possible. It is good to know there is an end in sight, your children will be able to face the crowding and the madness for a little longer if they know Dad and Uncles are working hard on getting the grandparents into a better and safer place .
Kids have a lot more understanding than we give them credit for. Besides, they have you as a mother. You are giving them a life long lesson in loving and giving beyond the call of duty.
Sometime soon you will all laugh about the incredible situations in this home: remember the time she put liverwurst on the ice cream, etc. Laugh and cry, probably.
This is a wonderful lesson for all the rest of us readers here ... if at all possible, get the AD patient into custodial care and do NOT move him/her into your family home or go with kids into their home ... too disruptive to everyone's life!
Yep, like Martha said so well. The time for being wishy-washy and tiptoeing around poor FIL's feelings is at an end. Send him off to hospital. Move MIL out pronto to respite care (she can officially move into the Moran facility later). Have them evaluated by the care team at those locations and not wait until they are back home. Time has already gone by during which they should have been evaluated and again you and your family have paid the price for that delay.
The 3 brothers and FIL must understand that this reorganization is doctor's orders every bit as much as prescription for blood pressure pills is. It is the course that will benefit all - except an terminal man's wishes, and he will even benefit physically.
These delays are detrimental to all in the house and those outside the house have no right to help delay the evaluations and moves. For the good of the kids, haste is needed. They have endured enough and have seen you endure more than enough.
Has this week's start brought any appointments w/the aged care team or some start to the relief of the situation? I do hope so!
How are you, Alan, and the kids faring? I do think of you all so often and wish you well.
We've at last been to a lawyer about our house remodel and it was prompted by the contractor's constant procrastination for over a year. We finally said ENOUGH. We'll see if it helps.
Ok ladies, this will be a quick one as my pc is acting up again. The fan is running like CRAZY! Stupid thing just got fixed yesterday....ARGHHHH!!!
Sally, these wonderfully wise women (not me-I'm still learning) are right on the mark as usual.
As you know, I completely understand about being in their house. My dh, my ds and I moved into my dad's house almost a year ago. It's not easy by any means. My son went from having two bedrooms (one for toys and one for sleep) to having to sleep in a room that's not much bigger than a walk-in closet.
Martha said it so well. We've got to keep telling our kids we love them and appreciate the sacrifices they've made. It's a very tough situation for them too and sometimes I need to be reminded of that.
And where was SALLY on the priority list? hmmMMMM??? Don't forget about YOU! We won't forget about you so you can't either! Right girls? LOL!!!
Think of yourself first and then you husband and children. You're better for them when you take care of yourself first. And I know it sounds cruel to say but your in-laws don't have much time left. Your children have a lifetime. But they'll only be your babies for a very short time. Do whatever you need to do to be able to make the most of the time you have with them.
God bless you, Sally. I pray for you.
Love, Barb
LOL!!!
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