I am a chicken - Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

angel_bear · 03-30-2005, 02:33 AM

This afternoon, I took FIL some more medications he requires in hospital. He said he overheard one of the nurses saying "oh yes, this one .. his daughter in law isn't coping at all well"

He challenged me. I chickened out. I said the Kids aren't coping at all well. He said "we'll get Cam downstairs and that'll fix it" but I said "we can try, but I don't think so .. they've had enough"

He changed the conversation.

Ok .. I AM BEATING MYSELF UP ....... I can't HURT the old man .. I can't !!!!!!!!!!! I can't say HONESTLY TO HIS FACE, Enough ..... ..........

**insert sound of whipping here**

I am THE BIGGEST CHICKEN .. THE BIGGEST BIGGEST CHICKEN ..........

I am SO cranky with myself ......... I COULD have faced him .. I really really could have .. it was the OPPORTUNITY we've been screaming for ... and he looked at me with those big blue eyes that look like my hubby's and kids, and .................... I froze.

Dammit .. dammit .. dammit...........!!!!!!!!!

BIL didn't call ACAT today .. he 'forgot' .. so he's promised to call them tomorrow. I've even given him the words to tell them for them to say to FIL .....

"You are not well enough to stay at home anymore .. you have to look at other accommodation"

He will say "You trying to kick me outta my home"

Their answer "no, we're trying to keep you alive"

It's the chickens' way out .. I know .. I admit it ...........

I CAN'T HELP MYSELF !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so mad with myself.................

Sally

Martha H · 03-30-2005, 02:57 AM

Sally, it's all right to do it by roundabout means. It is really OK. You are not a chicken. You are doing your best. You just happen to love your in-laws, unlike most people .. and you are suffering for it (no good deed goes unpunished...)

Hang on, if YOU can't use those words, BIL will, or hubby will .. eventually he will be told. He will also accept the inevitable. Just a little bit longer.

Just think: by the middle of June, once I get my new computer, I will be sending in messages about being the 'far off daughter' calling once in awhile (I promise to call Mom twice a week or more, NOT once in 3 weeks!) and finding out through email (Bill and I are avid writers) how she is doing ... since whatever she tells me may or may not have any hint of reality in it. YOU, Sally, by mid June, may also be free of the constant care you are now bending - but not breaking - under.

JUNE ..just a couple of months off ...

Prayers, ((((a big hug))))) and best wishes. Don't do what I do - beat up on yourself!

Love,

Martha

mystic heart · 03-30-2005, 06:43 AM

don't beat yourself up for being compassionate! isn't this the hardest conversation we could ever have with ANYONE????? plus, you were caught off guard. quite honestly, i believe it's the responsibility of the child, not the child's spouse. why aren't your hubby and BIL stepping up to the plate?

SiestaDrew · 03-30-2005, 08:21 AM

Sally, I am thee worst--I cry when people win money on a game show, so do not ever ever feel bad about being a caring and feeling person. However--

There does come a time, I think, when you need to either have your hubby or other relatives step up to the plate.

I love my brother but my sister cared for our grandmother for 10 years, finally she decided she could not do it anymore, and put her in a nursing home, my brother had a fit---but to be honest in 7 years that g-ma was in there he visited like 2 times. Yes he lived out of state, but hello, airline tickets are pretty cheap.

So sometimes I think that intentions are good on the part of "out of mind relatives" but in the end you have to do what is right for you.

Mayo Clinic told me that caregivers, can have 5 years shaved off their lives just by what they do---the stress the constant demands. Do not do that to yourself.

Be strong and most important be good to yourself

LuvMyLilDoggie · 03-30-2005, 08:59 AM

Ok MISSY!

First off, you are NOT chicken! It's not like you had time to think about what you were going to say before you said it. And you love your FIL and don't want to hurt him. That makes you a compassionate human being, NOT A CHICKEN!

Second, FIL knows the truth now. He knows those nurses wouldn't have said that if they didn't hear it. Deep down, he knows. He just needs to hear how you feel from you-when you're ready to tell him. I'm a firm believer that things will happen when they're meant to happen. And the time for it to happen wasn't at the spur of that moment. As a friend of mine says-In God's time, not ours.

But sometimes don't you just wish God would put on his running shoes?

Love, Barb