Making family understand? - Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

TexasCookie · 04-03-2005, 04:21 PM

How does one go about making siblings understnad that there really IS something wrong with mom???

My mom was diagnosed with AD about 6 months ago. I live with my mom and take TRY to take care of her. I do all the housework, (she does dishes but I usually have to redo them), take care of the laundry and work two part time jobs from my home office. I ALSO pay her rent AND buy all the groceries.

I have one brother in IL who thinks there is nothing worng and I should be kicked out of the house. I have a sister 20 miles away who hardly ever comes around unless she wants something. AND I have a brother who lives a few blocks away who says its just old age and he hardly ever comes around.

Mom is on Aricept but I really don't think its doing any good. She's also on Prozac and Xanax which I don't think are doing any good, but getting this woman to go to the doctor is like pulling teeth. I have to end up screaming and cussing to get to her to go.

I recently started on Zoloft just to help me cope with all this and I'm at the end of my rope. She's too healthy to put in a home and too sick to stay alone and I'm just kind of stuck

My daughter who lives 300 miles away wants to get a bigger house and have me move in with her because she's worried I'm ruining my own health but I don't know what to do about my mom if I did that.

Not sure I'm looking for an answer or if I just needed to b*tch a bit.

Martha H · 04-03-2005, 05:17 PM

Dear Texas

I could have written this letter just a few months ago. In fact my sister still denies much is wrong with Mom.

Luckily my brother soon realized it was not just old age.

There is a list of the 7 stages of Alzheimers on this Board. Maybe you could copy it and highlight all the symptoms your Mom shows, and send it to each of your siblings. That might help.

It seems a common phenomenon that the caretaker is misunderstood, yes, even accused of exaggerating. I guess it's because the truth is almost too horrible to comtemplate. But YOU know your Mom best since you live with her.

Get your family to see the truth by repeating it, again and again, inviting THEM to come and care for her for awhile, etc. You need some relief. This Board is a good place to vent, and you will also get a few concrete ideas. Not wanting a doctor is also typical of this disease, as is personal decline in hygiene, (I have rewashed Mom's dishes for years now!) and the belief that you are really OK, other people around you forget things, make bizarre mistakes, and wrongly criticize you. As the chief care giver you will also be the brunt of family fears, disguised as blame.

I wish you luck. Sorry you have to go through this. How old is your Mom? Mine is 96 and when this began about a year ago I thought 'she wil not live long enough for it to become REALLY bad, I can handle it." Well, I can't. I needed and am getting relief (in 10 weeks she will go to live with my brother, although my preference would be a good nursing home regardless of cost.)

Love and prayers,( come back here, you will find moral support and more)

Martha

TexasCookie · 04-04-2005, 03:26 PM

Thanks for your response I appreciate it. There are times I just want to run away form home and not come back LOL.

Do bowel problems go hand in hand with AD? My mom has had diahrrea for a few months on and off and most of the time doens't make it to the bathroom in time. And again I can't get her to the doctor.

Mary Lou

angel_bear · 04-04-2005, 03:44 PM

Hi Texas, and sorry for my delay in replying to you .. it's rapidly becoming 'one of those weeks' around here .........

Texas, I don't think family will ever TRULY understand unless they actually step in and do something and live with it. You can tell them, until you turn blue, but they will proverbially put the blinkers on ... and even when confronted with the bizarre behaviour, those blinkers will get thicker and bizarre behaviour will be justified.

You might get the odd person with the right kind of empathy and support, but, unfortunately, in my humble opinion, unless they live with it, they will judge it and SOMEBODY has to be the scapegoat, and that will inevitably end up being you .. the carer.

It's a hard, lonely road we carers tread ... I am seriously considering asking the doctor to put me on antidepressants at the moment, but just holding back .. I am getting sick looking after two high dependancy people, and I know what needs to be done, but I just can't SAY it. Their son (my BIL) justifies his mother's behaviour every single time, even though she attacked his girlfriend one day ... he retreats into his safe zone of believing his mother isn't as bad as everybody else makes her out to be. It makes me wonder if I am looking into things harder than they are .. but then again, when my kids say they are scared, it can't be ME can it??

Texas, welcome to our little island of sanity .....we'll all go nuts caring together .. LOL

Hugs
Sally

glamourgal · 04-04-2005, 03:45 PM

Hey Texas,

My grandma, whom I help take care of (not full-time though--mostly on weekends and some through the week if needed), was taking Aricept for alzheimers. She also started having diarrhea. That is one of the side effects of this drug. We took her to the doctor and they switched her to Reminol. She has now stopped having diarrhea. Although I am not sure if the Reminol is really helping or not--but it is doing about the same as Aricept without the side effects.

I sure hope things get better for you and that you get more help from your family. My GM was doing a lot better after she recently had a pace maker put in (more oxygen to the brain now---her heart had been stopping for short periods of time), but now she is in the process of going back downhill. It is so sad to see and to deal with.

Anyway, take care of yourself and let us know how everything goes.