The three of us (husband, son and myself) have been living with dad for a year. We've been paying for everything-food, gas, electric, telephone, water and other neccesities. Dad hasn't had to pay for anything. All dad pays is the taxes on his house. We've spent money doing some landscaping and minor repairs to the house such as a new kitchen faucett. I'm still using dad's money to pay off debts he incurred at the hands of my sister ($26K worth of bills). Dad has enough money where he can pay for groceries say one week out of the month. I think that's pretty fair since we pay for everything else. The thing is dad doesn't offer and I'm afraid to ask. We're very broke right now. If we had the money, it would be a different story. My sister keeps calling and asking for money. I sent her $200 last week and paid $400 last month on a credit card that dad opened for her son and he's not paying. He hasn't been to her house in a year and she still wants money. So why is it if I have to ask for $20 to help me get through the week I feel like I'm stealing it from him or something? It costs me more living here than it did when we lived in our appt before moving here. Sometimes he dad complains when loaning me money and sometimes he gives it to me without a word. He just gave my son $60 to spend at the WWE wrestling thing he's going to tonight but my son promised to clean grandpa's car all summer for that $60. Plus he cuts all the bushes and things like that and doesn't ask for anything.
Anyway, my question is: Is it right to ask him for help when we're living in his house? Please be honest with me.
YES, it is right. You are not living there in luxury, on vacation. You are his round the clock nurse, companion, food preparer, reminder to shower-er, etc. You did not move there to save money but to save DAD.
He should be paying for many of the household expenses. When you go grocery shopping, he should give you half. If you have POA or a joint checking account, you can just make out a check to yourself.
It should not be necessary to ask him each time. It is not a favor, and not borrowed. It is his fair share. Think of what he would be paying for a Home Health Aide ($19 an hour in NYC). You should at least get a minimum wage for every hour spent showering him, washing is clothes, boiling his 'verstunkene' underpants, etc.(that's a German word but pretty self explanatory.. stinky!)
If you do not have Power of Attorney, you must go to a lawyer with him and have him sign it. He must know by now that he is not always clear in the head. He knows he needs help. So lets get it going: then you also have a say in his use of his resources. He ought to stop paying off debts incurred by his far off grandson. His other daughter should not have access to his credit card. The account number can be changed to prevent her further use of it.
I moved here in 2000, April, and got a job in September .. For those 5 months my Mom paid for everything. As soon as I was working, I paid half the rent, half the utilities, half the phone bill, half the odd expenses, and all of the groceries. I was so thankful I was able to live here with her, a place of refuge for me. Now I feel I must get out, because of her dementia ..but I have paid my way and so has she. Your Dad only paid taxes? How does he think the food appears on the table, does the tooth fairy leave it? He must have bought groceries before you came in, now he must still do so. Since you are 3 and he is one, maybe he should pay 1/4 of all food, paper supplies, soap, detergent. He ought to be paying for all his own haircuts, medical care, medications, entertainment (cable TV if he watches it) 1/4 of the phone bill and utilities. You are giving yourself away over there ... Can it be he thinks he is doing you a favor by letting you live there? Someone has to enlighten him, but if his dementia is too advanced , he won't see it. Get that POA. It will lighten your load a lot. He also owes you for all the food etc for the last year ..his share of 1/4. Good luck!
Ya know Barb, I live in my mother's house with her and pay her $200 a month towrad the utilities and I usually am the one who buys all the groceries and now I'm also taking care of her since her diagnoses of AD. It doesn't bother my sister one bit to call and ask her for money for this and that and my younger brother does the same. I am the one who will be taking care of her for Lord knows how long and yes I hate asking her for a few dollars to pay for my meds when I'm short LOL.
And the WORST thing ... I know that when my mom passes the ouse is going to my younger brother and I'll be on the streets and they do NOTHING for her. Last time I had to get my sister to take her to the doctor she made her fill her tank with gas AND buy her a big lunch that my mom complained she didn't even eat.
I guess that was more than you wanted but I just wanted you to see you're not alone
Thank you Martha and Texas. Dad still thinks he pays for everything even though he has his checkbook all the time and there is nothing in the ledger except payments to CitiCard, Citgo, BP, Sears, etc, etc, etc.
My name is on his checking acct and I am the one who takes care of it except for when he decides to write a check for $100 for himself. It's always $100-never more, never less.
I went for a car ride with dad today. Other than him forgetting which way to go (I think that's why he always takes someone along) and driving a little slow sometimes, he seems to do ok. He still knows his lefts and rights and stop on red, go on green. I started going for short rides with him every once in a while just to guage where his perception and memory are as far as driving.
There is so much building going on here lately that I can understand his confusion. They're reconfiguring roads like crazy for new industrial parks and subdivisions. It used to be all farms and cows here. I remember riding my bike down a road when I was a teenager and getting chased by a raging mad bull. JEEEZ, was THAT scary!
things are going to be really tight for us this summer. Dh will be out of work most of the summer and he cannot collect unemployment per his union contract. My job pays just $7.25/hr and my weekly hours are at the whim of my boss and the store manager. I'll have a job with my hubby come August plus the little hours they give me at the store. I have to keep that job for the insurance. My new job will be driving a school bus. I'm hoping to get a special ed route. I love kids to be with kids who are physically challenged.
Hmmm .. doesn't this seem to be a familiar picture.
My DH, 3 kids and I live with the inlaws. I buy all the food for the main meal of the day. I buy FIL's 'bits' during the fortnight (newspaper, throat lollies, bread etc) every so often, FIL gives me $20 ... doesn't quite cover anything. Or he'll give me $10 towards buying him a medicine, but it'll come to $13.50 ..I fork out the extra.
I also pay $200 off the phone bill each month, $40 off electricity (was $100, but we ended up with $600 credit with the electricity company), we cover the gas heating bill, put petrol in their car every so often (we use it for them only - we have our own car) I have my furniture in storage (no room up here) and that's $200 a month, we're paying off our car and of course, we have the inevitable credit card bills, internet costs and school fees.
FIL doesn't even CONSIDER assisting us financially because he see's we're not paying rent therefore we have that money as 'extra' .. trouble is, that 'extra' get's eaten up in buying food for 7 people instead of 5 and the storage and heating costs!!!
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