Isn't it funny how the word changed from caretaker to caregiver? We do take care of others, but I guess that's all we take. Cargegiver is more accurate.
People seem to belong to either the givers or the takers. The takers get more, at least in material terms, out of life, but at the expense of walking all over others.
My parents were givers. Whem Mom got married, she not only got a husband but a father in law and a live in brother in law. Later when her sister in law died, her brother's children came to live with us for months, until other arrangements could be made.
I think I am beginning to understand my sister. She is a taker. This may be irrelevant, and it was a very long time ago, but she was apprehended once for shoplifting. She was a stay at home Mom for a while and could not afford to buy everyhting she wanted, so just took things. Or maybe taking is a psychological escape from a dull existence.
But basically she managed to get everything she ever wanted, and did not do a whole lot for others, especially after her children grew up. I am convinced that her 2 or 3 weeks a year "Mothercare" is based on selfishness. I am also convinced that taking my mother everywhere and 'showing her off' as the bright, sparkly, alert and mentaly well 96 year old does nothing for Mom, but gets E "points' in her mind, espcially when her her friends say "this is the woman your sister thinks has dementia?"
She has not answered Bill's letter about his moving dates .. not volunteered to have Mom there during the moving time .. not asked how HE is doing ..no contact with her only brother since Mom was in Ohio. Bill thinks they initially moved to Ohio to escape from family responsibilities. There was always a conflict .. they didn't want to spend Christmas with us or with J's family so they went off skiing. They didn 't want to participate in Dad's retirement dinner, so they 'couldn't come. E caused a few raised eyebrows at the wedding in 2003 of Bill's son .. by wearing inappropriate clothes. Anna says, she just doesn't care ... she doesn't think about what others think, only herself is important. Her outfit was a green jogging suit. Well, it was made of a kind of glitzy material, but was not a dressup outfit. Anna has been annoyed at her ever since.
How does one sibling get to be a taker and the other 2 givers? Who is happier? I find great pleasure in doing small acts of kindness, like giving someone directions on the subway, or helping a blind man find the street crossing. Taking, and accumulating wealth and "things" is a dull kind of living. We can't take it with us ..that's for sure.
You've been thinking and being retrospective in the wee small hours of the morn' ..........
and rightfully so.
Yes, your right. There are takers and givers. My ex-sister-in-law (BIL's Ex Wife) is one of those. I still hear, to this day, how she "got me my drivers licence" .... what she did was get the proverbial poops with me not driving and having to drive ONE STREET away to pick my son up and take him to school with HERsame aged daughter (she was going there anyway) on WET DAYS ONLY. I had two toddlers when Cameron started school, Brianna being severely ill with asthma as a newborn (almost died twice in 7 months) ..... she got fed up after TWO WEEKS (one day a week) and dragged me off to the RTA to get my Learners Permit. (I already had a motor bike licence btw) .. in the 6 months I had to have the Learners, she took me for ONE lesson and that lasted 20 minutes. Yet she claims she 'got me my licence' ......and I am expected, at each meeting, to thank her for all she did for me. I'm over it personally. But I still feel I have to say Thankyou !!! LOL .. just whip me ......
Last year, when MIL was in her town visiting her brother and it all went pear shaped and horrid (MIL tantrums, hitting .. screaming .. you get the picture) and MIL's brother and his wife were going to put her on a train to Sydney to get rid of her (that's 6 hours drive south from here) and I got a phone call saying "tough, pick her up" I rang the ex-sister-in-law and said .. much to my chagrin .. "HELP" .. she picked up MIL and kept her for the day then DROVE her to Sydney where BIL picked her up.
To this day, I hear how she "saved the day" and didn't find MIL "much of a problem' and how she 'would like to help, but is too far away' and when I offer to drive MIL down to stay a week finds numerous excuses NOT to have her .
I call it THE MATYR SYNDROME .......... it makes 'em look good, but in fact, they doing jack S*** in actually being functional. And just for good measure, there is a medical psychological term for this syndrome, so I wasn't far off the track.
It absolves their conscious that they have actually DONE something, perhaps not as productive as necessary or as liked, but they DID do something and you CANNOT dispute it ....... salve to their soul basically.
We .. being the people we are, KNOW we could probably do MORE than what we ARE doing. It's our little guilt thing. Lord knows, I'm covered in it at the moment with our impending 'run away' break .. what if the hospital wants to send him home? What if he dies while we're away? What if MIL burns the house down? ........... it's hard having a conscious ....... it really is.
And that's where we differ from the martyrs .. we HAVE a very loud conscious .. it speaks clearly and we listen. Perhaps we listen too well sometimes, but we listen. We TRULY know right from wrong and we care and love our fellow human being . We're the ones who feel sorry for the stray animal and pick it up and take it to the vet, we're the ones who have a HEART.
And that alone should ease our guilt and our anger at others. Yup, I'm angry .. sure am .. fully admit it. I said to my niece today, "your dad doesn't do enough, it's annoying" and she said "yeah .. but he's always like that Aunty Sal ... what can we do?" .. so that justifies me in the fact I KNOW he's not doing enough because she doesn't even LIVE with him and she see's the same thing ......
Ok .. rambling again .............
**** I'm gonna miss you guys while I'm away ............ !!!!!!!!!!! (sob)
Hugs, hugs, hugs
Sally
Last edited by mustang_sally; 04-15-2005 at 03:51 AM.
I might add that the givers care less if they get attention where the takers CRAVE IT (ie. the sparkly sweatsuit at the wedding). There's nothing that would take the attention away from what the bride is wearing more than that. I was at a wedding like that where the bride's stepmother wore a "floosy" dress with no back and almost no front. It would have looked nice on a slender 20 something woman. But used to be fat but now flabby and 70ish, no.
Takers tend to stir up controversy. I think it's that they're bored with their lives. They really don't like their lives at all. Or maybe it's to divert attention away from something sinister they're doing? Ever notice that everyone outside of the taker's family LOVES the taker? In my sister's case, she is seen by her friends as someone who gives her time and money to friends in need. What a sweetheart she is! But they don't know that she just filed bankruptcy a few months ago and has sucked my dad bone dry of everything he has. He still has the house but 20 something thousand dollars of credit card and loan debt. But to everyone else, she's a wonderful person and I'm the one who's the taker. That's because she fills them with lies. So what if they think that. My sister and I know the truth and one day, she'll have to own up to what she's done.
We'll miss you too, Sally. Have a great time although you're probably gone already.
My parents were givers too. Before I was born, my mother's friend dropped off her son so she could go out for a while. She left him for 7 months. That baby learned to walk and talk with my parents. Then she came and took him back. My dad and his first wife adopted two of their friends' children. And when I was about 12 I remember my cousin's house burned down. She had 7 children. She and her oldest child went to stay in a shelter. The rest came to our house. My dad came home from work. Mom met him on our front porch and said "You know we had two kids when you went to work?" He said "Yes". "Well now we have 8." Can you imagine the shock? lol But dad said ok. It was always known in our household that if we have enough and someone else needs some, give it. Mom used to say "You never know. You might be in their shoes one day needing them to help you," But mom always tended to think the best of people. I guess I do too.
Ahh the mind boggles at what I can do in 13 hours ..... sleep being a major part of it..
When we lived 'down the road' in our own rented house .. we often had homeless or needy people. When my niece ran away from her home (BIL's 2nd eldest) I managed to get her to move in with us .. I KNEW it would be short term, I KNEW I would get her home (although they shuffled her off to another town 6 hours away) and I did ... but she was safe, and she was loved and she knew it .. she still knows it to this day. At any given time, any one of my nieces would turn up on my doorstep, in tears, asking to stay the night. Never .. ever was it a problem. Not once. I could always make food stretch a little more ...
A friend of a friend said a friend was homeless. He lived with us for 3 months. Ok . he used and abused us .. but a roof and food he had. Another internet friend and her autistic son .. moved town from a brutal husband ... stayed with us for 4 months .. not a problem ..........
I've always had an open door policy ....... good heavens .. what else .. the nieces met a lad, Christopher .. down and out, homeless, unemployed, beaten ... a homeless dog had better self esteem .. I counselled him, I worked with him, he had community service, he GOT A JOB .. he blew it eventually and ended up in jail .. and that's been my ONLY ONE I've 'failed with' but it wasn't me failing, Chris WANTED to be bad .. I can't save the bad ones if their intent is so strong .......
I've always cared.
Even when I ran away from home and was a homeless waif, sitting on the street wondering where my next shower was coming from (I was working fortunately, just had to find a bed for a while) .. and my bestest friend took me in ..... (we've known each other since we were 12 .. we're now 44 .. well, she's 44 today .. I'm 44 in June LOL) .. I got given a break, and I've felt I've had to give every underdog that same break. If they don't then what?
I'm not a show off .. I don't expect rewards, I DO EXPECT THANKS occassionally .. I WILL NOT take, I will always give .. if I can help, it would be my last $ or the shirt off my back (I have a good wardrobe ..LOL) ...... but help I will.
*Instead of selling our unwanted stuff at a garage sale, I give it to a charity shop.
*Instead of using 2 for 1 vouchers, I just buy it at normal price.
*I will use mince meat and sausages as our staple diet, instead of going to the charity's and asking for a food voucher.
*I will use pasta to extend our food to make left-overs
*I will use mince and pasta to make LOTS of lasagne and give it to our less fortunate friends
and do I expect anything? Nope. Do I want these people to say, forever and a day "wow .. wow... what a gal?"
Nope
I just want people to be happy. I want people to be at peace. If I can help in some small way, then GOOD .. I've done something worthwhile.
We've had several folks who lived at our home over the years, too. Friends and acquaintances all knew they were welcome for a meal or for the night - and one stranger who was a wandering jewelery maker camped in our yard for a few nights to have some warm food and a couple of showers. We still hear from her occasionally.
As I was told when a child, it takes all kinds of people to make a world, but the world would be a much better place if everyone was welcoming of everyone else.
Since being in VA with all there has been to deal with and this eternal *#!@#*&! house remodel, we've fed many stray dogs and cats, have adopted one of the forlorn stray dogs then had him as a beloved pet until he died, and adopted a terrified half-grown kitten who is still with us - as are 2 of her 3 kittens. All of the adoptees have had vet care and been "fixed" at our expense. Maybe when the remodel is over, we'll get back to caring for people!!
I think givers have bigger hearts!!
Have a wonderful, restful, and serene visit among the gum trees, the 'roos, and koalas!!
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