Help for the Girlfriend of an AD Caregiver - Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

Alto24601 · 07-27-2005, 11:31 PM

Hi. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I know that you all are very busy with your loved ones. My boyfriend of a few months takes care of his 89 year old grandpa. My bf is 25. He has nearly all the signs of caregiver stress and we have "taken a step back" in our relationship so he can cope better. While I offer to accompany him to visit grandpa in his assisted living home, that has yet to happen. I am only able to glean bits of information about grandpa's condition. The stages of Alzheimer's that I have read about do not make a lot of sense given the little bit of what I know.

Since most of you guys have first hand knowledge, I was hoping you could tell me where his grandpa is in the disease, approximately. He calls bf 3 or 4 times a week crying and frightened and whatever he says makes bf feel that he has to go over there every time. Most of the calls come in the evening (although that may be because that is when bf gets off work.) Bf says gpa is sharp as a tack some days and like a small child on others. He cannot drive or do financial things. Last fall there was some sort of guardianship hearing in court. Occasionaly he call's bf by bf's siblings' names. I know that he must have new concepts repeated to him over and over. He thinks he has heart problems (he may, or they might be panic attacks) and demands to be taken to the hospital. I know that this is not much to go on, especially since I haven't me the man. I'm just hoping that you guys might be able to make some sense out of this. Again thank you so much for your time!

Gina

angel_bear · 07-27-2005, 11:51 PM

Wow Gina, your BF sure has his hands full, and trying to have a meaningful relationship at the same time sure makes it difficult at every turn. It's nice to see you supporting him.

I'm not a medical professional, and without knowing more, it's hard to make a diagnosis. Your BF's Grandpa could just be an old man, frightened of being alone and needing reassurance. He could be sick. His medications could be off, he might not be taking them, taking them properly or over-dosing himself which creates odd and sometimes manic behaviour. It could be anything - It's just a widespread area, it's hard to start. But start it must.

You need to speak to you BF and make him realise that Grandpa MUST be assessed by a professional and as soon as possible. His fears and behaviours are REAL, and it could be fixed if it's a chemical imbalance however if it IS dementia, then other actions must be taken NOW.

I'm sorry I can't help you further, but we are here for support. I'm sure some of the other members here might have some great ideas too. Please let us know how you get on and if we can help any further.

Cheers
Sally

Martha H · 07-28-2005, 04:33 AM

Dear Gina,

My first thought was, "wow, a grandson is doing this? Where are Grandpa's sons and daughters?" Is anyone living with or near him? Does anyone have the power of attorney needed to help him with his finances?

My second thought was, "maybe he doesn't take Gina with him because it is embarrassing .." The elderly gentleman may make inappropriate comments, may smell bad (a common problem in Alzheimer's) or in some way act inappropriately. Your boy friend may want to spare you that, or may fear you would distance yourself from him if you knew just how awful his grandpa is doing ..

I agree with Sally that he must have a medical check up ..as soon as possible.

Your BF would be welcome to this Board to express his fears and proeblems and get some sage advice from those very experienced ones here who have been with an AD patient to the end. Come back and let us know how it's going!

Love to you,

Martha

Alto24601 · 07-28-2005, 06:22 AM

Wow! Thanks for getting back to me so quickly! To answer a few of your questions, his mom is an only child and he has two brothers. None of them have any problem letting him do all the work. They are just fine with the fact that grandpa has latched onto him. I do know for a fact that he has been diagnosed with alzheimer's. The place he lives takes care of any physical needs he may have. He does seem to be aware that he is literally losing his mind, which is terrifying for someone who likes to have control. Bf says he'll take me there "one of these days" but that the two of us can't really be serious until his grandpa stops asking for him. Basically grandpa is his girlfriend (time commitment-wise). I think much of this will stop when gpa stops remembering that bf is around and available. Any thoughts?

Thanks,

Gina

MIMPHISTO · 07-28-2005, 06:24 PM

GINA:

Whether you realize it or not your bf is walking the noble and right course by taking care of his grandfather. How long have you two been together?

Your boyfriend as a caregiver is realizing where his limitations are and unfortunately that limitation is your relationship. His grandfather may forget his name, but won't forget the feeling of him or his presence. Often times in families you find that one is the caregiver, the others back off.

The best thing you can do is support your bf and give him his space and allow him to do what he feels is right for his grandpa. You should read a book called Alzheimer's Essentials; Practical Skills for Caregivers it will help you and your bf, find it at any book store or at [ REMOVED ] great book.

good luck.