Need opinion on mom's future living option - Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

marypar · 08-01-2005, 08:23 AM

Hi, it's me again with much needed advice again. Hope I am not being a "pain" with my posts. It's just that everyone here understands whereas those in my everyday life don't understand.
Here it is: my parent's home in Long Island is now under my name and my two brothers, with parents having life estate. My sister-in-law who we never see, maybe only on holidays (my mom is not crazy about her) has experience taking care of dementia patient who lived with her and my brother - she took care of him until he broke hip and is in nursing home now - he had an apt. in their house. I love my brother and he visits mom and dad every week alone and takes care of the yard, etc. He said his wife (remember mom hardly sees her) wants to take care of my mother if the time comes. She said she and my brother could live in my parent's house and they could sell their house. I guess they would buy out me and other brother. Or mom could live in their vacant apt. in their home.
Now mom would be better in her own home. I don't know why I feel my sister in law would be invading my territory. I may be selfish. Even though this would solve problem of mom being alone, it bothers me that she would be with my mom's belongings and take over the house. I don't know how mom would react with her living there. I would have to give them my mom's social security check and maybe a little extra for food (total 1200 a month). I think I am being terribly greedy and selfish but then again I don't know if mom would be happy living with her (mom loves my brother though). Then I think about people coming and going in the house, their daughter is a teenager now, and my sister in law is starting an at home business where people would come and go. What do you all think? Would it be better for mom to live with them? Mom wouldn't be happy but we could take her to her house on weekends. Thanks a million, hopefully I will be quiet for a bit after this long winded post. maryann

Twinlynn · 08-01-2005, 09:17 AM

Hi, Maryann,

First of all--hey, if you can't ask questions on a Board specifically designed for you to ask questions--where CAN you!

There is no such thing as "too many questions", here. Your specific problem will certainly be another caregiver's problem at some point! Although each individual situation is somewhat different--a definite pattern seems to emerge in most dementia care cases. So--keep writing and asking!

One of the best suggestions I ever got (way before this Board was "born") was to hire an eldercare attorney. Not being one to run off to lawyers (I had an unspeakable ex-brother-in-law lawyer, who always seemed a tad too "eager" to get more info from my younger sister about our family's estate), I, nevertheless, DID get one whose field was eldercare.

He covered every aspect of "what if"--the legal and financial implications, what problems could possibly arise from my Mom's will, how to cover every potential problem that might come up.....including just what my brother-in-law might be "checking out" from past documents my sister might have let him read. We had two meetings with him....first, to discuss our specific situation...and the second, after he'd evaluated all the nuances of any legal documents my mother had filed.

I would never have thought of all the things he brought up and took care of. He followed our case until our house was sold.....and, after my Mom died, until the will was completely settled and the estate stuff dealt with.

It was the best $800 I ever spent. He was always available for our many phone calls with our many questions! It gave my twin sister and I such peace of mind!

Re. your brother and sister-in-law moving into your Mom's house....I'm confused. When you say your Mom can live in their vacant apt in their house...which house do you mean? I assume, if you say "you can take your Mom to her house on weekends"....you are saying that your Mom would NOT live with them? Please forgive me for my very own senior moment. But I'm just not certain I "get" this, correctly! LOL!

I have to say, though, that my instinctive emotional reaction, without even knowing all the facts, would be so similar to your's--particularly if you mother doesn't "love" your sister-in-law. My own mother never got to the stage where she would have been oblivious enough to her obnoxious son-in-law moving in! LOL!

Your instincts about just how your sister-in-law would deal with the difficulties of your mother's increasing dementia--just how "loving" she would be--are certainly worth serious consideration!

Lynn : )

marypar · 08-01-2005, 10:11 AM

Hi Lynn
I do have an eldercare attorney but planned on contacting her when the time is necessary.
My brother does have his own house with the vacant apartment about 11 miles from the family house when my parents live in Mineola. When the time comes Iwill have to see what condition mom would be in. Right now she is fine and doing great with my dad. Hopefully dad can keep managing the situation. He doesn't want any outside help and he does all the shopping and drives (he is 89). Time will tell. But I got upset when my brother said his wife would live there and they would sell their house. I felt like she was intruding when she shouldn't, but then again I feel that would solve my problem. Oh well, I don't know.
MaryAnn

Shays mom · 08-01-2005, 11:23 AM

Hi Lynn,
That is a lot to think about. My first "awww oh" thought came when you mentioned they would sell their home and buyout the other sibs and move in. Selling their home is a GIANT undo-able step and I wonder if they have ANY clue what it will be like trying to give her 24/7 care while she no longer knows WHO they are or WHY THEY ARE IN HER HOUSE. It sounds like your brother has mom's best interest at heart but I don't see this working out. The teenager is going to be overwhelmed by Grandmas illness and all that it entails, the daughter-in-law is taking on a bigger job that most anyone can handle without a LOT of help. I agree that an elder care attorney would be a very good first step. Does you brother understand that mom WILL deteriorate (possibly very rapidly)...my dad only survived for 3 years. She will forget who he is, may try to wander, may insist on cooking when she is no longer safe to do so, may try to call the police to have them come get the "intruders" (your brother's family). I guess I just don't think it will work at all.
What I think would happen if they sold their house and moved into mom's would be they would still need the help of all the sibs and maybe even with that mom may not be able to remain at home. If and when that happens I would think there would be a lot of hurt feelings on so many level. Alzheimer's takes a team.

Martha H · 08-01-2005, 11:23 AM

Dear Maryann,

Mixed feelings are normal for caregivers. While we want what is best for our loved one, we also want and need the possibiity of some relief and a life of our own, as the patient gets more and more demanding or just needs more and more care.

As happy as I am to live in Indiana now and leave all care up to my brother and sister in law, I still have mixed feelings ..such as when I hear that they plan to send her to a senior center by herself .. but then I just have to tell myself that I WANTED (desperately) to hand over her care to someone else, and now it's going to be up to them. Trial and error will soon show if Mom is even capable of being there ...and B and A are not stupid; it won't take long to figure it out.

Meanwhile he is 'unfree' as I was for so long ; although there are two of them in the house, and Anna takes care of Mom's clothes, personal cleanliness (she showers WITH her, something I never even imagined) Bill is the one man 'entertainment committee' even if it's just getting her started on grass watering or weed pulling ... Bill is also her sounding board for all her complaints, confused stories, wrong interpretations of the past and the present, etc. Anna does take her to church some Sunday mornings.

Now all 3 are upstate in a very small cabin, and with plumbing problems (a nearly dry well supplies water, all drinking water and cooking water is carried in from local supermarkets, there is barely enough water to flush the toilet occasionally ... I personally can't imagine Mom remembering NOT to flush ...

Etc.

They took a huge burden off my hands and I will hold back massively any protests I may have about what they are planning or doing ..I remember how annoyed and incensed I was whenever my sister told me "just let her go out, she'll be fine" or 'it's ridiculous that you don't feel free to go out when Mom is home, just go! She will be fine!' and when I worried about Mom burning pots (she ruined 8 pots or pans or kettles in the last year) E said "mom is too smart to burn a pot."

SOO .. make your decision carefully when the time comes, and then let go if your Mom is living with the brother and SIL. My question is how do YOU get along with SIL? Do you trust her judgement? Is she a caring, loving person?

If so, go for it, get off the hook!

Love,

Martha