Too Soon He Is Gone - Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

imwarbaby · 08-05-2005, 07:03 PM

Daddy, who was diagnosed in February of this year, passed away early August 2nd. We buried him today.
When you hear "Alzheimer's Disease" you often think of it as stretching on for years-not so in our case. We went from repetiveness/forgetfulness to paranoia to delusions to hallucinations to nitetime incontinence to having to be spoon fed to complete incontinence to inability to walk to not eating/drinking and not getting up in just 6 short months.
We took him in last Thursday morning for abdominal swelling-he had 2 liters of urine retained! He was pretty much unresponsive, and when he was awake, he would not eat or drink and couldn't talk. He was uncomfortable and in pain, so was kept comfortable with demerol, ativan, and valium. His living will said no artificial nutrition/hydration, so I had no moral choice but to honor his wishes.
It was becoming a challenge to care for him, but I didn't care-I would have done it forever...he became my baby. I feel so cheated, so robbed of time...what now? What will I do, I'm lost without him...

a tearful imwarbaby

angel_bear · 08-05-2005, 07:24 PM

Dearest, sweetest, patient Imawarbaby,

Losing your Daddy is the most painful thing a girl can experience. And you've lost him twice!

CRY! Cry! Cry! My daddy's been gone just over a year now, and I still sob when I talk about him or think about him.

But hold to yourself, that your daddy is safe now. He's not in pain. He's not going to have people poking and prodding him, he's in no danger anymore.

I think, for your first week where you will experience the most deepest of depressions with your 'what if ....' thoughts, you need to just absorb the pain, the shock, the anger, the denial, the guilt. Don't fight it, just roll with it. Let it wash over you.

And above all TALK to your Daddy! He is still around you and inside you. Tell him how you feel. Tell him what your dreams for him were, talk to him, let it out. He will hear you.

Still, I am so sorry for your loss. He will never be replaced, but he is, and will always be, in your heart.

(((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))
Sally

Martha H · 08-05-2005, 08:11 PM

Dear Imwarbaby,

I too am so sorry for you, and offer you my condolences. TOO fast ..how awful this disease is ..some linger on until they becomea burden too great to bear, while others deteriorate so fast, and go.

I do believe he has gone to a better place where there is no suffering. I also lost my dad (liver and lung cancer, at the age of 74) quite fast ..he went into the hospital for diagnostic tests on Dec 6 and died on Dec 31, never got back home. This was a long long time ago. It was a shock, and I grieved .. but I do want you to know that it gets better.

Remember him as he was before he got sick; and yes, he will always be with you. I had two very vivid dreams of my Dad recently while agonzing over leaving my Mom in my brother's care, in which he gave me good advice. I believe he was really there.

I know none of this is a real help or comfort, but believe me, it gets better.

love and prayers,

Martha

BarbaraH · 08-05-2005, 08:47 PM

Oh, Imwarbaby,

Bless your heart. I know the sadness, loneliness, sorrow, and grief you feel. I lost my Dad to cancer when he was 73 and I was just 32. There is no good time or good way to lose your father. Slow and terribly drawn out or all too swiftly, it is still a heartbreak. One of the anchors in your life is gone. The arms that carried you when you were tiny and hugged you as a woman cannot do that any more. It is an immense loss.

As Martha said, it does get better with time. For now, let yourself cry, be sad, and even laugh with silly memories or funny family stories. Hug your mother. Cry together. Odd as it sounds, my mother and I wallpapered her dining room in the first few days after my Dad's funeral. Mom later told me the only way she slept those first nights was just because of sheer exhaustion.

Be gentle with yourself. Carry kleenex. Duties can wait.

Blessings and hugs - Barbara

LuvMyLilDoggie · 08-06-2005, 08:53 AM

Oh Imwarbaby! I know how you feel. My mother left us suddenly almost 12 years ago. She was feeling sick the day before and just a few hours later, I got the call that they called an ambulance. She died on the way to the hospital. She had a heart attack. She was 67 and I had just turned 31 five days before.

It hurt a lot. I never thought I could get through such pain. First I was hurt, then I was angry. Angry at her leaving and angry at myself for not being there for her. If I had done this....If I had done that....and oh how I wish I would have said "I love you" before I left her house the day before.

Feel whatever feelings you're having. Don't push them aside. But don't let guilt take over. You did everything within your power to make your daddy as comfortable and as happy as possible. He knows now all that you've done for him and how much you love him. He will always be with you. You'll always carry him in your heart. It's been 12 years since my mom passed and sometimes I can still hear her voice. Of course, this usually happens when I do something she wouldn't approve of.

She's that little voice of reason for me.

That old saying 'Time heals all wounds' isn't always true. The wounds of losing a parent you love so dearly never fully heal. But as time passes, so does the horrible pain. I can think of my mom now and smile, sometimes laugh. With time, you'll be able to think of your daddy and smile, even laugh.

What I encourage you to do is to think of the times your daddy made you feel special, when he made you feel loved and when he comforted you. But most importantly, remember the times he made you laugh. Those are the memoried that will help you get through the next hours, days, weeks, months and years.

God Bless your heart.

Love, Barb