Can someone please help me??? - Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

cyt · 08-12-2005, 09:15 PM

Hi - I am new here. I have been studying AD for a few years now, since my Father-in-law has dementia. That's not why I'm here. I'm here because I'm worried that my husband has early-onset Alzheimer's. He is 57. I've noticed changes, subtle at first, for the past couple of years. It's gotten to the point now where they are glaring changes. I want to say right up front that he has not been to a doctor with these problems. These are my fears and have not been confirmed. He still works. Thank God he's been at his job for so long that he knows it well. He has made some mistakes recently off and on, but nothing major. The problem is his memory loss and his personality changes. We have 2 teenagers and they are bothered by it too. Whenever we bring something up that has happened in the past, be it 2 years ago or last month, he doesn't remember it. Names of the kids friends, forget it. He doesn't remember. We tell him things and later on he doesn't remember them. It's getting worse. And his personality has changed too. It's also very hard to communicate anything to him for me and the kids. We'll tell him something and he asks us a hundred questions, trying to understand. It is so frustrating to us. I get so angry. Sometimes I ask him about his memory problem and he doesn't think he has one. He readily admits to things he doesn't remember and yet he says he doesn't have a problem?? I'm scared. I don't like this. I've always stayed home and raised the kids. Now I feel trapped. I want to get away from him - I don't like him anymore. I feel like a horrible person for even saying it, but yet, it's true. I don't want to take care of him when he gets worse. I saw what that did to my Mom when she took care of Dad for 6 years after his stroke. It almost killed her. I'm 52 years old. What kind of a future do we have? The kids can get out of here in another couple of years and have a life and I want that for them. I get so depressed about it. I don't want to take him to the doctor. I know the medicine is too expensive for us to buy and it doesn't help that much anyway. What can I do to cope with this?? I know too it may be something else going on with him, but he has all the classic symptoms. I know it's not simply a middle aged man going through some change of life here. I've known him for 24 years and I know something is terribly wrong with him. I needed to vent and thanks for listening. I know you'll tell me to take him in and get him looked at, but he doesn't think he has a problem and I also know how hard this is to diagnois. I also know we can't affort a bunch of expensive tests. Has anyone else seen this happen in a person of 57, and if so, what are the beginning stages like for you? I've read the stages, and feel he is pretty much in stage 3. I feel like I'm living with a stranger. Thanks for your thoughts (and prayers). cyt

WannaBeFreeToRoam · 08-12-2005, 10:19 PM

Hi cyt,

I am glad that you came here to vent and talk. You picked the right place. There are some really nice, caring, smart ladies here. They will give you some good advice and help - but, probably not til tomorrow.

I am sorry if your husband is not acting the same as he used to. Did you try the library for some books on AD? Maybe there is one on early onset?! My father did not get AD until he was 70 - 75. He was not diagnosed (taken to the dr.), until he was 77. He is now 78. I would say he is in stage 5 - 6.

My dad did have an expensive "head" test (where they hook you up to a machine with the little circles hooked to a machine - the circles are on your head.). That test said he was normal. But his neurologist, did a short written and talking test and walking, and diagnosed him with alzheimers and parkinson.

Maybe if you and your daughters could talk to him and find something to show him - some kind of 1 pg article? - you guys could convince him to go to a neurologist. And if you told that dr., that you could not afford lots of test, maybe he would just do the in office mental test. You do not have to tell your husband that it is a mental test.

I know very little about early onset. I hope you get some good advice and help tomorrow. Keep coming back and talking and venting. That helps, too.

Take care. Wannabe

camachinist · 08-12-2005, 10:38 PM

I'd suggest a routine physical, and letting the doctor/nurse know, in advance, of your concerns. No need to make a big deal about it with hubby. Denial is a hallmark of early-stage AD/dementia, if that is in fact what he has.

Take it one step at a time and get the obvious physical stuff checked out first. Many "dementias" are fully reversible with simple lifestyle changes and/or treatments. As a caregiver, I know stress can be a big causal factor in reversible dementias, like those caregivers get. I've had it. Not pretty.

Best wishes!

Pat

BarbaraH · 08-13-2005, 07:16 AM

Hi Cyt,

Sorry you need to be here. I cannot imagine how difficult your situation and I do hope it's something reversible. Sadly, 57 is not too young for early onset Alzheimer's. Also sadly, no matter how long your husband has done his job, that ability and understanding will disappear at some point if it's Alzheimers.

My little mother had Alzheimer's but it didn't start until she was about 84.

I also say you must start with a doctor. It can be more affordable if you live near a teaching hospital or the VA if your husband is a veteran. Whatever ruse you use to get him there, he must be tested and examined to find out what is going on. If it's a reversible problem, that will be a great bonus.

If you read back through the posts, those by Beginning address her situation which is very similar to yours. There is lots of good information here, practical suggestions, and just hugs and support.

If you're must be here, you're not alone on this most unwelcome road. Talk and vent as needed.

Wishing you well - Barbara

Martha H · 08-13-2005, 07:41 AM

Dear Cyt,

I agree that a doctor has to see him under whatever ruse you need to use. Imagine if his personality change is NOT dementia at all but a slow growing operable brain tumor? Or a kind of Parkinson's or other dsease treatable by medicines? He could get well and be his old self again.

If not .. you have a hard row to hoe ahead of you and you have my utter sympathy .. I know how hard it was to care for my Mom, but I am sure a husband is ever so much harder, since you don't expect such an 'old age' problem to affect him, and you practially lose him as a partner years befoe you lose him physically. You have to take care of everything yourself. It would be important if this is the case to get Power of Attorney for him so you can manage financial matters if he gets too confused to do it (right) .. your daughters can also help a lot there, as he may prefer to designate the oldest child rather than you.

Since you have been a mother and wife all these years it will be a shock if he is unable to continue working. I wonder if it would be a good idea for you to take some courses or get part time employment now while he still functions pretty well ... so later you have recent experience/traiining if you have to be the sole support of the family.

But let's not even think that far ahead - most important is to go for an 'annual' checkup and inform the doctor by phone or hand him/her a note at the time, saying 'my husband has become very forgetful and I am worried about it' ..then he can do the simple memory test as part of a normal conversation.

Early onset cases are sometimes slowed down by medications (yet another reason to bet diagnosed.) I always felt angry that my Mom could not be helped, and the words 'postpones inability to function as much as 18 months' seems a hollow promise. But in a person as young as your husband, 18 months of ability to support the family would be a great blessing.

Try to get him to a GOOD doctor soon .. it is really the best thing you can do for both of you and the girls.

love,

Martha