One thing I found out about my dad-if I tried to help him by telling him what he needed to do or what I was going to do for him, he ALWAYS did the opposite!
This doesn't always work in every situation and it doesn't always work for everyone. But I think it's always worth a try. When you want your mom to do something, make very subtle suggestions. If you see her getting aggitated, change the conversation to something more positive. Go back to the suggestion only when your mom is in a good mood. Dance around the subject by asking "Do you think it's a good idea if....?" If you ask questions instead of saying something like "I think you should", you may get better results.
My dad knew what was happening to him early in the disease. He would NEVER admit it to us but I would sometimes catch him saying things like "I'm getting like my dad".
My dad's been out of town for over a month now. I've had time to reflect on some things and try to figure out as best I can how his mind is working now and how he feels about his AD and all that goes with that.
So far I've figured out his anger directed at me (or so I think) is not always because I've done or said something to provoke an angry reaction. Sometimes he's angry at his illness. Sometimes he's angry at someone else. Sometimes he's angry because he forgot the Cubs game was on tv at 1pm and not 7pm. Sometimes he's angry because that's the only way he knows how to express his feelings of hurt. Sometimes he's angry at himself because (this is the big one) he feels that he and his disease are a burden to me.
I've also learned to listen to his stories over and over again. I know I'll miss them when he's no longer able to tell them.
I've learned to allow myself to feel sad over my dad's disease but to not let it ruin my life.
I've learned to ask my dad's opinion on things and if I can't use his advice, I tell him "Thank you. I really appreciate your opinion". This makes him feel good. He doesn't have to know I did it just to humor him.
Sure, it would be easier if your mom would let you help. But she may see your help as a loss of independence for her. To her, she may feel that giving up her independence means she's getting older and it's one step closer to the grave. And by giving up her independence, she may feel that she'll lose her dignity as well.
If you think the house needs to be cleaned, you can ask your mom for help with something. I know, I know. It'll be done faster if you do it yourself. Been there. Know that.
But it may make her feel needed and useful. And that's more than worth the extra time.
The paragraph above is my Plan 1. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. And if it doesn't, I go to Plan 2. Here, I think of a few things that need to be done pretty badly in my opinion. Then I say something like "I'm in a cleaning mood but can't decide whether I should clean the bathroon or wash the curtains. What do you think?" And if he thinks neither of them are dirty, I say "Well, I can mop the floors or do laundry".
And if Plan 2 doesn't work, I enlist the help of my uncle. I either drop dad off at my uncle's house or my uncle picks him up. They spend some time together while I do what I need to do.
Now to answer your original question.
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Has anyone had problems with a person they suspect has dementia refusing to seek help?
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YES!!!!!! My dad di the SAME THING! Reason? I think it was because, in his heart, he already knew. His dad had gone through it as well as a couple of people on my mom's side. He saw what happened to them. He was scared and still is. He's in between stage 5 and 6. But some days, he has glimpses of amazing clarity.
For my dad, the diagnosis seemed one step closer to the end of things as he knew them. That's a very frightening thought for anyone.
My dad has other health conditions so I used them as an excuse to get him to the doctor. I told him the doctor called and wanted to see him about his blood pressure medication and she said if he didn't go, she couldn't refill his prescription (ok, I lied!). While there, I discussed his memory loss and mood swings with his doctor (while dad was not in the room). She refered him to a geriatrician to be tested. That's how I got him there. And he's been going ever since then.
Hope this helps!
Please come back to the boards. BTW, welcome! You're in good company!
Love Barb
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