I have the respite for MIL !! 21st Sept to the 6th October! Oh lucky day.
But, for tonight, FIL has come home for 2 nights (we were only told 1 .. now on his arrival, we're told 2) whilst his bathroom at the nursing home is remodelled.
I was strong enough to say he could eat dinner with his wife and have some time with her (not that she wanted it) and we would have time upstairs. This is the way we want it. Well, that went down OK .. surprise surprise!
I gave them dinner .. and MIL pushed the chair away from the table, stood up, bent over, cut a piece of food and put it on her fork, sat down, chewed the piece. Stood up, bent over, cut another piece of food off, sat down, chewed the piece .. it wasn't until FIL told her to sit down, she sat properly.
A few hours pass, I've been up and down stairs all bloody night (so much for STUDY and HOMEWORK) settling him into bed and stuff, and MIL is there, looking cross. The next time I went down, he said she had gone to bed. So I'm finally settling him down, opening curtains, getting urine bottles ready and there she is, standing watching again. I said "I'll be back later" and left. A moment later, I went to 'hover' downstairs, and there is is in our doorway, swinging her handbag.
Umm . it's 9pm ..and that's her indication that she wants to go out ... I don't think so.
Next thing, she's disappeared, so I creep down my stairs to shut my door, and the next thing she's almost bashing down the door .. I 'appeared' and said "whatcha up to MIL" and she said her words, and I said "Do you want to go out?" and she said "Of course" when I told her it was late, and bedtime, and she got VERY cross with me, and tried to hit me !
Oh look !! Some behaviour just doesn't change !!!
She then went to FIL (as did I) and glared at him, and he started telling her the same thing as me, the shops are shut, the sun is down, it's bedtime ..
She didn't believe him either .. this scenario went on for close to 10 minutes.
She's not happy FIL is home. She's not happy he's calling on me to help, she wants her dementia drive, drunken little non-life back without FIL's influence ! Anyway, she told me to LEAVE, and I left, but she followed me, and pushed me into my door, and stomped into her room.
AND HE'S GOING TO HAVE ANOTHER NIGHT AT HOME !!!!
I'm dreading tomorrow .. absolutely DREADING it ....
Now he's organised me to: Make an appointment with Social Security for him tomorrow. Take his car to get a Pink slip for registration. Then I'm going out to the nursing home I volunteer at AND book MIL in for the RESPITE we've been given (yay .. a break) then actually REGISTER his car, then pick him up, take him to centrelink, take MIL shopping (yay me .. :-( ...) then come home, cook dinner .. settle him ... duck her
'this too shall pass!" DON'T hate your life! You are there for a reason and for a time, not forever; you WILL have your life back. I am thankful you got the Respite Care for MIL, that will give you a little break, and who knows, after that she may be able to go straight to a NH (especially if they find her totally incapable of living alone, which is coming up in 3 months - tell them that!!)
Try to find something, however small, to enjoy every day - - - enjoy your dear children, getting a good mark at colege, talking to a friend, etc .. your life is really hard right now but it's still your life!
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))) )))))))))))))))))))))))))!! I hear you!
Hang in there - FIL will be gone again in another day. His added demands are the deal breakers just like they were before he left home. It's just tooooooooo much. It's proof that he cannot come home without a minder 24/7 (whose name is NOT Sally) and that's just the way it is.
Prevail on the powers that be at "your" nursing home to make a way to keep MIL there after her respite days. That will allow your family to make repairs, paint if needed, and expand into the whole house for the last few months in NSW. You'll be helping get the house ready to sell, for BIL to move into, or whatever after your lot moves away. That's got to appeal to BIL on some level.
What you're dealing with now, trying to juggle and not commit any crimes , and just survive is only a temporary part of your life. Hate the diseases, hate the immense number of directions you're being pulled, but you life isn't those things although it no doubt feels like it. You're exhausted and frustrated and in mourning for Doris and those emotions are draining.
As Martha said, do something just for yourself each day and refuse to be interrupted during that time - as I used to tell my sons, unless someone is bleeding, a bone is sticking out, or something is on fire. Turn your phone off. If you have to leave the house to have that space, okay. Take a walk in the neighborhood or at a garden center. Browse through a bookshop. Meet a friend for tea. If there's more time available, pack up some yummy things and go visit FIL's magnificent sister. She'd enjoy the tea party and so would you!
Find ways to keep breathing room for yourself. Anne Morrow Lindberg (wife of Lucky Lindy) wrote a book titled "Gifts of the Sea" and she talked about the many pulls on a woman's time. The little book was published about 50 years ago, but it's still available and may be at your library. I recommend it! A few pages or a chapter a day may help.
Sally, what Martha said (this too shall pass) is a phrase I often tell myself in stressful situations. Here's another thing that helps me:
God, Grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.
I close my eyes and sort of meditate while praying (I'm getting quite good at that). I can meditate with the tv blaring and people talking over it. I can shut them all out temporarily while regaining my sanity.
But sometimes, I must admit, I have thoughts of lining up the distractors of my sanity and speed slapping them! Just a thought. No violence here. lol
Sept. 21st, eh? That's one day past my birthday. I've been wishing the respite for you so maybe that's the birthday wish that came true? Damn! That means I don't get the million dollars I wished for! Oh well. All for a good cause.
I am so glad that you got MIL in respite care!!! That is more than 2 weeks!! You will have a chance to rest up and do what ever you want in your spare time. Which probably really is not much time! What with your college, your volunteering, your family and FIL. But there should at least be some time to yourself. Take it and enjoy it. That is not very far away. Count the days til the respite care and then after that (if they do let her come home), you can count the days til moving time!
I do worry about you. Maybe you need some anxiety medicine? But it might would slow you down - with so much you have to do. I try to breathe the correct way. Just close your eyes and breathe in for a slow count of 5 and breathe out for a slow count of 10 or more. I breathe in thru my nose and out thru my mouth. Do at least 5 times. It helps me to calm down and relax!
I do have another question. What will MIL do in the NH, if she cannot drink alcohol?! Is it a locked door site? She will probably try to leave many times, unless it is locked or they give her calming drugs. But do not worry, they will handle her, that is what respite time is. For you to have some respite and them to worry about MIL!!! Anyway, when she does go in, or a few days b4, warn them that she does drink a lot. They should know. Of course, you probably already know that, with your background and college learning!
Take care and do not hate your life. Just hate your situation for moment.
, and just survive is only a temporary part of your life. Hate the diseases, hate the immense number of directions you're being pulled, but you life isn't those things although it no doubt feels like it. You're exhausted and frustrated and in mourning for Doris and those emotions are draining.
Just a thought. No violence here. lol
Oh well. All for a good cause. 
Linear Mode
