OK ... From my panic of ringing the nursing home at 12.45 and finding MIL STILL not there, I rang ACAT and blubbered and stressed all over the phone. ACAT rang me back (We'll call her C) and said "don't panic!"
Easier said than done of course .. but OK .. I'll listen.
She told me she had rung Day Care the other day and told them her plans. They informed her that MIL won't be able to stay at Day Care much longer, because she's showing some challenging behaviour and wandering off.
So, because of this behaviour, C thought it best to leave MIL at Day Care until JUST before the bus leaves to take them home, so she would pop in and give MIL a lift ...
So ... C apologised for not informing me of the updates, and came around to the house and got the medical forms and the $ so I don't have to go out there again.
PHEW! Now FIL is stalking me on the mobile, I daresay he wants to know what's happening, but C is going to ring me after she's left MIL and tell me how it went
I feel so weepy and teary ... because ACAT are going to do their damndest to KEEP MIL .. that she SHOULDN'T come home AT ALL. They have confirmation from uninterested parties, that MIL is a danger to herself even when she's WITH people ... the 3 wanderings last week double confirm it ...
So .. an update soon I hope ..... and fingers crossed that the Nursing home don't refuse her (they do have the right) and that BIL doesn't go and get her to 'save' her (I don't think he will, but it wouldn't surprise me), because C said if he does that, then MIL will have to live with him because Sally is burnt out and exhausted. She's concerned about MY mental health LOL ...
I know that this is hard on you - mentally! I bet you will be exhausted after today. It sounds like ACAT is doing their darndest to get MIL in respite and to keep her in a NH!! I will keep my fingers and toes crossed for you.
And they are really looking out for you too. I think that they can tell from your voice, that you are about to give out!!! If I were you, I would not call FIL until she is in the NH.
I think that is interesting that the Adult Day Care did not tell you about MILs doings - like wandering and not getting along. Do you think they told BIL and he just did not want to inform you? Oh well - it sounds like this respite came at a very good time! Maybe the ball will be kept rolling!!!
Take care and rest, rest, rest. Also relax and sleep. :>
MIL is IN THE NURSING HOME ... (cheering, waving, balloons and streamers)
C took her, and explained why this was happening. MIL wasn't sure about exactly WHAT was happening, but C is quite sure she understood (ok .. maybe my pessimism(sp?) is too strong at the moment) and when C was about to leave, MIL picked up her purse. The Nurse said "Your staying here for your holiday love" and steered her in another direction.
The theory is: A bed will come up in the next two weeks. We don't even care what kind of bed it is (high care or low care), preferably in the dementia specific wing (where I play .. which means I probably couldn't? I don't know). If a bed comes up and the nursing home believe MIL should stay for her own safety, then ACAT will back them up on that. It will be interesting to see what's going to eventuate.
So .... today I:
Stripped the wet bed and remade it. Tomorrow I'll strip it again and put it out in the SUN !!!!
Mopped the kitchen floor with disinfectant
Found some of MIL's 'soiled' clothes, and caught up with HER washing. I also washed some blankets, and the bathroom mats (cause they stunk bad) ...
Downstairs smells reasonable at the moment .. !! It's had a good airing, wipe down and clean out ...
Oh .. and I found bacon in a cupboard, well and truly stashed with maggots having a wonderful time (I KNEW I could smell off food somewhere) ... AND I found 2 1/2 bottles of white wine in a kitchen drawer. I sent her chocolate with her, and I'll drop in some treats for her before we go, she likes her nibblies.
I AM exhausted and it's only 5.38pm!! It's been a LONG day. FIL isn't sounding too happy with MIL in the nursing home, as I said before, he's suspicious and wary of what's going to happen. Of course, I think this responds to him maybe having to sell the house to get MIL into proper care .. which is sad that her safety comes down to his ownership of a house .. but that's his problem.
ACAT are very proud of me. They say I am 'blossoming' in my independence and I am gaining strength each day. I said BIL still scares the willy's out of me when he's on a tirade, and a tirade will happen if MIL is kept in the nursing home, but I do believe if he started on me I could tell him where to go and walk away.
I would probably be shaking, and highly likely crying .. but I could walk away. 6 months ago I stood in front of him and took it all .. not anymore -
So ... except for the odd phone calls to check how she's going .. I have two weeks off. ACAT asked if I was going to pop in before we go away next week, and I said NO, I don't think it's a good idea, because she might expect to come home with us and that could cause a problem. She said "Good thinking girl!!!" .... LOL .. FIL expects us to visit daily .. that's not a happening event.
Oh Sally your blood pressurew must have gne through the roof today ..I hope you will now try to relax, not worry about next week but just chill out.
Of course to FIL the world is tumbling down around his ears. He is in a nursing hme, but until now had the illusion that his wife was safe at home with you and your family, and would be for the rest of her life, which will probably be longer than his.
Now, he is confronted with the total cancellation of his plan. She will not go home again; you wil leave, he will have to sell the house to finance his own and his wife's nursing homes. I understand he is in a panic.
BUT ...YOU have been putting up with impossible conditions for more than a year and you cannot and will not do it any longer! So even though it forces all his plans to change, it is happening and there is no way to stop it. Let BIL rant and rave, but you are off the hook.
What a sad situation for everyone .. neither of them wanted to get sick. I don't know how you put up with it this long, but go now, and enjoy the rest of your life in peace and happiness. You have earned enough points to last a lifetime ...
Glory be!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are free!!!!!!!!!! You are on holiday!!!!!!!!!
MIL is safe from harm and from herself (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and thanks to you! I'd like to be a fly on the wall to see how MIL is doing.
Good for you, girlfriend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I agree with Martha's analysis of FIL's motives, but I see an additional wrinkle. I think he feels with MIL in the house, he can come home again. That's it in a nutshell - he planned to come home. With the house empty, sold, rented, or with BIL's lot in residence, he's stuck in the NH for the rest of his days. If your family moves away, the caring people will be gone. That's sad. Even though he's made himself a royal pain, that's sad. But for 2 weeks - that's his business!
Can ACAT over-rule the family about MIL's care and safety if BIL tries to cause trouble? Love that C said MIL would have to live with BIL! Wouldn't you like to see L's face if she ever gets that news??!!
Sounds like you've done well in the post-imposter clean-up and clean-out. Spread out in the house for the next little while and enjoy the elbow room!
Hugs of happiness! Barbara
p.s. how did she do the first night?? Call and ask - they expect that!
I just rang the NH to get a report on MIL's first night .........
NOT GOOD !!
At 7.30pm, she had to be moved to the Dementia Secure Unit (Lock-down) because she was wandering into peoples rooms and getting abusive with residents and staff.
So now .. her bed is in the lounge-room of the secure area, because there is no bedroom available in lock down.
They are demanding an immediate re-assessment ... AND
They asked me if she could come home .. and .........
I SAID NO !!!! I said I had booked respite for a reason, and that we were going away .. and she said "If your MIL get's much worse, we will have to put her into hospital, she cannot stay here" I said "do what needs to be done"
I KNEW this would happen !! I JUST KNEW this would happen !!!
But .. she's not coming home .. we are having a break ... MIL will be looked after, regardless .. and she WILL be properly assessed, and the rest of the family isn't going to like it, but my argument is "So you don't want her safe?" and if they continue to make excuses, we will leave earlier than expected.
I expect with BIL comes home from his jaunt away, if MIL is misbehaving still, that he will pull her out. If he does that, ACAT will make him responsible for her. She is not, under any circumstances, to remain at home ALONE at any time. They will make that clear.
I feel like a whinging, complaining B*i*t*c*h about all this, but enough is enough. If a nursing home with TRAINED STAFF can't handle her, who the heck expects ME (almost but not quite trained) to cope ...???
Deep breath .... fingers crossed
(Who promises, she will not ring again unless specifically asked)
OH NO!!! Sorry that all has gone haywire, but of course MIL is haywire, so it's to be expected.
Glad you remained firm that you're outta there and they can do as they need to because of MIL's problems. The family can jolly well open their eyes and see what care MIL needs or take her on themselves.
Hope some happy medium is found with or without you and that you can be carefree for 2 weeks! Go for it!
Stay strong - you're in the right! I'm proud of you!
Spoke to FIL .. he took it quite well considering .....
We visited the "Secure" respite area this afternoon .... oh it's sad .. so very very sad .. there was a lady at the door, determined to make it work, she had wet herself and you could smell her through the door .... yuck ... they took us for a wander around, and thankfully, it was only that lady that smelt, the rooms are spacious and airy, safe and secure with a lovely garden in the middle. We even saw 2 residents come up and shake hands like they had just met .. that was sweet ...
But it is so very very sad, and they all reminded me of MIL .... 'cept she doesn't see herself like them, and yes, she has a different form of dementia that 'typical'. My MIL has never been 'typical' LOL.
So .. BACK to the doctors office to ask him to fill out another medical form, then BACK to the chemist to say "don't send anything yet, we're not sure where she'll be ..." and they informed me that a 'relaxant' has been ordered for MIL.
MIL will be staying at the nice nursing home tonight, but will be shipped out in the morning. This is going to be sticky, because it's FIL's birthday tomorrow and he wants to go out for lunch, and I daresay, he wants MIL to join him.
Tough situations ............
It's been an AWFUL day, BUT I have achieved much by getting ALL the laundry done, cleaning out her kitchen, her mattress has been in the sun ALL day and smells much nicer now, the floors are clean, the house aired out ....
We're still having our holiday, although I am threatening to go earlier than expected now (because a) I can and b) we might have to).
BIL is due home tomorrow .. he's gotten in on the act .. so we'll see what waves he creates - Hurrican Rita might not be so bad compared to an irate BIL !!! (Just kidding, I know the hurricanes are more serious --->)
Hugs all *Ready for a stiff scotch and bed and it's only 3.24pm*
Oh boy. Isn't is strange that places you would think KNOW how to deal with such patients don't want to do it? Why give her back to you? I wonder what BIL will do ...he won't likely take her home with him.
I dont even know what to tell you ..just keep planning your vacation and go, yes go early .. get out of reach of phones. Don't make plans for his birthday .. that is the least of your worries right now, he has some nerve to expect HER to be there ....
I'm hoping and praying you get your respite and MIL is finally placed PERMANENTLY- WHERE SHE IS safe and people safe from her. It is sad to see those poor souls wandering around lost, but this is the sickness, and this is the nursing home supposed to deal with it!!!
Yep, leave now, tell FIL you'll do his birthday lunch when you're back and go. Phones off unless you want to use them. Leave before BIL returns. This is self-preservation! In case BIL brings MIL home, you might lock up precious items in case she comes upstairs or lock the door so she cannot get upstairs.
Perhaps the "relaxant" will help MIL be calmer and more compliant so she'll be okay at the new place. It is so sad to tour places that care for those so far gone from Alzheimers. We saw 2 that were bad and, thankfully, the others were good, clean, sunny, and pleasant.
I hope some safe place can be found for MIL. It does speak volumes that the NH specializing in care of AD patients cannot handle MIL. You have been working more wonders than you knew!
Stay strong! You have nothing to be ashamed of or feel bad about. You have done the best you could for MIL for as long as possible. No guilt!!!!!!!
Hope you can pop on here to let us know you're escaping! GO!!!!!!!!!!!!! Stop by to collect the mail and go!!
You wrote: "I feel like a whinging, complaining B*i*t*c*h about all this, but enough is enough. If a nursing home with TRAINED STAFF can't handle her, who the heck expects ME (almost but not quite trained) to cope ...???"
SALLY STOP CALLING YOURSELF NAMES!!!!!!!!
You have performed a juggling act well above anyone's rightful expectations, now you will be taken off the hook! If a nursing home can't cope wirh MIL, how can you? Give up, let them forcibly place her, even if it takes a court order. Meanwhile get out of reach!
Last edited by Martha H; 09-22-2005 at 06:14 PM.
ACAT will not allow MIL to be brought home in our absence. If BIL wants her out, then he will be made to take full responsibility for her in HIS home!
And we all know,that won't happen ...
Latest breaking news: MIL might be able to stay in the nice nursing home for a few days as one of the 'secure' residents had to go to hospital, so they're using his room for MIL. She's on seroquel (sp?) a calmative that takes 30 minutes to work and is only used as needed (which will be more regular than I think they will say).
ON the bright side, on top of my statement of "if a nursing home with TRAINED STAFF can't handle her, who the heck expects ME" ............. I can now add: "If a nursing home with qualified staff have to SEDATE MIL to curb her behaviour, I'm concerned about her coming home" -- I'm not sure if I can actually SAY that one, but I'll try.
And yes Martha, I'll stop calling myself names .. **Promise**
Big hugs my friends .. I've needed 'em.
(and PS: Cameron and I both have sore throats and yucky noses and arent feeling the best ... Tamea and Alan had this last week ... nice of them to share)
Sally .. you go off on your lovely holiday - a bit early - and enjoy peace. I guarantee that a few days without the double and triple load you have been carrying will clear up the colds ... drinking a lot of liquids will help too.
I am so happy something seems to be working out. Even just until that other patient comes back .. at least it's a temporary solution. You'd better be unavailable when BIL returns or he will think he can persuade you to stay. Don't tell him where you're going and don't call him or pick up the phone ....
Go into hiding!! Go underground! Take on a new identity ..
Love and best of luck ..get well, and come back and tell us your problems have all been solved ...
Whoo hoo! Glad ACAT is on the ball at last! Hope they scare the bejesus out of BIL if he starts an uproar. Where ever you are, you'll know MIL is safe at last.
Add to your list that a sedated MIL cannot be at home alone. Period!
Go, child! Take your tissues, tea, and cozy sick clothes. Take some books to read in case you need to stay inside a day or two. Stop and get some bubbly and/or Scotch! This is a decadent dash for freedom and you should have some treats to nibble on, too! Hope you and Cameron feel better soon.
I'll miss your rollicking humorous take on the chaos du jour at the house, but you do deserve a break and I'll wait!