A mini shopping trip........ - Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

Sandyspen · 02-01-2006, 12:01 PM

Well, this morning Mom was complaining that "she never gets out of the house."

I build up my courage after the excursion at Walmart. Of course when I remind her of that, she doesn't remember it and says she would never do such a thing. So I decide on a smaller store. We need milk anyway.

We get the milk. Mom says, "She can't walk anymore." She's crying again.......

I tell ya, I couldn't believe it! This was no where near the walking we'd done in Walmart. We were very close to the front. I made a quick U-Turn and headed for the check-out before she froze in place as she'd done it Walmart.

When we got into the car, Mom "pooped" her pants. This was the first time for this to happen. She was crying......and embarrassed.....and apalled.

I told her she wasn't alone, we'd get some of those adult diapers. They wouldn't make them if there weren't other people who had occasional accidents. She was finally okay with that.

Now, though, I really feel limited to short drives only. I'm too afraid to try any kind of shopping. Yet, there's that gnawing guilt when she complains that she never gets out.

I guess I just need to know that it's okay to NOT take her shopping, despite her need to do it.

I just can't do it anymore.

Martha H · 02-01-2006, 12:34 PM

My Mom also agreed to wear adult diapers after a few toilet accidents. BUT - she never did. She had 2 packages on her dresser but chose to wear regular underpants instead. I asked and she said sure, Ok, I will - and didn't.

BarbaraH · 02-01-2006, 12:39 PM

Hi Sandy,

I'm sorry there's another problem to deal with but you can congratulate yourself on the smart choice of a small store, your quick reaction, and sparing your mother the embarrassment of pooping in the store. Small victories, but very real!!

Consider
* having your mother wear Depends on any outing.
* renting a wheelchair or a walker with a cushioned seat or only taking your mother to stores with wheelchairs.
* investigate whether local adult day cares are available, acceptable in appearance, and caring. That would be an outing for your mother, simple and pleasant activities, and a staff very practiced in fixing "accidents". You deserve the break, too!

Perhaps your mother's tears in the small store were because she felt the need to poop but didn't know what it was or how to express herself. I hope this isn't the beginning of more problems.

Be sure to take care of yourself in all of this. You're not doing anyone any favors by being stoic, putting yourself last, and soldiering on when your body and heart are breaking. Talk to Sally about how that plan will backfire on you!

(((((((((hugs))))))))) Barbara

angel_bear · 02-01-2006, 02:02 PM

Oh I hear ya !!!!!!!!! LOL

"The best laid plans of mice and men tend to go astray"

Now I don't know if that's a real quote, but it's something my Grandmother used to quote all the time when things went wrong that never used to .......

I think it means: We all have good intentions, but sometimes the God's just won't cooperate

Perhaps you could try the excursion again, but make sure you toilet her before going out. If she refuses, then she has to wear the diaper or she can't go out.

My ex-charge got very frantic one outing (remember, she had no words) absolutely beside herself, to the point of yelling, screaming and punching me ........ and it was only at the last possible second, I realised she needed to pee. I tell ya, I grabbed her hand and we BOLTED to the ladies AND just made it .....

She refused to toilet before going out (had the bladder of an elephant before this disease), but demanded to go out (or would leave of her own accord, that's scarier), so the compromise was to go to the toilet. I do it with my kids, I do it with myself .. and the way we 'worked around' the issues was "I'll just go to the loo before we go, would you like to go to?" ... that worked, sometimes.

Try and not isolate your mother. I know it's easier to keep her at home in controlled circumstances, (I lie, it's never easier, but it's the least confrontational) but she must have social contact .. so if you can, hire a wheelchair, or check the local paper for ones on sale, enquire at the local hospital or a nursing home of 2nd hand suppliers, it will be a worthwhile investment for everybody.

And now .. for you.

Sweetie, I put my charges first ... and EVERYTHING else on the backburner. My kids, my husband, my friends ..... I ended up being more isolated because it go to the stage that I couldn't leave the house without both of them. He was frightened to be left alone with her, and she demanded her social contact. I didn't get a heck of alot of help from other family members (although they now deny I ever asked)

I ended up with permanent heart palpatations, high blood pressure (and raising even WITH 2 diff. med's), panic attacks, depression, crying fits, sleepless'ness and that constant feeling of dread in my chest ......... it was NOT to my benefit, because I burnt myself out within months.

I have learnt some valuable lessons however, but at the cost of my health. My heart will never be the same. I have come close stroke and heart attacks, all created by stress. I also broke my C7 vertebrae and didn't have full use of my arm for almost 6 months .. but I kept on keeping on ...hence the healing didn't happen as well as it should have and I still have residual tingling and pain in my neck/shoulder/arm.

I don't THINK I was trying to be a martyr, but I do like to have control of situations (I'm a control freak ,,,, THERE .. I admit it LOL) and as the situation spun out of my control, I hung on even harder ...

I guess what I'm trying to say is by all means, love and support do wonders, and help and assistance has it's place, but you MUST make time out for YOU. You must call in other sources to give yourself that break. It is NOT going to get any better, but it CAN be more liveable by creating a routine for everybody that works to everyones advantage and not detriment.

Big hugs ......... I am with you in spirit.

Sally

Sandyspen · 02-01-2006, 03:01 PM

I appreciate everyone's input so much.

Mom is good at going to the bathroom before we go anywhere. I don't even have to remind her about that. She said she had no idea that she needed to go. She seemed to be totally surprised by it.

I think the adult diapers would help mom as much as they did your mom, Martha. They would sit on the dresser no matter how often I suggested she use them. She doesn't remember she had an accident, so she doesn't think she needs them.

I tell you, Barb, I'm going to search for an adult day-care. We're a fairly large city, so there must be one. I think mom might enjoy it, too. She does miss her old friends since she moved in here.

Sally, I don't know how you did it so long. I can understand stress causing physical problems. After mom goes to bed at night, I can literally feel the knots in my shoulders relax.

I have 2 brothers, neither one is married, so I know that I won't have help from them since they both have jobs to go to. But they've both agreed that a nursing home is fine with them anytime I feel the need. There's no qualms about that. So that helps.

I think I'm my own worst enemy.