Beating one's head against the wall - Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

angel_bear · 02-03-2006, 08:12 PM

Hi Ladies,

I've been doing some retrospective thinking here ..... bit of internal brainstorming kinda thing y'know ....... arguments and conversations with myself .............. why?

Cause I'm still guilty ........ yeah .. I know ....... No guilt, but that's easier said than done. So I thought I would write things down and see if there is some perspective in things. Why did I find it so hard? What went wrong? Why, why why???

Why did I perservere in trying to make AD MIL see logic?

Because I had known her as 'normal' for ever so long, and believed that in our closeness, I could make her see reason. I really, truly believed that I could break through the AD Fog and reach her. I continually set myself up for disappointment, and therefore I feel failure because I didn't succeed. I had no chance of succeeding, there is no logic with AD, but I still had to do it my way and in doing so, succeeded in creating a living he11 for myself and my family.

Why did I have trouble asking for help?

Because at the start, it wasn't so bad. Things escalated so darn fast I didnt' know what hit us, and kept trying to create 'not so bad'. Each level of horror, I would treat with "it's not so bad, it could be worse" and when worse happened, I would return with 'it's not so bad, it could be worse', until one day I woke up and went hysterical and didn't cope at all. I didn't cope with my kids, my husband, daily living activites, and when I FINALLY asked (screamed) for help, it wasn't forthcoming because then THEY said "it's not so bad, it could be worse" ....... (that's where the brick wall thing comes in)

Why me?

Because I'm the chronic carer. I like to help. I like to make a difference. At the same time, I get walked over and abused by those who judge me. But yet, I still want to care ..... I knew things wouldn't get any better, I KNOW AD will NOT ever reverse itself, but still, I continued to care ........

Guilt

I failed. It's that simple. It took me a long time to register that fact.

BUT

I succeeded! I managed to keep two people I loved dearly at home much longer than they could have without any help. I managed to keep one of them alive for at least an extra year ..... and now one is safe and sound (finally) ....... in my failure, was my success.

Ok .. that's my brow-beating brainstorming session ........more later I daresay

Hugs
Sally

Martha H · 02-03-2006, 08:28 PM

O HO!

That's where all the bruises on my head came from! (just kidding!)

I did exactly the same thing as you . bang, bang, bang, banng!

What are you doing? Just trying to explain to Mom that she DID take $200 to the Senior Center and it never came back.

Bang bang bang bang .. what are you doing? Just explaining to Mom that the pile of ***** on the bathroom floor MUST be hers because no one else here could have done it.

Crash, crash, crash .. what is that noise? Just Martha trying to reason with the unreasonable ... Just explaining once again that she must take the pills for that day only ....

OUCH...The desription fits me to a T.

Gawrsch. Welcome to the club. Are we all nuts, or what???

Putting it a slightly different way: why doesn't the family doctor, the pastor, the friend and neighbor and relative jump in and say X has Dementia - this is what you need to do - and then HELP you to do it???? Why are there no funds for nice comfortable caring nursing homes for people with just a few dollars too many to get Mediciad but nowhere near the money to pay their own way? Why are daughters and DILs expected to sacrifice their own lives and sanity and made to feel bad if they can't do it forever ... not a few months or a few years but FOREVER? Why is it that the AD patient lives to be old and the caregiver dies young?

WOW I am up way too late tonight, gotta get some sleep! I am depressing myself!

Love to all Carers,

Martha

Me 2 · 02-04-2006, 12:07 AM

Hi Ladies,

Can I join the club? I have traveled the same road with both my parents. They have been gone for several years now. I wish I had found this board sooner! I am sorry to say, I still don't have any great wisdom to impart. I still struggle with the should'a, would'a could ofs. Fact is, there is no happy ending in AD land.

We all have learned a lot in our experiences. I had no idea in the beginning what an awful disease this was. Yes, I had heard, seen and read about it but It is one thing to hear about and another thing to live it 24/7. You are physically and mentally exhausted. Who can do their best under these circumstances? I compare it to a boxing match, you keep going down for the count and yet somehow keep getting back in the ring until one day you just collapse.

What would have happened if you were not there in this crisis? Who would have done it? Would they not have been as exhausted and overwhelmed as you were and made similar mistakes? I don't know about you but people were not knocking my door down begging to take over. At least we stepped up to the plate and did our best!

My oh my, I just realized how I have been rambling.

Do you think we could get a group rate from a good shrink? LOL

Hugs to all the care givers out there and NO GUILT

fourt9rkim · 02-04-2006, 06:40 AM

First off...WELCOME, Me 2! Glad to have you here...even though your parents have been gone for a few years, perhaps you can contribute some of your experiences with us who are just beginning down this awful road in the future!

So that's why my head hurts all the time??! I *HAVE* literally banged my head against the wall, or desk in frustration with my mom. And dang it hurts when I do that!

It's so frustrating to try to logically reason with someone with this disease. Once simple explanations now confuse her...like last night....she counted her nitro pills in one of her bottles at least 5 times in the span of 5 minutes, and was starting to get really frustrated at the thought of putting her new script of Nitro in another bottle to go into her purse for 'safe keeping'.

Logic and common sense are quickly going out the window...and it's hard to come to terms with that, and to learn new ways of dealing with this new person.

We all must be ultra strong people!

BarbaraH · 02-04-2006, 08:02 AM

Welcome Me2! My Mom is gone, too, but I come to share what I learned and to show you can survive.

Kim, you're dealing with a tall 3 year old. No logic. No good judgement. No complete comprehension, understanding, or even a frame of reference. Once you see your mother in that light, it's lots easier to adjust your expectations about what she can do for herself. If a 3 year old cannot do it or understand it, you mother cannot either. Sad, but true.

My mother was crying one day and I asked her why. She said that she was afraid that her mother didn't know where she was (her mother died in 1967, but that was beside the point). I hugged Mom and told her that it was okay and that I had told her mother where she was and when she'd be home. My mother stopped crying. My answer was not true, not possible, but it was understandable to a 3 year old.

Hang in there! Hugs - Barbara