Oh my goodness. We just had the worst 3 days ever!
I thought my mom was irritating with the "shadowing," constant repetition and blasting my brother for taking her car. Other than being totally outrageous, I've pretty much grown accustom to what's coming next and how to cope.
BUT.....Saturday morning she woke up, came into the kitchen and said, "My bags are packed and I want you to take me home now."
I swear, I know this sounds ridiculous but she didn't even look like my mother. Her eyes are ordinarily a pale pale blue and she generally has a very childlike, giggly appearance. But this morning, they were almost a steely navy blue and her face just looked hard and mean. I was sort of stunned and taken off-guard.
Usually, it's very easy to say, Mom we'll see, when we get all your meds straightened out and you feel better. And that's the end of it. She'll go away and color or play.
This was a different person and it just caught me unaware. Instead of my "pat answer," I said. "Mom I can't take you right now. I'm making breakfast and you need to be here."
That was the wrong thing to say! She screamed at the top of her lungs. You're taking me home. I can't stand this anymore. If you don't take me home, I'll kill myself.
Then my hubby is awake and he starts trying to "reason" with her. Well, we know how well that works. She's screaming that she never had a sick day in her life, she doesn't need any pills, she's a great driver, we stole her car, now we kidnapped her and if we don't take her home we'll all be very sorry. She's screaming and storming around the house.
This went on all day Saturday. We stopped reasoning, eventually dh saw the futility of that. But she continued to scream and cry and storm around. Bedtime was a relief. Sunday morning, dh told me to get out and go somewhere, shopping or something just to take a break.
When she was screaming, she kept saying she didn't have anything to do here. So while I was shopping I bought her a bead set and a new puzzle with large pieces. Hubby had her rake the yard with him while I was away. She loves being outside and looks forward to sweeping the porch everyday.
When I returned, I tried helping her with the bead set but she could never do that. Wasted toy. She did seem calmer, though her eyes were that darker blue and she kept saying she was going home.
Monday morn, I'm watching her eyes when she wakes.......navy blue. I'm thinking, "Oh no!" She watches Bob Barker, dh comes home early because of work issues and then leaves to go to the bank. She starts screaming again! She points her finger at our back yard and says if we don't move her mobile back there or buy her a travel trailers we will be sorry. She'll do something!
Wholly cow! We haven't mentioned that travel trailer thing in 2 months. How does she remember that?
The same hysterical thing as Saturday and I'm shaking so badly and she's getting personal now. How me and my brothers are no good.....yada yada. Took her car, kidnapped her. I'm just out of it and call my brother. He says we have to find an nh.
DH puts a lock inside my bedroom door because he goes to work so early that I'm still asleep. He wants me locked in until I wake up.
Tuesday morning, I swear, I'm holding my breath when she gets up. Her eyes are a clear clear pale blue.. She's a little girl, sweet as pie. In the afternoon she's talking about her old friends and how nice it was living alone. I say, well dh and I reconsidered and if she really wants a travel trailer that badly, we'll get one.
She looked at me like I was crazy! "In the back yard! I don't want to live back there! I would be alone. I want to live with you!"
Now, I'm thinking I must be crazy!
I don't know how on earth she even remembered the travel tailer. And, I don't think she'd use it. 5 days out of 7 she's the little girl.
My question is, do they reach a point where they are this other raving person all the time? I tell ya, I would have no problems with a nh if that was the case. I was afraid.
But when she's this sweet little girl, who knows me (maybe doesn't know that I'm her daughter but knows me) it's just so hard to even think of a nh.
My head is just spinning. What does the nh do when they become that "other person?" This is just the saddest darn thing. I'm just so torn up over it.
I doubt if my brothers would even have believed me if R hadn't heard her screaming in the background.
I just don't know. I know the nh is coming soon, but these screaming, changing personality things, how often does that happen?
When I was teaching I used to see a (real or imagined) connection between the full moon and children' s erratic behavior, which always seemed worst during full moon times.
I can't explain the strange eyes. Perhaps anger enlarges the pupils making the eye seem darker? Or is it remotely possible that Mom took too much or not enough of some medication? Is she on any prescription drugs, and does she dose herself?
Outside of that I can only say Nursing Homes know how to handle hysterical outbursts, and we don't. I never heard of one lasting for days. You were amazing to keep calm and put up with it outwardly.
I think it is time to investigate nursing homes in your area. Good luck with it. Remember that she will wind up there anyway, and it is easier if she adjusts to it now. Where my Mom is, the resident (not called patient) can decorate the room as they wish. Mom (thanks to my brother) has colorful pictures, family portraits etc on the walls, and a large number of throw pillows on her bed which were all needlepointed by my sister. She has her own TV and radio and telephone (nothing was in the room the day she moved in, and she spent one sad night in a bare room!)
Her latest enjoyment is feeding the birds. After the huge snowfall recently, the birds were not finding their natural food. Bill and Mom went outside and fed them breadcrumbs. Now 50 birds come every day, often before Mom and Bill arrive. Mom even remembers to save some of her lunch bread to feed them.
I have heard that having a responsibility, even for a plant or a pet, (under supervision, of course, they would probably forget to water/feed them) is good for an AD victim.
A NH in your area where you could visit her frequently is THE answer. It is shocking to have to lock yourself in your bedroom to feel safe. I remember removing all sharp knives or scissors from Mom's reach at a time when she used to sneak around the apartment at night, shining a flashlight in my face (recently saw this on TV as a kind of 'torture' used on prisoners!!!!) and began to think she might see me as an intruder and hurt me.
NO way to live. No no no! Get her to safety and care, the sooner the better.
I cannot tell how often the little girl will be replaced by the violent banshee. No one knows, each case is different.
God bless you --- you handled it well. You got through it.
(Meanwhile I figured out where all my sudden tooth decay originated. I was so tense while living with Mom that I acquired acid reflux. This acid came up in the night and ate away at my teeth. Then I started using Tums all night, and that sugar ate away even more...)
Martha,
I think that's what surprised me. She never remembers anything I say. How can she remember to be mad for 3 days! I just don't get it.
When we first brought her here, though, I can remember her asking to go home (not the banshee) and even when I changed the subject she would cry for hours. DH would say how does she remember to be upset. Other times, you could change the subject and it was all forgotten.
When I was a little girl, that was her way of coping with children. She would ignore me. Sometimes for days. Just pretend I wasn't around. She does the same thing now when angered. If she asks for her car, and I explain the whole situation, I've seen her sit for an entire day and pretend I didn't exist; refuse to answer or even look at me. That's tough to handle because it takes me back to my childhood. Yet, at least now, I have an excuse for why she does it. Back then, I didn't.
I just don't understand how in the world she can remember to stay mad. That baffles my dh also.
Oh, I can sure see how the acid reflux would happen and affect your teeth. I think the stress hurts us in more ways than we even know.
You might be right about the eyes. I hadn't thought of that. It makes sense though that it probably is the pupils enlarging. It's the first thing I check when she enters a room, her eyes, and whether they are dark or light.
It's just so sad. You wish they understood enough to know that if the sweet little girl stayed around, I could handle it and she'd have a home here. But.....the screaming and accusing and put-downs, I just can't handle.
I know just what you mean, too. My little mother would get a frown on her face and her eyes would be steely. It would be a difficult day.
The time has come to choose a ALF or NH, get your Mom's name on the list or just move her in if a place is available. There will be no good time or better time. Since your mother already cannot choose what to do for herself, she might do better in a NH or Alzheimer's facility. I first moved my mother into an ALF which was nice, but there were no activities aimed at the mentally impaired. She might have been better served in a facility that was attuned to the AD patient and had simple, pleasant activities planned. The ALF also was not secure and residents could come and go as they pleased - not good for an AD patient. I had to move Mom out 7 months later when she wandered out the front door at night.
If you do move your mother into an AD facility or NH, don't go to see her for a week. That was the wise policy at the NH where I moved Mom after the wandering episode. When we could visit, my Mom was happily adjusted. She was happy to see us, too, even though she didn't know us.
Start your investigation of places today or call the place you've chosen.
Since your mother lived in a mobile home, does she have furniture of her own? I wondered since so much of the furniture is built into many mobile homes. She may need her own furniture at some facilities and won't need much or any at others. Buy a laundry marker. All of her clothes will have to be labeled. Don't send anything delicate or pretty as the facility washers use a lot of bleach! You may have the choice of bringing her laundry to your house to wash. Don't send anything valuable. I bought 2 $10 rings for Mom and said I'd clean her real rings. After a few minutes, I gave her the cheap fakes in return. They were soon lost and I was glad the lost rings weren't the beautiful family rings. I left a colorful bead necklace with Mom and she wore it every day. When it was lost, it was no problem, I just bought another. Plan of things being lost, borrowed by someone else, or laundry misdelivered. It all evens out and your mother won't care less.
The situation at home will only get worse as long as your mother is there. You'll never know when or how intense the next episode will be. It's a regret that your mother cannot stay at your home. You tried and it worked for a while. You did well. When you first came here, we said the time would come when you could carry on no longer because it was too much, too dangerous, too exhausting, too frightening, or too upsetting. Perhaps that time has come. Sad, but true.
It's all about keeping your mother safe, warm, well fed, and not necessarily happy. She'll forget and be happy again.
I'm printing this post. I would never have thought of her jewelry. That's such a good idea. And marking her things.
She does have all her own furniture, so we could pick and choose what to keep and move with her.
She did so well yesterday, I thought the worst was over. But she has started it again this morning. Now, I'm trying subject-changing and other activities. Hope it works!
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