First, my heart goes out to each of you dealing with a loved one with AD. We all know how horrible it is. The problem I am having is my Aunt. I used to work with her years ago, and have kept in touch, so I know her well. A few short years ago I started noticing something was wrong with her. It was her memory. And she was ordering off of QVC left and right. As time went on it got worse. On top of that, her only grandchild married and moved out of the country and her only child moved 3 hours away. Her sister and brother-in-law are in bad health and can't help her. She lives alone in her house and still drives and just turned 82. A couple of years ago she was out shopping and fell. It hurt her arm and leg. She ended up going to a Rehab hospital but wouldn't cooperate there so they transferred her to a Nursing Home rehab unit. She stayed there awhile until her son got her moved into a Senior Apt. complex on a temporary basis. She really loved it there, but was mad at him for moving her. She thought she should be home. Then he took over her finances (as she was messing everything up). That really set her off. She was hateful and mean to son and daughter-in-law. She was bound and determined to get out of there and go home. Finally she did just that. Her son undid her battery on her old car and hoped that would do the trick. NOT! She just called her handy man and he came and fixed it. Well, she is still driving, as I said. She is a danger to society! My Mom and I take her out to lunch every now and then and the other day we took her out for her birthday. She would ask us a question and then 5 minutes later would ask the same question. We took her to a Chinese buffet and she acted like she didn't know what to do until she sat and watched others. It is so sad. My problem is this : Her son took her to see his new home 3 hours away (finally) a couple of months ago and said that she drove him crazy! I have asked him, told him, etc regarding her problems and he says he just can't deal with her as she gets mean and argumentive toward him, so he says, let her be then. This is not right. There she sits in that big ole house, all alone, still driving that ancient car and is a danger to herself and others. What can I do? Her son has the POA and yet won't lift a finger to take action. Out of sight, out of mind?? My hands are tied. Here's my question: should I call him up and let him have a piece of my mind regarding this horrible situation, or just let it go ? HELP. Oh, also, she has been to the doctor and they think she has AD. I know she does. Thanks for your thoughts about this. It breaks my heart. Cindy
That is so sad for your Aunt. Had she stayed in the nursing home, she probably would have gotten use to it. Allowing her to fend for herself is dangerous for her and others, especially if she is still driving.
Her son may not be aware of it but leaving an AD patient alone, to fend for themself, is against the law. At least it is here, in AZ and CA. It's called Elder Abuse.
Before my mom was diagnosed, she had a great-grandson living with her. This kid was 17 years old. He stole more than $27,000 from her in a 2 month period. When my brother and I stepped in and called the police, they gave us a list of items that are considered elder abuse for AD patients.
#1 Leaving them alone to fend for themselves!
Her son can actually have charges filed against him. The officer told us that in our state, elder abuse comes with more charges than child abuse.
If someone reports him, they can assign a conservator, put her in a nursing home, and all of her money will go for her care.
Plus, he could still face criminal charges. Maybe you could let him know that....in a kind way.
That is exactly what I was going to write when I read your letter.
Her son is responsible. She gave him the rights and also the responsibilities when she signed the POA.
You don't need to call and get upset and yell at him or get emotional over it. If you can keep calm, tell him in a short phonecall that is is elder abuse to ignore his mother's needs, and it is necessary that he get her into a nursing home before she kills someone out driving, and HE will be responsible.
If a call is too emotionally charged, tell him the same thing in a letter.
Do you know her physician? He or she might be the one to give the son a call, a real wake up call.
Good luck with it. Don't just ignore it, for your Aunt's sake!
Actually, I think telling her physician is an EXCELLENT idea! I never thought of that one. You wouldn't be the bad guy then. And her son would be forced to do what's right or give the responsibility to someone else. Or go to jail.
I believe every state in the US has laws against elder abuse.
Another idea is to speak with an attorney to see what options there are. It couldn't hurt.
Thank you all , all good ideas and thoughts. When we took her to lunch she said "My son said if I ever got sick he would take care of me" I thought, Yea, right! I have phoned him several times and always with the same results. He will say, well, we've tried to help her and she won't let us, or she gets mad at us and there's nothing we can do but let her alone, she won't listen, or It just causes an argument. He doesn't realize that he has to step up and be the adult and look on her as the child now. He's always been spoiled as an only child , with his Dad dying when he was only 5. But guys, last night I got to thinking, what if she is out driving and hurts or kills (God forbid) one of MY family members? I don't trust her out for one second. Not one! She is really getting bad. Sometimes when I call her I think, now she is really sounding good, talking about the past and having an intelligent conversation here, and then she will ask me an off the wall question or ask something she just asked. It's so weird, this disease. When we take her out we can always count on her wearing the same thing - a red sweater and black pants and boots. No matter what the temp is outside. I've read this is what they do. I wonder about what she is eating. She drives to the store (it's not too far from home, but has to get on a very busy street) and drives to the beauty shop. As far as I know, that is it. I know for sure if she ventured out further she would get lost. When we take her to lunch she hasn't a clue as to where we are and she's lived her for years and years. That part of her memory is gone. And her old car is not road safe anyway. Well, I may call him today (if he is not off golfing somewhere or vacationing). Isn't that the pits!! Arggg, it makes me so mad when I think of it. Does he not care or has he just hardened his heart or what? He was always so nice and kind before. What gives? Well, thanks for your thoughts, sorry to ramble. It's so sad. Every time I mention to her that she should move and get out from under that house she says "well, I'm saving it for my son" . He doesn't even want the house ! There is no reasoning with her so that's why I think he should come in and take charge and Tell HER what is going to happen. She will get used to it and will be so much better off the and world will be a safer place, that's for sure! Thanks guys.
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