Whenever there is a crisis involving Mom, I can always count on my brother to think of some helpful solution, and on my sister to annoy me with impossible suggestions. It is the same again.
She finally picked up email about the new problem with Mom's IRS statement, and writes email to me and to Bill.
She says that it is OK if Medicaid does not accept Mom. She says people in all previous generations have always taken care of old people by themselves, with no nursing homes (she forgets that people lived in extended families in the same village, and someone was always home, the mother, a few unmarried aunts, etc, to share this care, and that people did not live to be 97!)
She says we will each take care of Mom for 4 months of the year. Simple. No problem.
Yet .. when Mom was well, walking around, in her right mind and good company, E invited her to stay with them for 1 or 2 weeks a year!
And last year about this time, when Mom was already stage 4 dementia, E had Mom there for 3 weeks and pretended there was nothing wrong with her (but Mom said she had to wear Depends while there!) and E's husband said they put earphones on Mom so she could listen to music and shut up. ...
And they made very sure they didn't tell me 'Mom is fine and scintillating company" until Mom was on the plane coming home. Not once since then was she invited again ... yes, she was supposed to go in October, but then fall and broke her hip.
So now suddenly we can all take her for 4 months at a time? Maybe she means 'let's you and Bill take her in for 4 months each', and then she will expect Mom's life to be over before it's her turn. Or will she come up with last Fall's excuse "I have osteoporosis and stairs, Bill has stairs, so the only one who can really take her in is MARTHA out there in a one story apartment in Indiana ..."
AAARRRGHGHGHGH!!
I shot off an answer - no no no no no. I will not take Mom back to live with me, not ever. She must be in a NH no matter what. Bill already said he would mortgage his house to keep her there, I said I'd sell my car and use up any savings I might have, but Mom has to stay there!
In 4 or 5 days she might bother to read this email and might even answer ...
Meanwhile I feel better already seeing you, my friends, rolling your eyes!!
It's just that it's all talk with her. No action. She promised Bill she would take over the whole legal matter, phonecalls etc and did nothing. NOT a thing.
And out of the blue she says it's OK if Mom can't stay there - we will take care of her at home. Wheelchair bound, incontinent, Alzheimers stage 5 to 6, and we will somehow manage, all of us 60 to 68 years old ourselves with the usual aches and pains .... and I am committed to baby sitting for my granchildren 1 or 2 days a week and one whole night a week .... how do I do that? leave Mom here in bed alone?
And Mom is happy there - entertained, fed, washed, changed, given her meds, tucked in at night, monitored by doctors and nurses.
I surprised myself in the vehemence of my answer. Not, 'oh no, I hope not!' But 'NO WAY!'
love,
Martha
discouraging news 
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