My Mom was & is a great lady - very strong personality. She has dementia. Refuses to see a doctor, and when we have gotten her to one she won't take any medicine. She has become bossy and very difficult. Sleeps very little - keeps my dad up all night while she wonders around in the house and yard. She is very controlling - won't let my dad talk on the phone to us (their kids) or leave the house without her. She completely controlls every move he makes.
Has made it impossible for my dad to pay bills because she hides her ss check and retirement checks, which has put him in a financial bind. Thinks everyone is out to get her money and refuses to pay any bills. Of course we don't want to hurt her, but the living conditions for my dad have become unbareable. She thinks there is nothing wrong with her and says she if healthy and her mind is good though she can't remember when she eats or what she does and at times hasn't known me. She would be crushed if we said there was a problem.
Support groups have said to force her to get help... sounds good but how. She is a great faker... still beautiful and personable for 83 (looks youthful) and is able to fake a conversation with the doctors though what she says is either from 30 or more years ago or completely made up.
What can we do? I don't want to hurt my mom and crush her spirit but my dad is on the verge of having a heart attack.
You could have her SS and other checks direct deposited to the bank. She wolud have to sign to get that done, but maybe that can be accomplished using some ruse. (you will find that AD patients have to be conned, often!)
Then you start taking notes and recording her behavior. Write it all down. In a couple of weeks YOU go to her doctor and discuss it with him/her. Doctors know that AD patients put on their best behavior in front of them,, especially if they have any training in geriatrics. Then get her to go with you (ask her if she would please go to the doctor with you because YOU need an exam and feel uneasy going alone.)
If it is early enough, there may me medicines she can take that slow down the progress of the disease. Even at later stages, she can get something to calm her down, stop the night wandering, etc.
As time goes on you will have to investigate nursing homes.
It is a sad and horrible story - this is the hardest thing my family ever had to contend with and has drained us emotionally and financially - but I would not have survived without this Group. Welcome, and let us know how it works out.
Martha is so right, try any way you can to have her checks auto-deposited to their account. We were fortunate that all mom's checks were already set up that way. And, about making an appt with the doctor for youself. I spoke with mom's doctor alone and told him of our concerns. Then when I took her in for a check-up, he simply asked a few questions.
She didn't remember past surgeries or any of her own health history. Didn't know date, place, time, etc. A small mmse test confirmed it.
Your dad definitely needs some help. I've had my mom with me for months and it is an almost intolerable situation. So stressful! My mom is a lot like yours, a very sweet lady but always controlling. And that seems to escalate with the disease. Though she's in a home now, she calls and cries with every visit, wanting her bank statements and checkbook. It's like an obsession now.
I'm glad you found us and keep coming back. We certainly understand what your family is going through. Good luck with finding some assistance from her doctor for you and your father.
Oh, Sandy that reminds me! When I was still living with Mom and taking care of all the checking and bank balances, she expressed concern that her check book was missing. I put an old check register in the place where that used to be kept, along with a few unused checks from an older closed account. She looked at the checks and the register often, paging throuh it and seeing the entries in her own handwriting and feeling happy that her finances were under her control. As for cash, I put 11 or 13 singles in her wallet every day. That was after she had an HHA to accompany her to the Senior Center, Mom needed to feel she had money on her. Besides the quarters for the bus ride, she had 'money' so if she wanted to, she could go across the street from the ceter for a danish and coffee. This was very important to her. (I only started doling out her ration of money after $250 disappeared )
However, even when there was money in her wallet, she often couldn't find it. Often she told me 'I feel like a pauper out there with not a penny on me." Then I said let's look in your wallet, and sure enough, there was a stack of bills. Maybe Mom never did look for it, it was just a feeling she had .. having lost control of her finances.
I think that is something the family MUST do - get POA and manage her financial affairs behind her back, giving her 'something' to make her think she still does it.
Lucky for me Mom was already legally blind, and could only examine the checkbooks and bills with a magnifying glass. She also forgot there was a mailbox at the bottom of the stairs, and never picked up our mail any more for the last 6 months or so. Before that, she had thrown out important mail and kept junk.
We keep on trying, keep on learning, and do our best. That's all anyone can expect from us.
My Mom was also a beautiful, younger looking, dynamic, intelligent lady. She led the seniors exercise group 5 days a week from age 70 until 95. She swam 3x a week summer and winter. Admired by all, a positive thinker, the matriarch of a large family, and my life long role model. To see how she has 'sunk' now is physically painful.
She keeps telling them that the people who kidnapped her also stole her purse. I fixed up a "fake purse," with lots of goodies and told her she left it at my house. She can't figure that out because she doesn't remember being at my house. Then she's angry because I must have keys to her home and went to her house.
I did put a couple $5's and some one's in her little coin purse. But, yes, she does the same thing. Says she's lost without any money. I show it to her, then 5 minutes later, the same thing again.
After I visited for 2 hours yesterday, she called me. I had taken her crochet bag and her coloring books because she says she's bored. She wanted to know how I could have been so cruel to just bring her things and drop them off and not even say "hello."
It's like a merry-go-round. She would say she was bored, I'd show her the yarn tote. She would be thrilled. Then she would remove all the yarn from the tote, put it in a drawer. Then say she was bored. I opened the drawer to show her, she's thrilled again. I told her to leave it in the tote bag on the floor and she'd remember that she could crochet. Great idea, she'd say.
Then she'd put it all back in the drawer and say she was bored! I was never able to have her leave the tote bag and yarn on the floor. We went through this routine at least 4 times. It's like anything you tell her is instantly gone!
All that I brought her was put away in the drawers and instantly forgotten. Yarn, purse, money, coloring book. And she's bored!
She seems so much worse in just 2 short weeks. We use to have partial conversations, but now you just go in circles when you talk to her. She shoots questions like bullets and doesn't hear anything you say. Who kidnapped me, they stole my purse, where's my bank statements, when can I go home, I'm going to kill myself. If you answer anything..........it just starts the process all over again.
I hope today is better since the doctor finally phoned some different medication.
It's so disturbing because you know she has to be in mental anguish.
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