My sister once again wrote to me about her phone conversations with Mom. E has been denying that Mom has dementia ever since it was diagnosed in the Fall of 04, and after she had been steadily deteriorating for 2 years already.
Today E thinks Mom gave her wise advice. E's husband had surgery, and she herself has a swollen knee, so she is of course really worried and upset about both of their problems : but, she insists that on the phone Mom understood all about her problems, gave her excellent advice, etc.
Oh how I wish it were really so. When I talk to Mom, she sometimes sounds normal but only if you are talking about simple things. How is the weather, have you eaten. I might mention my grandchildren and hear Mom say "who?"
But E always tries to convince me that Mom doesn't have dementia, never did, and all the symptoms we saw when I lived with her were more or less my fault: Mom wasn't getting enough water to drink, Mom was overstimulated by TV, or Mom was understimulated by not having anything intellectual to do, or I forgot her vitamins, or I misdosed her medicines, or just basically was not the right caregiver to bring out Mom's best side.
Now I've been here for 9 months. I visited Mom once and she hardly knew me. On the phone she may or may not know who I am. Bill sees her almost daily and always sends out a calming report, she is fine, no more cough, eating well, trying to walk a few steps with the walker, etc. But no claims of having an intellect. No claims that she is mentally fit.
Only from E who last saw her in late October, do I hear these reports. I feel sorry for her that she is in pain and her husband recovering from cancer surgery - but I also feel hurt by every insinuation that I have exaggerated Mom's deficits, and look on her as demented, when in reality she is as sharp as a tack. I also don't know how to answer such emails. It doesn't pay to argue. I just say hope you and J continue to get well.
I guess in a disease as awful as Alzheimer's, denial is a natural protection for those who cannot stand it, knowing or admitting the truth is just too painful.
Oh Martha, how I hear you!!! With my FIL, when I told his Sis of his dementia, it was always "Too much Coffee" or "I need to take him for a second opinion". I guess some folks just have to hide their heads in the sand, although I haven't a clue why. It's selfish, I think. Because there always seems to be one or two left to pick up the pieces, left to do all the thinking, left to feel the hurt and pain of this, while the others, with their heads buried in the sand, go merrily along and live their lives as if nothing could possibly be wrong , and then they play the blame game. I say "walk a mile in my shoes, be the caregiver for a week or two and then we'll talk." Martha, I'm sorry this is happening - it's not uncommon. I doubt if you could change her mind - the only thing that would do it is for her to spend a lot of time with your Mom, but who knows. I just can't be that type of person, I have to see things clearly for what they really are so as to make the right decisions (hopefully). A storm is brewing here, gotta run! C
I think you're exactly right. If they can't handle the fact of AD, they deny it. And for that denial to work, they have to reject any information the caregiver gives them.
My brother hasn't said as much outright to me, but I hear it in his tone, his dumb suggestions, and slight attempts to suggest that I might be exaggerating.
Unless you've lived with them, cared for them, and been there 24/7......you just don't get it.
They will ask my mom, "Don't you remember so and so happened," she says, "Oh yes, I remember that." And they have a look of glee. "See! She remembers!"
I guess it's a combination of the AD's ability to fake it and the non-caregiver's desire to 'hope it isn't so.'
In the end, I guess we have to accept that we did the best we could. And, probably, if we lived with them, we were the only ones to know how bad it really was.
Just try to ignore the people/family members who are in denial! That is their problem and you guys know that we all know our Alzheimers "bundles" really do have dementia, and all the other problems that comes along with this illness!!!
In my case, it is my mom, who is the main caregiver (but, also has ad slightly) who is in denial!!! She thinks that he gets better and then will stay the same. She just does not believe, me, my sister, my dads drs. and what she sees and hears from dad!
Again, in Moo's case, it's probably a combination of wishing that Mom was fine and fear that if Mom has it, I could get it too. Between all of us and you, we know that Moo is determined to play dumb. Fine. This is beyond simple denial and high hopes. It plain flies in the face of fact, medical reports, and all of the evidence. Don't you juat want to shake Moo and ask her where her brain went?!
It would be nice if you could sincerely tell her you miss her and the wonderful friendship you used to share. Sadly, she wouldn't hear that either.
You have done well. You mother was able to stay home and safe thanks to you. You lasted as long as you could and now you've turned the baton over to your dear brother who has had to turn it over to medical staff. That's what is needed now. That's what is best for your mother.
Cheers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You're soon off on a trip and you just let yourself be happy about that and blow off Moo. In fact, don't look at Moo's emails until you return home. Promise!! Ask Bill to let you know if anything that matters happens with her.
Hold your head up and be proud of yourself!!
((((((((((((((((((((squeezy hugs))))))))))))))))))))))) Barbara
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