It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 05-02-2006, 10:04 PM   #1
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,439
WannaBeFreeToRoam HB UserWannaBeFreeToRoam HB UserWannaBeFreeToRoam HB User
Question I need some help and advice and stories, please!

Hi everyone,

It seems like I take and take and do not give too much. Sorry, but I promise to help, those that I can. It just seems that my mom and dad are not that far along yet. So, there are others that help can most everyone else better.

Here is a sort of a question or worry: I have noticed before, but today, it seemed to be talked about a little more or showed up more. My mom seems to think that my dad can and should do more than he does. For instance: today, he asked her to put his socks on for him. She told him to put them on himself. Which he eventually did - just took a long time. When she came in the other room with me, I told her that eventually he would not be able to put on his own socks and she would have to do it or hire someone who would. Well, she did not like that too much, but said nothing...

My mom has early dementia and uncontrolled diabetes. She was prescribed Aricept by her dr., but took it 2 mo. and quit. She still drives and cooks and does most things, just a bad memory and a bad housekeeper! Together they are still living together. I would say that my mom is a 2 or 3 stage.

My dad is much further along. We recently learned that he went to the doctor about 10 years ago (neurologist) and had tests, because he was worried about his memory and lack of number handling. They did not tell us this, I saw it on some old papers I was cleaning out for them!

I guess my dad is about a 7 stage. Plus he has parkinsons. He still takes Aricept, but it does not help him anymore. He does not drive, but still has his license and keys (unless he has lost them recently, again). He uses a cane or a 4 wheel walker/w/seat.

My mom does help him a lot. Like buttoning and zipping and hooking and such. Also, she sometimes cuts up his meat. And I do the bills, taxes and pills. But, my mom does not remind him to take his pills, so sometimes he does not.

Ok - I could go on and on, about what she does and does not do to help him. And sure, she does get burn out, but she will not let us get any help yet. I have checked out living places for my dad or both of them. Especially the kind that have all 3 levels. So, they could live on the same property.

So, this is where I need help. How can I get my mom to help my dad more. Or do yall think he should keep trying to do for himself as long as he can? And is there anything that my sister and I could do to help my mom to see that they will need to move soon???

Advice? Stories? Help? Anything?????

Thanks, for listening, if you have read this far.

Take care.

Love, Wannabe

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 05-03-2006, 01:17 AM   #2
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,518
angel_bear HB Userangel_bear HB Userangel_bear HB Userangel_bear HB Userangel_bear HB Userangel_bear HB Userangel_bear HB Userangel_bear HB Userangel_bear HB User
Re: I need some help and advice and stories, please!

Ahh Wannabe ........

I am a great believer in letting them do as much for themselves as possible for as long as they possibly can. So what if it takes him an hour to put his socks on. He did it! By HIMSELF !!!

Don't forget honey, he KNOWS his life isn't right, and its scary to lose control .. especially if he's cognitive enough to know he's forgetting .. he knows he's losing his life bit by bit, and until the later stages will know enough that things are 'wrong' if nothing else.

Mum won't help .. that doesn't surprise me .. it's still part of her denial. I mean, for heavens sake, ANYBODY can put their sock on !! Has she experienced anybody NOT being able to put their socks on? With her level of dementia, could the experience of 'sock problems' be beyond her? He put his socks on last week .. he put his socks on yesterday, of course he can do it today ............. see the dilemma?

That little adage, pride cometh before a fall is so TRUE with our elder folks .... I know of one lady, who has SEVERE dementia ... words are hard, walking is virtually impossible ... (no . .not my ex-charge) but when she is dressed by her carers, takes great offence at having her shoes put .. they are HER shoes (reiterated with a defiant and strong word control of THAT'S MINE...) She knows their her shoes, she knows they go on her feet, but SHE wants to do it .. the fact that if she is handed them she has NO IDEA what to do with them is irrelevant, she wants to do it herself ... yeah .. it turns into a little battle most times .. it shouldn't be such a big deal, but it is.

That's your Mum I think LOL

Big hugs Wannabe .... it's getting harder and my heart is with you.

Sally

 
Old 05-03-2006, 05:52 AM   #3
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: West Coast
Posts: 425
Sandyspen HB UserSandyspen HB User
Re: I need some help and advice and stories, please!

Hi Wannabe,

Oh, I'm sorry that you're in this spot. Sometimes it's just so hard to know what to do, and what Not to do. Never easy.

I agree with Sally. The longer they can do for themselves, the better. It's almost like a child, it takes forever for them to complete a task......but they're so proud when they do it.

What jumped out at me from your post was the same thing I did so many times when I came here. "How can I make her. How can we convince her. How can we make her see."

YOU CAN'T! You'll never have her permission to hire extra help, to move them to a facility to take care of both of them, to stop driving, to hire a house cleaner.......and on and on.

I use to come here constantly and say those same words, "How can I make her..........."

You reach a point when you know it's time, and you do it. You'll never have her permission. At a point, you're the parent, they're the children.

It's a harsh reality and very hard to do but you'll know when that time has come. And you just do it, with or without their permission.

Take care.
__________________
Sandy

 
Old 05-03-2006, 06:45 AM   #4
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Martha H's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Middlebury, IN
Posts: 4,695
Martha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB User
Re: I need some help and advice and stories, please!

Dear Wannabe,

That was my problem too! I felt as if I were banging my head against the wall. If only I could explain things to Mom so that she would understand .. how can I get her to see ... how can I persuade her that this is best ...

It is hopeless. The more you try to persuade, the worse it gets. The AD sufferer resents you for 'bugging' them all the time. It didn't dawn on me that much of my sister's annoyance at me was not because I had a different view of what was wrong with Mom (although we did and still do differ on that) but Mom's stories about how I bugged her, controlled her, restricted her freedom, made her life a misery. My own perception was that I was the ONLY one who really loved her enough to try to help her, to change her, to explain things to her, to get her to see the light. A thankless task, believe me. It took ages for me to wake up, probably after Bill had taken over her care. It was all useless. And luckily Mom doesn't remember me as the nagging annoying daughter, but just a friendly voice that calls her from time to time and talks about the weather and the flowers.

There is no way, that is the answer. The way to 'make her understand' does not exist. YOU have to decide and carry out all the changes, with the help of your siblings but no help at all from mom or dad. That's the sad truth!

love,

Martha

 
Old 05-03-2006, 04:11 PM   #5
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Virginia, USA
Posts: 2,354
BarbaraH HB UserBarbaraH HB UserBarbaraH HB UserBarbaraH HB User
Re: I need some help and advice and stories, please!

Hi -

Too tired to write much as have been at Mom's home finally getting down to business clearing it for sale and it's been exhausting. I've found family photos from over 100 years ago and have no idea who these people in the pictures are and no one is left to ask. ASK now who it is in the unlabeled pictures in the drawers and photo albums at your homes and at your parent's homes!!

About those socks. Are you sure your father is at stage 7??? That's end stage and the disabilities are all but immobilizing at that stage. Stage aside, perhaps he really has difficulty this week doing his socks. He has Parkinson's, too, so that makes manual dexterity difficult. Dementia and Parkinson's may mean he really needs help. Long effort is just exhausting. This is one way that AD patients differ from children in my observation: they don't get much sense of accomplishment in a task that has been done. That's so be considered.

The fact that your mother is headed down this slippery slope means she may not be able to be compassionate, sympathetic, or very helpful. It may take all she's got to keep her act together.

As for them living alone, maybe it was easier for me because my widowed mother was in her mid-80s, but I just told her that she couldn't live alone any more - there was scary stuff in her refrigerator, she'd had 3 car accidents in 18 months, she couldn't do math anymore, and had mixed up day and night. She cried, I cried. I told her she'd done wonderfully well and tried her best, but that the time had come to move where she'd have help quickly if she needed it. I gave her a choice of 2 ALF places nearby, we looked at both, and she chose the one where some friends lived.

Good luck!! Scope out some places that are convenient to you or your sister and give them 2 choices. Registar and exercise that DPOA.

((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))) )) Barbara

 
Old 05-03-2006, 06:00 PM   #6
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: USA
Posts: 3,450
LuvMyLilDoggie HB UserLuvMyLilDoggie HB UserLuvMyLilDoggie HB UserLuvMyLilDoggie HB User
Re: I need some help and advice and stories, please!

Oh Wannabe, I feel like the one who hasn't much to offer here.

The thing I was thinking when I read your post is I wonder how much mom's dementia plays into the denial thing. It must be depressing for her to watch your dad get worse and knowing that she will be like that someday.

She wants to take care of your dad as long as possible. But to be honest, I'm afraid that may become too taxing on her health. I feel for you. You really are stuck between a rock and a hard place. I can't begin to imagine what it's like to deal with both parents having this awful disease. It's hard enough with one person.

I wish I could be of more help but if it helps, I'll send love and hugs!

Love, Barb
__________________
Live, Love, Laugh.

 
Old 05-03-2006, 10:34 PM   #7
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,439
WannaBeFreeToRoam HB UserWannaBeFreeToRoam HB UserWannaBeFreeToRoam HB User
Re: I need some help and advice and stories, please!

Hi Everyone,

Thanks so much for all the help and straight forward advice!!! You know me and that is how I need to be told, as to remember what's up - better!!! :>

First of all, you are correct. I have the Stages incorrect on both of my parents. My mom is a 3 - 4 stage (mainly 3). My dad is a 5 - 6 stage. I would say, that he is one one week and the other another week. It is weird. He is in a good place, at the moment. I just sort of gets you! The good/better week, he is talking about something that needs done, that you never thought about at all...

My mom is in denial. I believe that she is coming out of it a little. But, I also think that she does not believe that she will be as bad as my dad is, ever. She and I both talk, when my dad is not around about what he can and cannot do and what might happen in the future. Both to him (as in where he might have to go someday) and physically to him.

Here are a few more questions: Do most all Alzheimers patients sleep 2/3 to 3/4 of the day??? And should my mom be letting him sleep til 9, 10, 11 - mostly 10 or 11 am??? When I come, he wakes up about 8 am. I must say, that one of the reasons that she lets him sleep late, is so that she can run to the stores (grocery and dollar) that are close by. So, it is sort of for her - mentally.

Yes, my mom is of the old school - that the family should take care of the older people. But, she also knows, that I will not move in with them. We have a dog, 2 farms (small) and a house, garage and barn, 1 hour away!!! We are running up quite a gas bill here. They give me about $20. month for gas, which is about 2 runs, back and forth. But, every little bit helps. Plus they sometimes take me to lunch (I drive them and they pay, plus it is entertainment for them).

My dad is also of the old school. The wife, does most everything for the husband. She does rebel about that somewhat. She makes him go eat at least every other day, for 1 meal - usually fast, cheap food. Even before my dad got older and sicker, he would say: bring me a pen, where is the portable phone and so on...

So, sometimes they drive me crazy with their bickering/argueing. I say to them - wait til I leave and then you can argue!!! :> They just laugh!

Also, the money/financial problems are getting worse. Like mislaid bills and misfiled papers and things thrown away, that should not have been. At least this year, the check register, did not disapper, before tax time!!! :>

I do say to my mom, every now and then (cause she is bad with numbers and money also): We could always have you bills sent to a P.O. Box. Then she will say, But, we would just have to go and pick them up there!!! :>

Now is the time, to take deep breaths and talk to myself. And quit trying to give so much advice to them. My mom does not appreciate it (I am trying to run her life). And my dad does not understand or remember!

I will be so glad, once my sister gets all moved into her new house and settled in her new job!!! Then, maybe she can give me some more help.

Let me know if yall have anymore advice and such on these types of matters. I certainly can use them!!!!! :> Thanks again.

Love, Wannabe

 
Old 05-04-2006, 08:06 AM   #8
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: USA
Posts: 3,450
LuvMyLilDoggie HB UserLuvMyLilDoggie HB UserLuvMyLilDoggie HB UserLuvMyLilDoggie HB User
Re: I need some help and advice and stories, please!

I may be of a little help after all!

When you mentioned misplaced bills and such, it made me think of something I did for my dad to help him with that before I moved in here.

I went to the dollar store and bought a cheap plastic box and a sharpie. I wrote "Received Mail" on all four sides of the box. I was going to write "Bills" on the sides but decided not to because dad was starting to have a difficult time figuring out what was bills and what was not. I put the box by where he always sat down to open mail. I suggested to him that after he'd read his mail he should put it in the box. Then we would go through the mail together every Saturday and sort it out. To my surprise, it worked! Of course it didn't work forever but it did give me several months of not having to search through the house for the electric bill and insurance statements. But by the time he'd forgotten to put the mail in the box, he'd forgotten to take it out of the mailbox outside. So of course, that problem was gone and the bills were paid on time. One more hurdle I'd managed to get over.

I hope this helps.

Love, Barb
__________________
Live, Love, Laugh.

 
Old 05-04-2006, 08:32 AM   #9
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: West Coast
Posts: 425
Sandyspen HB UserSandyspen HB User
Re: I need some help and advice and stories, please!

Barb,
You're so right! That's what I did with my mom, too. I had to have 2 boxes, but the same principal.

Every time I'd mention it she would say she didn't know which was junk mail, that was her big complaint. She did not want to mix junk mail with "real" mail but didn't want to accidentally throw away something important.

I tried telling her put it all in the same box and we'd go over it one day a week while I was there. I could never convince her to put junk mail in with "real" mail. I've said before, she is hard-headed and stubborn. So we made 2 boxes. One for junk mail and one for real mail. So all the mail got deposited into those two boxes on her kitchen table.

It worked. And she did that until I brought her to live with me.

Towards the end, her problem was different. She would go to the mailbox 10 times a day (couldn't remember she had already checked and gotten her mail) and cry when she didn't have mail. She was in a small adult-mobile home park. Her neighbors felt so badly that they saved all their "junk mail," and when anyone walked near her box, they would drop it in. So mom got mail all day long and that junk mail box was always overflowing.

Even now, when my dh checks on her mobile, sometimes there is junk mail in her box from her neighbors.
__________________
Sandy

 
Old 05-04-2006, 08:42 AM   #10
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Martha H's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Middlebury, IN
Posts: 4,695
Martha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB User
Re: I need some help and advice and stories, please!

That is so sweet - neighbors who really care about you. Mom's neighbors did what they could also - before she got an HHA to walk out with her, if anyone saw her looking lost or trying to open the door of the wrong building (all the apartment houses looked alike) they would say, 'Hello, are you out for a walk? I'm on my way back to 43rd Street, are you coming too?' so whenever a person who knew her came along, they made sure she got to her building ...

Mom also forgot all about mail. Never checked the mailbox, never opened anything if she happened to meet the mailman in the vestibule of the building. She had no idea what it was for.

At an earlier stage she was always insisitng she 'knew that already'. I opened and read her birthday cards out loud, for example, and she said , annoyed, 'you already read that card to me yesterday, who do you think you're kidding?' I got annoyed and tried to 'prove' by the postmark that this was brand new mail, but she never agreed. (I was such a slow learner ... I never really did catch on .. now I can give advice, but I was never able to follow it myself. )

Love,

Martha

Last edited by Martha H; 05-04-2006 at 08:43 AM.

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Post nissen fundo need some advice and assurance Aryana70 Acid Reflux / GERD 32 08-09-2012 08:06 AM
Need Guidance / Advise??? Please?? Cupcake3 Addiction & Recovery 15 11-12-2007 05:45 PM
Need advice - please help. sweetsurrender7 Addiction & Recovery 11 10-18-2007 06:56 AM
I need some help/advice please srl506 Panic Disorders 1 08-11-2007 11:26 AM
Urgent advice / help needed for my son Ohoolahan Family & Friends of Addicts and Alcoholics 17 04-10-2007 11:44 AM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added




Top 10 Drugs Discussed on this Board.
(Go to DrugTalk.com for complete list)
Aricept
Aspirin
Ativan
Morphine
Namenda
  Reminyl
Risperdal Seroquel
Xanax
Zoloft




TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Gabriel (762), ninamarc (157), Martha H (124), meg1230 (93), angel_bear (68), jagsmu (55), Beginning (51), TC08 (44), ibake&pray (43), debbie g (37)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1180), MSJayhawk (1013), Apollo123 (909), Titchou (856), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (763), ladybud (755), midwest1 (671), sammy64 (668), BlueSkies14 (607)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:23 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!