Just wanted to discuss my mom's placement. I placed her yesterday; it was the hardest thing. I went ahead before bringing her in and set up her room which looked different than when I visited the week before. I had my mom's suitcase in my hand...and hesitated opening it. I was actually thinking ...I can't do this. My husband took the suitcase out of my hand and opened it. I set out her stuff and just held it all in. I went to pick her up and figured she would see the place and question why we were there. To my surprise ....she didn't even notice where we were. I guess I keep thinking she is oriented to present but ...We went inside and she never asked why we were there. We had lunch and the nurse suggested we leave. They would complete her assessment and let her start getting used to the place. I hugged her and kissed her and she didn't even react to our leaving--she kept eating her food.
We had forgotten a few personal items so we had to come back. My husband offered to do it; he felt it would be too difficult for me....he was right...I cried leaving; I cried at her home; I cried at my house. I asked him to call me about how she was doing. He saw her and he said she saw him and asked "do i know you?" he said yes and gave her his name. She responded "oh, yes I know you." (but my husband felt she didn't really know him or that he was her son in law--who she has always adored) She then said I am waiting for the dr so they can finish my exam and then I'll be going home. She is in a locked unit.
It breaks my heart just writing this...I haven't slept well all week or last night. I kept dreaming of her. I wonder how her night was, how or what she is thinking today. I wonder if she has asked for my sister( 44 y.o. Down's who she cared for all her life). She had begone to forget who she (my sister) was.... This is just so hard. It has been 24 hrs and they suggested I wait 2-3 days before visiting. I want to call to check on her and then I don't want to call....what if she is having a terrible time...etc. I feel guilty as it is....
I have moved in my sister and we slowly getting her settled in her new room and new surroundings. We are all adjusting. She actually seems to doing well with the transition ...so far...I think she was ready - she lived in the middle of mom's obsessive and many times erratic, agitated state...so this may be a rest for her.
Well, thank god for this board. I have used it so many times and in making and preparing for this...I really found the support and advise so very helpful. I continue to take it one day at a time.
I too had taken the suitcase with goodies in it (and this was only RESPITE, but I knew it would be leading to full placement - I knew I still had the chance to reject placement at this stage), and unpacked it, and cried. I remember thinking I was feeling like a rat deserting a sinking ship. I hated placing her, I hated having to place her, I hated this disease for making it too hard to have her at home anymore, I hated the whole dang deal.
I got somebody else to take her to the Nursing Home, my husband and I simply couldn't and there was nobody else who could (or would for that matter) so the Gov't department who had assessed her did it for me THANK HEAVENS.
But I fretted. I cried. I beat myself up. I suffered horrendous guilt ... I cried ... the staff were brilliant with me .. especially Nursing Home NO. 2 when Nursing Home NO. 1 rejected my ex-charge after only 1 night!!!
I was in a panic .. I cried .. guilt .. I cried .. fretted .. I cried ...
But after 4 days of constant ringing to see how she was and getting reports back .. I took a well earned holiday .. and didn't pop in to see her until I FELT comfortable going there. It was still hard, but the change was remarkable.
My ex-charge had gone from angry and defiant and miserable to clean, tidy, smelling nicer, happier disposition and pleasant to be around .. which then made me think "OMG .. I was doing such a rotten job" but then remembered that I had it 24/7, and had no breaks where the staff here were rotated which helped.
It was the HARDEST thing to do, but the KINDEST thing to do ... didn't help my guilt of course, but it was justified.
Anyway,this is my long-winded way of telling you your OK .. your feelings are OK and your Mum will be FINE .. just give it time ... and be gentle on yourself too.
Oh .. and crying is good for you within reason LOL
Bless your heart! I understand, too, and have been there, cried buckets, and done that, and cried an ocean. They say that the oceans around the world are rising due to global warming, but it may be the tears of those who love someone with Alzheimers, another dementia, or illness......
When my mother had to be move to a locked unit, she didn't notice either. She was fine. I was a mess. The "responsible daughter" had failed. No No NO!! I had done what was best and safest for Mom and she blossomed under the regular schedule, calm, and good care. I wrote about all of Mom's reaction on Jess' recent topic.
Others may have mentioned this, but this is a no guilt area. Say what you need to. No guilt. Make the best decisions you can at the time - then, no guilt. No kicking yourself because you couldn't fix everything back like it was. You may have heard this already, but it bears repeating.
I've been absent in recent weeks as it's almost the 2nd anniversary of Mom's death and her home is going on the market. As an only child, it's been a job and a tear-jerker all over again, so it was too much to come here and may be again in the coming weeks. Time will tell.
You've come a long way in the last year and a half and you've done well. Your mother is safe. You sister is safe. You are probably more right than you can imagine that your sister feels better and happier in the tranquiltiy and haven of your peaceful home. You and your family have provided a wonderful gift to her.
If my course through this is anything to judge by, the tears will lessen a lot in a very few weeks as you see how your mother is really okay in her new home. They'll well up occasionally for years and that's okay. My granny used to say "Tears show clear what the heart holds dear."
As Sally said, be gentle with yourself. Be as loving with yourself as you are to others.
You did it! You did the hardest thing, and it worked out well. Your Mom is in a safe place, your sister in away from the chaotic dementia household where none of the old rules ever apply, and all of you will settle down to a new, happier life. Pat yourself on the back, you accomplished something hard but needed.
I wish I could just hug you all... I'm a social worker in a nursing home and many of our resident's have some form of dementia, be it mild, or severe. It sounds as if your folks or loved ones are well placed, and safe. It's so hard to be a caregiver. You just can't be 24/7. Don't feel guilty or beat yourself up, because you really are doing the right thing. And you would never leave them where you thought they were not getting the proper care or treatment, right? And, the plus is that so many of the dementia specific units, especially, have more staff to give attention to the resident and have better activities to keep their minds active.
I really hope this gets easier for you. I wish you the best.
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