Moving Tomorrow! - Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

naturevibe · 08-14-2006, 10:14 AM

Tomorrow we are moving Grandma to a very nice secure memory care unit where she'll have her own apartment and even a community dog! She, of course, thinks we are robbing her of everything that's hers and even thinks we're kicking her out so we can move in and steal her house.

My mom has been living with her for the last year and has been a wreck all week, doubting herself and the move, and I even think she's worried about what life will be like after she's not caregiving anymore. I am taking bits and pieces of various posts that I think she'll benefit from reading - and giving them to her this morning to hopefully boost her spirits - so thank you all for being here! It's so nice to have a place to come just to feel reassured.

Wish us luck, tomorrow will be a long day (especially with the 'wrath of grandma' after she realizes her new apartment has a shower rather than a bathtub!!

)

LuvMyLilDoggie · 08-14-2006, 12:09 PM

Good luck with grandma's move!

My dad hasn't gone to a NH yet. I cared for him 24/7 for 15 months before my sister came and took him home with her. Though I knew he wanted and needed to go there, I still felt guilty about sending him. In my case, it was my need to feel needed that caused much of my ill feelings about dad's move. Don't get me wrong, I had guilt for not being able to take care of him the way he needed to be taken care of. I had guilt because I was (and still am) living in his house. Dad accused me of taking everything he had but really it was another person who was doing that. He told me before he left that nothing was his anymore, that I had taken over. Those kinds of comments, tho not true, just cemented my feeling of guilt and loss. I was just trying to give my dad as decent of a life as possible without having to move him from his home. That's why I sold my house and rented an appt until he was ready for me, my husband and son to come live with him. I wanted it to FEEL right for him.

Now, 15 months after he left to go live with my sister, I feel good about it. I don't like what she's doing to him financially but he is happy. He's being fed, his medical concerns are being taken care of, he has a roof over his head and has a host of people there who help my sister by taking dad on little drives or to eat and such. He's happy. I'm told it took some adjusting for him. He kept asking to go home. But as far as I know, he doesn't ask that anymore.

I miss dad and sometimes I think of jumping in my truck and driving the 12 hours to my sister's house and snatching him up and taking him back home. But he's used to that life now, or as used to it as he can get. I have to remember that it's my own need to feel needed that sometimes gets in the way of my clear thinking. And that hurts.

Please tell your mom that she's not alone. We understand the feelings of guilt and loss all too well. But those feelings will lessen with time.

Your grandma is going to what seems to be a lovely place. She may surprise you all and adjust well to the new facility. And the community pet, what a lovely touch!

Love, Barb

Martha H · 08-14-2006, 12:36 PM

(Side note to Barb) - you have made an incredible journey since you first came to this Board. Your peace of mind is admirable. You have let go of hard feelings towards certain people, and are only thinking of what is best for your Dad. Congatulations!

Nature Vibe - you have done the right thing! It is so hard, but so necessary! I hope it all works out well. Especially your mother will be so relieved. Try to help her get over her guilt feelings by emphasizing the good things at Grandma's new home. I am sure she will feel at loose ends for a little while, but then she can go on with her own life which was on hold all the time she was her main caregiver.

Good luck to all of you!

Love,

Martha

LuvMyLilDoggie · 08-14-2006, 07:45 PM

I had to let go. It would have eaten me alive if I hadn't. And being away from dad for so long has allowed me to think much clearer. I'm a lot more rational than I used to be, that's for sure.

And you all have helped me so much. Remember when I was angry a few months ago and I was ready to get in a certain someone's face about my dad? You guys are the ones who put me back on the ground and made me re-think what I was about to do. You all saved me a LOT of grief!!!

Sorry for taking over your thread, Naturevibe.

You and your mom have made the hardest decision. The first few weeks after the move always seem to be the hardest. But know that it's for the best. Nursing homes aren't like they used to be. There's usually lots of activities to keep the residents occupied. My grandma liked her NH. She forgot she used to live with my aunt. She made friends with some of the residents and enjoyed meeting "new" people every day.

Love, Barb