georgie04

OK guys, here goes. I’ve been sitting on this for eight months trying to work through the guilt and second-guessing myself, but here’s the thing:

I think DH has Alzheimer’s, and you know what I’m going to do? [whisper mode on] I’m leaving.

Now, before you all vote me off the island for being a heartless so-and-so, let me explain my thinking.

I’m more than twenty years younger than DH. For the last six years we have been looking after SIL, and for four years before that his mother. Six years ago I developed a thyroid problem which really knocked me around – now that that is under control, it looks as though I may be developing Lupus. (I feel like a walking soap opera guys!)

When I first realized that DH had a problem (actually it was he who asked me if I thought he had AD – I said “don’t be ridiculous, you’re just under a lot of stress” because he has always said if he got it he would kill himself) – I sat down and tried to figure out our options for the future, and the pros and cons. Going over the list to see if I had considered everything – the thought popped into my head “OR, you could just leave”. At first I totally dismissed it – what an awful thing to do – how could I even think it???

But, over the months, I have come to think it is the best thing to do. We have been to a neurologist and his doctor – he has had every test and scan known to mankind – nothing wrong but they both made clear to me that he shouldn’t be experiencing the memory problems that he is having – they are aware of his sister’s dementia and I think his doctor gave me a deep meaningful look when that came up. He has gone from an intelligent, gentle, soft spoken man to a belligerent, grumpy, bullying man with a serious road rage problem. He has raised his voice at me for the first time in twenty years.

I’m starting to feel like this family’s punching bag (not literally - yet). He HAS got other people who will look after him if I’m not here. I have raised, very gently, the possibility of AD with his children – total denial (quelle surprise) but at least I have planted the seed.

For SIL I have been working with the agencies to put in place as much support as possible. She now gets meals on wheels, twice-daily home care visits for housework and supervision of medication, a social worker who calls in regularly and is learning to coordinate and accompany her to doctor visits, daycare, an occupational therapist and a case worker. Heck, she has an entourage!! It’s still not enough to keep her ticking along on a totally even keel, but I think I’ve made as much progress on that front as I can.

I’ve tried two ‘trial separations’ with DH to see how they would go – both times he’s wormed his way back into my good books (or worse, he’s forgotten that we separated!!). Wasn’t that a song? ‘If you leave me, can I come to?’

Exactly like n2e’s DH, he has gone from questioning if he has a problem to absolute denial, and I just KNOW I’ll go completely nuts if I have to play that game.

So, for my health and happiness, I’m getting out. I still love the old DH very much, but I just don’t deserve this new one!!

Thanks for listening, I don’t know what I would have done without you all over the last year, especially the last few months as I’ve been working through the grief and guilt. I haven't said any of this out loud to anyone - but I'm hoping you'll understand.

Love
Georgie