I have my heart in my throat right now - just got off the phone with dad. It's almost 10:30pm here - why do they allow residents to use the phone this late??? The latest...
Dad says Dr. finally came to see him today and told him he can no longer travel alone, BUT maybe your daughter will take care of you, travel etc. I cannot believe this. I have told the Dr. (he was my mom's dr. and is also my husband's, so I have a very long relationship with him). I told him over the course of getting dad into the facility that when he sees him to tell him this is his home, no more travel due to his diabetes, pacemaker, ANYTHING - just get him off my back. Dad may forget, but I am ready to pass out. Dad wants me to bring his suitcase tomorrow. Thinks he can live with me, but not to worry, just a couple days and he'll be going overseas.
Of course, the nurse won't be in till tomorrow morning so I can have her check her notes and see did this really happen???? The Dr. knows I have been so stressed the past year in getting dad into a facility, would he really say you are fine physically, you can leave if Anna takes care of you??????
There'll be no sleep for me tonight. I feel as though the nightmares I've had of dad showing up on my doorstep will come true now. I am shaking. I know I need to call the Dr. (probably have to wait till Monday) and get his version, but I doubt dad would make this up? (Last year the Dr. did say to me dad could travel, but not alone, at that time).
I'm probably not making any sense - I am so upset. By the way, it was my husband's 55th birthday today and dad has ruined that for us too. Just like he ruined our first vacation we had in 6 years last year when he drove his car into our house a few weeks before we were to leave.
Frankly, I am sick and tired of the experts saying to keep the Alz. patient happy and calm at all costs - I feel like yelling this is your home, get used to it! Sick and tired of worrying about him and in the meantime my husband and I still have no life, my stress level is through the roof yet again - what about the caregiver? I have repeatedly asked the facility not to let dad call that often; it helps a while and starts up again. I am so sorry I picked up the phone, but with the late hour I thought it was maybe a nurse there. I am so tired that he is still running my life, even being in a facility.
Thanks for letting me explode yet again - and I thought my troubles were over.
Oh honey, first take a long deep breath and then read.
I was right there where you are just a few nights ago when my dad wanted to come home. Panic set in. I was angry and upset that my sister called and told me of dad's agitation and insistence that he wanted to come home. I wanted to SCREAM! I love him but I didn't want to be put in the same position I was in last year-even worse now because his AD has progressed. Dad had told my sister he was having pain in his jaw and needed to come home so that I could take him to the doctor that fixed it the last time. When I heard that, I panicked and was shaking so that I thought I would come right out of my skin. I was angry that things are stressful enough in my life right now. I don't need the extra stress of all of this. I wanted to see dad but I didn't want him to come back and stay.
So I jumped on the boards and ranted and raved and got support and sage advice. EVERYONE told me to take it easy and wait it out. Things change sometimes by the minute with AD.
And then the next day came.
After me staying up most of the night shaking, crying, worrying.....I called dad only to find out that the pain was gone just as quickly as it came and all was ok. He said he wants to come "visit" me. I had never experienced such relief in my life!
I suspect dad was upset about something that happened at my sister's house and used his jaw as an excuse to come home. But he forgot about it the next day.
Your dad's doctor may have forgotten and said what he said to calm your dad. Or he might have never said it at all. Your dad just may be wanting to go so badly that he made it up. Whatever the reason, I know the phone calls are bothering you to no end. So I suggest you talk to the nursing home and tell them that only if something happens to your father should they allow any phone calls to you past a certain time. No nighttime phone calls unless there's an emergency. Does he have a phone in his room? If so, take it out. He'll likely make less phone calls if a phone isn't readily available.
I know the feeling of wanting to scream it from the mountaintops to get through to an AD person. It doesn't help. I'll tell you what I did the other night and it did help me. I screamed into a pillow. Sounds silly but at that point, I didn't care.
Try to relax and sleep dear. The situation just may not be as bad as you're fearing once the sun rises.
I'm so sorry that you're being put through the wringer again and again. This is so unfair!
I'd suggest you talk to the nurse manager of the facility and explain that you cannot and will not tolerate these calls that actually amout to harassment. Your father cannot help it, but the staff can stop the calls by not giving him the phone, especially at night. If your father needs a sleeping pill, that might help, too. My mother needed one and benefitted from actually sleeping all night instead of walking the halls.
Then have a talk with the doctor. Tell him it's absolutely unacceptable to encourage your father's illusions for his own convenience and at your expense. Your father isn't travelling or moving to your home ever again, barring a retroactive cure. You can fire the doctor if he's uncooperative. I had to fire my mother's doctor of 30 years because he refused to see her in the locked AD unit and wanted me to bring her to his office. She was 86 and in a wheelchair at the time. The NH was able to suggest a good doctor to me and I was pleased with the care he gave my mother for her remaining years.
I'd also suggest you do something as silly as putting a "Home Sweet Home" (in English or his native language) picture on the wall in your father's room. My mother could read long after I thought she'd forgotten everything she ever learned. Perhaps seeing that message frequently will help your father understand he is home. Maybe some photos of the old country enlarged so he could easily see them would help, too. Remember to use a plastic frame for safety and a poster frame would be good if you make the photo really large.
Happy birthday to your DH!
Now, try not to fret tonight, take an aspirin (my mother's remedy for a busy brain at night), and try to sleep. Do not go to visit your father tomorrow. Instead, plan a day away from home and enjoy yourselves.
You really need to sit down with the Facility Director and demand time out. Your paying GOOD MONEY to keep dad safe and sound, and they are really being unrealistic allowing him to ring you at all times of the day or night .. THEY are being paid good money to care for him, not fob it off on you because it get's a bit 'difficult'.
You really need to put your foot down honey .. or find another facility that WILL do what they are supposed to do !!!!!
Aunt Sally has spoken !!!!!! Now go take that aspirin, book a proxy birthday for next week, top it off with a scotch or a port and REST .. oh and take the phone off the hook.
Big hugs .... you really ARE a good person y'know.
First of all you have to get him a one way phone. My Mom has a phone in her room only for receiving calls. It is very cheap (we pay for the line) and she cannot make any outgoing calls. If there is a great need to reach us, the nurses station will make a call for her. No way at night!! In fact they have never done so since she got this phone.
Secondly, your father's doctor might not have even been there. The Alzheimer mind is very deviousl Maybe your Dad thought to himself "I know how I'll get Anna to take me home - I'll tell her the doctor ordered it! I'll also tell her the doctor said she should go to Europe with me ." Then he called and did just that. Doctor's don't make their rounds at 10 PM - - - and don't you think that he would have called immediately after the doctor's visit IF there had been one??
If however your Dad's doctor really did tell him all that, you must have that talk with the doctor.
It is also possible that he got a general check up and nothing of the sort was said.
It is also quite likely that he will forget he told you all that.
He does seem obsessed with going back to the old country. Too bad - I had hoped he would forget all about it by now.
Take it easy, enjoy your life and your freedom. Nobody - not him, not his doctor, nor the NH, NO ONE can force him back to your house! No one can force you to take him back! He cannot show up on your doorstep and move back in. (I know, 'talk is cheap'... I still have nightmares that my ex husband shows up at my home ... after 6 yrs apart ... we had issues including physical and mental abuse.)
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