Adding one more thing to the mix... - Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

bswmft · 08-23-2006, 08:43 AM

My grandfather was diagnosed in early May with moderate alzheimers. He has declined rather quickly....which I didn't expect. He will carry on a conversation, but doesn't have any idea who you are. It is aweful. We celebrated my grandparents 63 wedding anniversary on Saturday. My grandfather was experiencing a lot of pain in his back, and was in visible discomfort. He kept asking my grandmother who everyone was, except for my father (his son). My grandfather used to be so active, let alone sharp as a tack! He is now refusign to socialize, won't go out of the house, and is shuffling when he walks.
Now to the "additional" news...he also has prostate cancer and kidney problems. The cancer seems to be under control, and not much of an issue at this time, which is the good news. The not so good news is that he went to the kidney dr yesterday and she informed my dad that my grandfather is in need of dialysis. I guess my dad really broke down last night...and understandably. He is an only child, so all of the care falls predomintly on him. I don't know if my grandfather really understood what the doctor was telling him. I, of course, am concerned for my grandfather, but am also concerned for my dad. I mean, he is still working full time as a police officer, and is now the primary caregiver for both his mom and dad, and is the power of attorney. Is anyone else dealing with a similar situation with an alzheimer's loved one, who has other medical issues? I had written before that my dad has remarked that he doesn't want myself or my sister to have to help him out, although, as a therapist, I wonder how healthy that is for my dad....which I know isn't healthy. I can understand that he wants to be present for the dr appts so that he hears first hand what they are saying and he can ask the questions he has, but he won't let me help out with taking them out to the store, etc. I do get to see them whenever I want, obviously, and am their official "driver" when we have get togethers at my parents house. Any suggestions?

Thanks in advance! Theresa

Martha H · 08-23-2006, 09:07 AM

Dear Theresa,

it is good of you to ask to help out. Try to find ways to help without first asking - because your dad seems to say no. Of course he doesn't wantthe burden to fall on you and your sister.

But I know, as the only caregiver for my Mom for 5 years, I was so happy if anyone did the smallest thing to relieve me. Example - a friend of Mom's took her to church, maybe 3 times in the entire time I was with Mom - but I was so incredibly relieved to have a 3 hour break for myself. It took that long to drive to church (neither of us had a car) and stay for the service, a Bible discussion, coffee, and drive home.

Once I jumped into the nearby Subway and went to Central Park in the middle of winter to see the 'Gates' exhibit (orange flags in the white snow, lovely!) and was so glad I had the 3 free hours. I was also working full time and an aide was with Mom part of my working day, but whenever I was not at work I was 'on duty' nights, weekends etc.

Just driving your Grandpa to the store, to see a friend, to a park, to a nice place with a view to sit on a bench - would give your dad that much less hassle. You could also go over to grandpa's unexpectedly and do some cleaning, dishwashing, clothes care or whatever ...

I don't remember if your grandma is at home too or in a NH.

Thd kidney probolem is very serious, and I hope his doctors get it under control. The prostate cancer at his age is a slow moving relatively harmless disease. Most elderly PC victims die of something else before that cancer gets big enough to do any harm.

You are a good daughter to want to help - please do as much as you can!

Love,
Martha

bswmft · 08-23-2006, 09:25 AM

Thanks Martha. The dr. did say that the cancer is not what will kill him, that the kidney disease most likely will.
I appreciate the reassurance. My grandparents live in an "assisted living" apartment, which is part of a Baptist Nursing home. They are really on their own, and the placement was made at least 10 years ago, as a precaution, so that if one of them was ill and couldn't be taken care of by the other, they would be guaranteed a room in the nursing home, so at least we won't have to worry about that if and when the time comes.
Thanks again. Theresa

wmkcolors · 08-25-2006, 12:48 AM

My grandfather has increasing dementia. We are keeping him at home, and my brother, who is his legal guardian, and I utilize an at home health care and nursing agency. My brother and I work as a team, overseeing his care, but, we've had to learn how to ask for the help. I'd say, continue to offer to help your dad, even in small ways, and your dad will gradually learn how to accept the help more. It took awhile for my brother and I to learn how to work together and to rely on each other. We've slowly discovered what we each do best, in terms of our grandfather's care. For example, my brother has more luck, being present at his doctor's appt.s. I do better giving orientations to the Caregivers and overseeing household management. It's great that you want to help. I'm present as much out of love for my brother, as for my grandfather.