My mother has alztheimers and I have been taking care of her for the last 3years.In the beginning it wasn't so bad,but this last year has been a nightmare.I've explained it to my other 3 sisters and they just tell me to get use to it and ignore her because it is a sign of the illness which I know this but when I ask for them to back me when we confront mother on her verbal and mental abuse they tell me we will talk with her and when we do they act like their afraid of her and don't want to hurt her feelings.What about mine.My Oldest sister and her husband pay me to take care of her.Like I said in the beginning it wasn't so bad,but now I dred having to go and help her each day.I never know when I walk in the door if she is going to be grippy,accuse me of something,are even shoot me.She does have to guns in the house,but my sister said she took the bullets out of the house.How do I know this for sure.She blames me for stealing from her,not fixing her medications right,the lawn being watered too much or not enough,how to drive her car which she is not permitted to drive anymore,not leaving her windows down on her car in the garage,taking over her home and arranging everything in her home the way I wanted it.Not true.If I try to defend myself she always tells me I know everything.She has accused me of getting in her purse without her permission,and going thru her closets and her dresser drewes.My Sister told me they needed to be straighted up because they were a mess and she couldn't find anything.Well,I did this but asked her first and she tells me and everyone else weeks later that she didn't give her permission and that I ramsacked her house through her personal belongings.She is never happy with anything in her life.She puts everyone down,especially her family and we have done so much for her.She repeats the same old stories of how pitiful things were in her past,and I try to get her to look forward and not backwards.She ignores me and finishes her stories anyway about fifty thousand times aday,everyday.If things aren't the way she wants them to be are you dispute anything she says or does she throws a temper tantrum like a little bitty child.She'll throw things,slam doors,scream,pull her hair,stomp her feet and storms away shouting,and saying I know you Know everything.Most of the time she doesn't even know her six kids name.She'll get mad when she trys to think of their names during conversation and says oh you know,my daughters name or sons name.She takes catnaps all thru the day and tells me and everyone that she never could take a nap in the day time like some people do because if I do I want sleep at night.Bull.It sounds probably like I have burned out.That's not the problem.I'm just tired of being the butt of all her arguements.I hate fights,but she knows how to really push the right buttons.I can take and take and then my steam just blows and I let her have it.I know this isn't right,but she has mentally and emotionnally exhausted me.I do feel bad about this but I don't know what to do about her.I don't have a support group from my family in this matter.They always side with her so not to make her angry or hurt and think nothing about me and my feelings.Well,wednesday we got into a good one.I tried to just blow it off as something minor and to not worry about it and she accused me of saying she caused the mishap which I didn't.Another temper tantrum.It is becoming a daily thing now.So my sister told me that when she acts like that to just pick up and go home.I had already feed her and did what needed to be done around the house and told her I was going home.She said go home then.So I did.I'v had to do this about four or five times in the last three years and I think that is good.Needless to say it is Thursday now and I haven't been back.Hopefully this will make her think.Ha!I doubt it.My health isn't great now either.I now have diebeties,osteoporosis,am on zoloft and have been experiencing severe headaches and nausea with diarrea after one of these bouts with mother.My mother has it made,my sister and her husband bought her a new home,bought her a car which I drive for her to all of her appointments as she no longer needs to drive.When I take her to the Dr. and we leave the rest of the family wants to know what the dr.said and she gives a complete different story about what the dr.says If I say anything she tells me I'm lieing that the Dr. did not say that.If she has an appointment at a certain time during the week with her Dr.,you can bet that every morning when I get their she is standing at the door gripping me out because were late to the Dr.Yes,she is dressed and holding her purse waiting for me.I tell her fifty thousand times everyday when her appointment is.Then again she'll say,what time did yoou say we have our Dr.s appointment.This is just the beginning.I'm going nuts.I keep trying to hang in their because I'm not a quitter,but this has diffinently gotten the better of me.I hate to quite because I gave up my daycare center in my home to help my mother out and it is now the only income I receive.What to do,What to do?Help,Desperate.Not looking forward to going in tomorrow.Hopeless.
You have to assert yourself. You have sisters who do nothing but fork over some money. No amount of money in the world can compensate a Dementia caregiver for the agonies they go through every day.
What you have described is typical of an Alzheimer patient, but there is no logical reason why YOU have to be stuck with the caregiving. You did it for 3 years, as long as it was humanly possible. Now she is in an advanced state (accusing you of stealing etc is typical ) and she needs to be in a facility with resources to deal with those delusions. You can't be expected to do it.
Tell the rest of our family that enough is enough and you are not going to do it anymore. Find out the names of a few good nursing homes nearby and go there with your sisters to check them out, then Mom can be moved in. She will protest, but it has to be, for her own safety. Soon she will be roaming at night, burning things, etc. Going over there every day is not going to be enough, she needs round the clock care. Then you can get a new job at another day care center (I did that too for the whole 5 years I was Mom's caregiver!)
I can't emphasize enough that your family needs to take your point of view seriously. Go away for 2 weeks and let them do the day to day care --- that should wake them up. They are all in denial. "Oh it's only a part of this disease, get used to it" doesn't help when someone is threatening to shoot or knife you!
Be strong, be assertive, and get the help you need and deserve .. she is THEIR mother too!
Dear Cin: I agree with Martha with a big AMEN SISTER!!! You need to get a life that doesn't involve taking caring of your Mom. If you don't, you're going to be the one needing to be taken care of with all your medical problems. The stress you are dealing with is enough to cause all kinds of illness. Do what Martha said, gather the family round and tell them in no uncertain terms how it's gonna be and then go and take a vacation and get another job. This is just not worth any amount of money they are paying you. I'm not putting your Mom down, I know it's hard to see her with AD, but you have to face the facts that she is only going to get worse, not better and the NH is equipped to handle her. Do this and don't feel guilty. You did all you could do and then some - I don't know how you did it this long. Please keep us posted, everyone is here for you and they know what they are talking about! C
I agree with what Martha and Cyt said but I want to add a few other things.
First, you must know that the mom you see in front of you is NOT the mom who raised you. She's in the same body but it's not her. It's Alzheimer's, the Imposter. The awful accusations and everything else that's causing you grief are coming from the Imposter, NOT your mother.
Second, arguing or correcting the Imposter (alzheimers) makes things worse, not better.
Third, you don't have to defend yourself. You know you're right. And when talking to your siblings about mom's doctor's appointment or anything else, you'd probably be best to let mom say whatever she wants to say and then take your siblings aside and tell them the truth. People with AD often confuse reality and fiction and trying to correct them just confuses them more.
Fourth, from what you've said about your mother, it sounds to me that she should never be alone again. She needs to have full time professional care. You can't be there 24/7. Besides, you've done more than enough to help her. Frustration, depression, anger, guilt, that's all part of something called caregiver burnout. And honey, you've got it. Believe me, I've been there. Like you, my health was affected. You need to take care of yourself now, especially with diabetes.
And finally, you probably see your mom much more than your siblings do. That means you see much more of what your mom is like now. And because you are your mother's caregiver, she is probably treating you worse than anyone else in the world. This may be because she knows deep down (but won't admit to you) that she is losing her memory AND her independence. She's becoming more and more dependent on you and she resents that. My dad knew he was losing his memory long before he told anyone. And he knew what he would become like as the disease progressed because his dad died from it. I can't imagine what that must have felt like. Just please remember that the next time your mom accuses you of doing something you didn't do.
Love, Barb
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Last edited by LuvMyLilDoggie; 08-24-2006 at 08:34 PM.
Cinderella,
Ahhhhhhhh. We do know what you're going through. Many of us have tried and tried to keep our loved one at home. Or care for them in their own homes. But, you reach a point in this illness when it just CAN NOT be done.
I was devastated when I finally had to find a group home for my mother, even though it's only a few blocks away from me. I was so sure I could keep her home with me. But like you, my own health was deteriorating. I was so stressed I'd tremble and just felt like a raging bull inside because of all the un-truths that mom would tell.
It isn't your mom, it's the disease. That's how they all behave. It's just part of the illness. I know that doesn't help much when you're the one getting the blunt end of it, but that's what it is. All the other ladies are right. You have to tell your family, you simply can't do it. I know, I was afraid to tell my brothers, too. I'm the only daughter, they rarely visited, and I was certain they would think I was exaggerating her behavior. But it didn't go that way at all. They were in total agreement and very understanding about what I was going to do, knowing they could never take care of her themselves.
I know the money is important, but it just isn't worth your health. It just isn't.
I'm glad you found us. We truly understand. And keep coming back.
Caretaker for my mother w/alztheimers/Help 
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