Need caretaker-dad's in denial - Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

ntrldy · 08-26-2006, 08:09 PM

Hi Folks:
I was so grateful when I found your board. Since my dad's dementia was diagnosed I've spent hours online reading facts and collecting info until I'm ready to scream. When I came across your site and started reading your postings it was like the giant fist wrapped around my stomach finally let go (or at least loosened its grip for a bit). I'm gonna jump right in with a request for help because I'm going bonkers trying to solve this problem. My father age 80 has recently been diagnosed with dementia cause unclear-we are in process of getting him screened. Problem is we have hired a caregiver (my father had agreed to this several times already but you know how things change from day to day) a really nice guy from a good company-however my father insists he is fine and absolutely refuses to have the caregiver "in his house that he built". We had a very ugly scene when the caregiver and the company's manager came to the house the first day. He also refuses to stay alone (not a real option anyway). He insists we take him to one of my sisters' houses (one is home with two young kids and one's husband is home short term after hurting himself at work) neither option is workable. When we refuse he starts calling people he knows (no easy task the phone confuses him). I can't have him calling neighbors and friends and he only needs the helper three afternoons a week we cover the rest of time and I live with him. I'm considering quitting my job and just staying home with him for now but am afraid the stress will eat me alive. If anybody has any hints on dealing with his denial of his situation and getting him to accept a helper I would be most grateful. Going for chocolate now-bless you all.

LuvMyLilDoggie · 08-26-2006, 09:03 PM

Ohhh will you share your chocolate with me??? I'll bring the graham crackers and marshmallows and we can make S'Mores!

Just kidding. It helps to keep me from going bonkers sometimes.

I wish I had an answer for you. My dad refuses a paid caregiver as well. He's with my sister now in another state so I have no day to day worries with him now. But when he comes back here, I'll be in the same boat as you.

There are more and more senior day care centers popping up everywhere. Would that be feasable for you? It may be good for your dad to have the type of social interaction that these places offer. And you could tell him that you're just taking him to visit some people. As you know, we sometimes have to be very sneaky to get things done in a manner where everyone is satisfied or as satisfied as can be.

Welcome to the boards, by the way!

Love, Barb

georgie04 · 08-26-2006, 10:18 PM

Hi there, and welcome.

We've been through various runs of this - and my SIL too is a master manipulator - she can escalate any situation to neighbours, to family up and down the country, to get the attention/result/sympathy she feels she needs.

I agree daycare would be worth a try - we are having quite good success with this after a lot of effort. The secret was finding something there for her to participate in that made her feel she was valued by the staff and other 'carees'.

From talking to social workers, it is common for people to think caregivers are actually friends visiting for a cup of tea and some scintillating conversation about their various medical conditions. That was certainly the case with SIL until someone let the cat out of the bag and she promptly started booting them all out!!!!!! I don't know whether your Dad is at a stage where you could make that work? Introduce the person as a friend of his/yours and say they would love to vsit for the afternoon and hear him talk about (insert something your Dad loves to talk about).

One thing we did that worked, but that I am not totally comfortable with, was to present it as a "compliance" issue. SIL's number one priority is to stay living 'independently' - we said that everyone wanted that for her too, BUT that the doctor has said she cannot stay there unless she accepts the caregivers. Now, I feel there is an element of bullying in that approach - especially for someone whose disease already makes them very insecure. BUT, it worked very well.

Those are a few experiences we have had that may be of use to you, I hope so.

love
Georgie

georgie04 · 08-26-2006, 11:06 PM

A couple of other late breaking thoughts that may or may not be feasible depending on your situation.

The type of caregiver can sometimes make a difference - SIL vastly prefers females over males for example, and there is one particularly sweet, angelic one that anyone would be pleased to spend the afternoon with.

Does the care need to be 'at home'? The sweet, angelic caregiver takes SIL for drives to places she frequented as a child, or to the beach or garden centre. If your Dad has a particular interest like that, then it could be more of an outing with company that he really enjoys, rather than a stranger in his house looking at him.

I see your father really wants to be with family and that is probably causing you the most trouble - that is SIL's preference too but she has come to accept the company of others instead for a lot of situations. She still gets lots of reassurance from us, but now she is OK going off on adventures with others.

cheers
Georgie

wmkcolors · 08-26-2006, 11:27 PM

One thing that I have done, to help my grandfather to accept his at home caregiver, is to hang out with the two of them, for the first few shifts. I establish a relationship with the caregiver. The 3 of us interact, and, slowly, I leave the two of them alone, more each day. This seems to help him establish a relationship with the helper. Nonetheless, he can still get agitated and try to get the caregiver to leave. I've tried several things, like telling him we respect his space. During a difficult hour, the caregiver will give him a "time-out" and go to another part of the house. It took awhile, but he does accept the help more these days than in the past. Finding a caregiver who has experience with dementia helps alot too.