i cant deal with this.... - Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

Punkdizzle · 08-27-2006, 05:49 PM

my father has alzheimer's and keeps going down hill quick... way to quick for me to adjust to how he is... he use to be a real go getter.. no fear at all.. now every little thing freaks him out... he and my mother will get into massive fights (over nothing).. and then he wont even remember it 5 min later... he asks people over and over again the same question we just answered a min before.. he trys to fix things that do not need fixed.. and just ends up making it worse until i come and fix it.. then he just goes and does it again...

he gets lost driving on roads he has been on all of his life.. and IMO he should not be driving at all because i am willing to bet anything if he keeps driving he will get himself killed or kill someone.. he drifts off into this la la land state and does not pay attention to other traffic or the lights..

its totally driving me nuts because my mother is no help... i think she is in denial over the whole thing.. she has said to me many times "i just have to keep his mind busy and it will get better" ... i keep trying to tell her this isnt going to go away and we need to take his keys and get him a hobby or something he can do without driving..

she refuses to get on board with taking his keys and hiding them... along with his guns ( he has mentioned to her a few times maybe he should just put a barrel in his mouth) she thinks its sneaky and dishonest

i think its just one of those things that needs to be done.. i have even layed it flat out for her.. " look mom you have to understand that if he hits someone and kills them or even just injures them you guys could lose everything.." "what if he gets a wack attack and shoots you?" still no one wants to do anything about this but me... this sucks! i feel like i have to be the adult to both of them but i dont know how i can do that and still respect them as my parents and since i have no one on my side it makes it all that much harder..

its such a damned if you do damned if you dont situation...

any advice would be helpful at this point... i have my own life and wife to be there for i can not watch him 24/7 and neither will my mother...

Martha H · 08-27-2006, 07:00 PM

Dear P

You are another victim of Alzheimer's. I don't mean you have it - I think of all the people in a family, the AD patient probably has the LEAST stress, because he can't remember all the weird things he is doing.

You are so very right to do whatever you can to get your Mom to agree on certain things. NO driving, NO more guns! Get them out of his house. Most AD patients forget about anything they don't see in front of them. You are right, he could kill your Mom or himself in one of the moods of Alzheimer's. It is not unknown for these patients to get depressed as they see their minds slipping away - please get rid of the guns, disable them, hide them, or turn them in at the police station! Get the licensing people to revoke his gun license! Get the DMV to revoke his driver's license - not that that would ever stop an AD patient! As long as he has a key and a car he will drive off - he can't think far enough ahead to worry about consequences.

Dear P, you need to have Power of Attorney also. I hope your dad is rational enough not to act TOO weird at a Notary's office where he will sign the documents. YOU need to make his decisons for him from now on, YOU are now the parent, he is the child. Mom is in denial and will be no help until she finds herself in danger or at her wits end.

There are ways to get help - everything from adult day care centers, home health aides at the house, assisted living communities, family nursing homes and hospital type nursing homes. Look into it .. he sounds like he is going to need full time care soon. Is he on any medication for the AD? Aricept and Namenda may or may not help. Some people see a slowing down of symptoms, no one ever gets cured. Anti depressives can cheer them up, sleeping pills can reduce night wandering, anti psychotics can limit rages and tantrums.

Sorry this is all so negative - I've been through it all with my Mom who is now happy in a NH on Long Island. It was a right move. She is well cared for, dry, warm, safe an not a threat to herself or others. Some of my family members are still in denial. 'She will be all right as soon as she can go home.' These are people who have not seen her for a long time ...

Good luck with it.. You have to be very strong, assertive, well informed and persuasive. You can do it, most of us here went through it. You and your Mom will be so relieved when he is finally in a place which is able to take care of him. Even having an aide in the house for several hours will be a great relief to your Mom. Is he at the stage yet where he refuses to wash? Can he still take care of his bathroom needs? Those are also problems that come up later, as the horrific disease progresses. Look at the 'sticky' at the top of the message list on this Board ..the 7 Stages of Alzheimer's gives you an idea how far along he is and what will happen next ...

Love,

Martha

LuvMyLilDoggie · 08-27-2006, 07:36 PM

Hi Punkdizzle,

You sound as frustrated as I did when I first came to this board. In fact, your story is much the same as mine except my mom was no longer with us when dad came down with AD and he never had any guns. But the thought of him driving scared the $hit out of me! Dad was doing everything you say your dad is doing and then some. I cared for him for several years. The last 15 months I cared for him, I was living with him. He could no longer live alone. My sister was the one I was butting heads with trying to convince her that dad had AD and was getting worse. She came up from down south and took him back home with her. That was almost 15 months ago. She now realizes that dad will never get better or even stay the same.

With my dad, I was the caregiver. It took years for me to fully acknowledge there was a problem with my dad. I know at least part of it was denial. But there's another part and that's the part of the disease creeping up. It's not like the person was well and then all of a sudden, they're not anymore. So with a person like your mom, it could be that she doesn't see it as clearly as you because she's so close to the situation and to him. She's with him 24/7.

I suggest you print the 7 Stages of Alzheimers at the top of the board and give it to your mom. Highlight everything you see that applies to your dad. It's going to be really hard for your mom when she finally accepts the facts. But this is what she needs to do in order for your dad to get the help he needs.

Some states (not the one I live in) have a form you can get online on your state's DMV website that allows you to anonymously request a special driving test for a person who you feel is a danger on the roads. If he fails the test, his lisence will be taken away. It's a tough decision. But it's better than learning your dad has been in a very serious car accident. And maybe this will help your mom to realize the seriousness of the situation.

Best of luck to you and please come back and let us know how you are. We understand.

Barb

Choquis · 08-27-2006, 08:01 PM

Dear PD,

I noticed that you are in PA... There was an article in our paper that doctors in PA are mandated by law to report any condition that would impede driving. So if you are being seen by a doctor and have an alcohol problem, the doctor has to report this to the State. (That was the basis of the article: a guy got his licensed suspended as he was being treated for alcoholism.) I think all states should adopt this law....due to the elderly driving and others who should not be on the road. Doctors should be liable!

Now it's my FIL with AD and seizures. But I have since found out that most states have a form that anyone can fill out and send in to have a person re-examinated...anonymously. My FIL received a notice from the state that he needed to go to the DMV for re-examination for his license. He has no idea why he got this form. He went last week and they asked if he had his license with him... He answered yes, and they clipped the corner of it. He is suspended until he gets forms filled out from the doctor saying he can drive.

In his case, he not only has AD, but uncontrolled seizures. MIL says she hopes he'll be able "just to drive around town".... then proceeded to say how he drove thru a barricade as the street was blocked off for a parade! Comes home with a big dent on his truck... Luckily no one was hurt!

So, check on-line at the state web site. ... That's where I found the form, printed it off, filled it out and sent it in. I think you won't have as much of a problem due to your licensing laws.

FIL says he's going to drive anyway....but he hasn't! They pick up the papers from the doctor tomorrow (Mon) and he thinks he can go back to the DMV and have his license reinstated. Our law in this state says you have to be seizure free for 6 months. So unless the doctor lies....I don't think he'll be getting his license back anytime soon! Dr. also has to list all meds and why the patient is taking them.

FIL also has road rage....rams cars on the exit ramps, cuts cars off, gets lost, follows cars to their destination so he can "fight"....etc. etc.

MIL is in complete denial too! I don't get it!

MIL will even say they could lose everything if he hurts or kills someone.... then in the next breath says : she hopes he can drive around town!! Yeah, kill someone you know!

So check out your State's web site....There will be something about re-examination.... You have to be the parent now.... and yes, it s*cks!!! With AD there is no asking what they want to do or how they want to handle something.... You just have to do it! Then start on getting POA.

Prayers,

Choquis

teapot · 08-28-2006, 04:49 AM

My Mom was in denial as well. Logically she saw that something needed to be done, but emotionally she couldn't do it. Her health wasn't the best and her Dr. and I held an "intervention." The message was - you can make decisions now, or other people will make decisions for you when there is a crisis - and there will be one. The decisions you make might not be what you want to do, but the decisions other people make for you will be worse. I spelled out a few options for her - Dad goes into a nursing home, they both go into assisted living or they stay in their home with massive in home care and made her choose.

You may need to get a Dr. or religious leader to help you get her to really see the situation.

The folks in denial are focusing on the short term, "it's ok now so I don't have to do anything" becomes "it's just a little worse today but I can still manage" becomes "he's a lot worse right now, but he's just tired." They don't really notice they are dealing with something very far from normal as it all got worse so gradually.