Just Need to Vent! - Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

Choquis · 09-03-2006, 03:38 PM

After reading "Something to Ponder".... it is just maddening the extent some people will go to deny the real situation!

Whether it is for money, greed, but I really think it is denial of what is happening to their loved one.

When my mother was ailing with AD, my sister would not visit... only Christmas, Mother's Day, and maybe Thanksgiving. She worked 10 miles from my mom and it would have been a real help to me and my dad if she would have stopped by a couple of times a week. My mom would have loved it! It would have been great to have her bring a casserole or treat of some kind occassionally....but "She couldn't stand to see her "like that!" as if ....I really enjoyed watching my mother decline!!!!!

With my FIL, the family hasn't called....none of his sisters, brother, or mother for over a week! The last we heard from them... (we saw M and 2 sisters at church)... they were supposed to go to the doctor on Monday (28th)to pick up the doctors' report on his ability to drive... FIL said "He paid for that license... and it's his....and if they don't give it back to him, he's getting an attorney!" Then Monday comes and goes and no word.... I guess no news is good news (for those of us on the road), so he probably didn't get it reinstated.

For MIL not to call could mean a couple of things:

she's letting him drive and as long as she doesn't call or see us means it's okay, he's having seizures and as long as she doesn't tell us or see us, it means they can use the July date for being seizure free for 6 mos., or maybe they found out who turned him in and don't want to confront me!

My DH is having problems at work (may get laid-off) and our extra car has been out of comission for over a month, so I can't be much help to them. (Hubby leaves for work @ 4:30 PM) They sleep in (10 am) and I only have access to a car until noon. I used to go over as soon as DH left for work... That way I could go to the grocery store or just watch TV with them in the evening giving MIL a break!

Wouldn't it be great if MIL offered me FIL vehicle and that would kill two birds with one stone....but she wants him to be able to drive around town....like I said before.....kill someone you know!

So anyway, sorry to ramble on and on.... my SIL told me, "You know, we're all nuts

and we're so happy you are in our family.... we don't get it! and you do!" But what she doesn't realize, it's making me nuts!!!! It is so exasperating!!

Even if no one reads this...that's okay...it's just great to have a place to vent!

Prayers,

Choquis

Martha H · 09-03-2006, 05:23 PM

We do read it, Little Cookie,

and we do understand.

One of the worst things I went through was having close relatives tell me repeatedly that Mom was 'fine.' My sister said Mom is 'confused' because I am not caring for her well. She isn't getting enough water. Or mental stimulation. Or too much TV. Anything other than that forbidden word, dementia. To this day Sis does not believe it is dementia. At the urging of you other AD carers, I said, 'why don't you come to NY and take care of her for awhile?'

'No no, I can't do that', was her reply. But telling ME how to do it better was OK.

I vented on this Board until I could breathe and think clearly and got a lot of advice. Once I mentioned "My brother and SIL want to take Mom in, but I can't let them do that.." and got nothing but 'Oh yes you can!' from my dear friends on this Board until I had the gumption to say, 'Ok, let's do that!'

Otherwise I would be looking after Mom to this day and totally unfree and miserable .. and she would be far less happy than she is at the NH.

Sometimes venting leads to smart decisions. Meanwhile enjoy NOTgoing over to your inlaws at the crack of dawn! Sorry, no car! You're off the hook! Enjoy it while you can!

love,

Martha

LuvMyLilDoggie · 09-03-2006, 06:08 PM

We read it and we certainly understand.

My sister and I live 700 miles apart. Dad would stay here with me for several months (in the early stages he lived alone and I was close by) and then with my sister for several months. It worked out pretty well for a many years. But what really used to get my goat is when my sister would say "He's fine down here" making it sound like dad was his old self and everything was just peachy keen. No memory problems, no depression, no mood swings. At the time, I was always the one who dealt with the medical stuff for him. For about 10 years, I was the one who took him to the doctor, made sure he had his meds and took them, scheduled all the tests and such. My sister had NOTHING to do with that side of things. The last time my sister came here to take my dad home with her, I told her that she needed to find a doctor for him, that SHE was the one responsible now for that at least until he came back here. She's since been told by several professionals exactly what's what. She even admitted to me that she used to think that dad behaved the way he did with me because of the way she thought I was treating him. Now she says she was wrong. For my sister to admit that is nothing short of a miracle. She NEVER admits when she's wrong. And now she's telling me that dad is getting worse, something else that she would never admit before.

It's amazing how fast the blinders came off once my sister was forced to take full responsibility of dad...

Love, Barb

cyt · 09-03-2006, 06:30 PM

How bout this one.....my FIL's sis told me "He's just drinking too much coffee" I could have fainted, I was so mad! I quit calling her. She doesn't live here anyway so she's clueless and in denial. I say, Who Cares! I don't need her help anyway! take care all, and God Bless. This is a terrible road to travel and we all need to vent at times. C