hello everyone,
I have been reading through your posts with tears in my eyes. Maybe I can talk about things honestly with you. iIjust need to let it all out.
My mum was recently diagnosed with alzhiemers. She is in her mid 60's. I would say that she is between stage 3 & 4. Her mother also had early onset dementia.
Mum lives alone at present just a few minutes away. I am her sole carer and I have POA and health gaurdianship. I have a great supportive family (hubby and kids) but a lot of drama / trauma and nastiness in my family of origin. No support there.
I have worked in aged care and in dementia units so I have every understanding of whats ahead of us. I also work at times providing support and counselling for carers. I think thats why everyone just thinks I can and will do it and I will be fine, I will cope, yes ! Good old Lolly !! Aways there for any problems!! copes with anything!
Well guess what....
i just want to be a daughter whose mother had Alzhiemers! I am crying as I type this. I am just so.... angry, sad, tired, overwhlemed....dare i say the G word... guilty... i just want to run away for a month or two!!
Just when my life was begining to sort itself out, amnew job that I love, my own business starting to take off, adult children planning to fly the coop in the next 12 -18 months....
Finally the possibility of some time for myself and my dear hubby and maybe we can finally get ourselves financially on our feet and stop struggling...
Now life has turned it all upside down... a long planned holiday cancelled... I find out that all my mums life savings are gone... stolen by a con artist who is now in jail and I have no recourse.... mum could never give evidence. I tried and tried to protect mum from this person but she was stroppy, argumentative and would not let me into the house for a long time. I had to choose to keep my sanity and so I minimised the contact for few years to phone calls and short visits at my home.
In those few years she lost her life savings.. (guilt+++ I should have done more to protect her) the dementia got worse and when I finally got into her house it was just unbelieveably filthy, disgusting actually (more guilt, what kind of a daughter, especially a health professional!!)
we have had assessments and I am looking at arranging some support. So far we have taken several tonnes of rubbish away, there is still more to go but I went down a few days ago to clean and i just couldn't face it ... I made an excuse and came home...
My work(which i love ) is suffering, I am getting behind and it is starting to catch up with me. I desperatly need a holiday. I took a few days off and worked flat out to catch up... truly i just can' see how i can ever get it all done.
I am having to prioritise and i can't let my own work suffer any more... need to pay the bills.... I have extra costs now as mum has no savings, just the pension.
she needed new clothes, had only 2 pairs of pants that were wearable and has needed food etc etc.etc..
there are no funds at all for... we are having to make up the difference so that she can live with basic nesecities. our savings are going to be affected...no funeral funds...have paid some outstanding accounts...
at the moment she is really pleased i have taken over her affairs and she seems a lot less stressed. she is compliant and letting me help her which makes it easier....she keeps asking when she will be able to drive again but accepts it when i tell her she won't....
I have no illusions that i will be able to nurse her at home... my goal is to keep her at home as long as i can and then move her into a hostel/ Nursing home close by...
I am very lucky that these are things that we discussed years ago when mum knew what she wanted so it does help to know that we talked about these things and i am doing what she asked me to do..
i just don't want to have to do this!!!! as someone else said, when it is your family member you don't get to switch off and go home... here i am up at 2 am again, trying to catch up on my own work and sort through a lifetime of papers (she has kept EVERYTHING, absolutely everything)....
my health backgound means that people expect more of me and also that I have no illusions about the reality this situation at all. so i am hoping that here amongst you all i can just be my mums daughter who is devastated by what is happening and needing support
thanks for listening, i have had a good cry and a cuppa....
Sit down and take a few very deep breaths. Tell yourself that the past is gone and you can't do anything to fix it. My Mom's life savings went to the nursing home before she got poor enough to get on Medicaid (State operated health insurance for the indigent.) It's gone and that's all there is to it.
Your Mom was the victim of a con artist. One more reason for anyone with a relative starting to act "odd" to keep a closer watch - but it's too late now. Let it go.
You have 3 priorities. You have to keep yourself well and rested enough to hold down your job and get your business off the ground.
You have to be a partner to your husband and a good mother to your grown up children.
You have to get your mother into the care program she NEEDS right now, not "try to keep her home as long as possible." My last post was on this same subject, so I won't repeat myself.
Keeping the AD patient at home is not necessarily an act of kindness or caring but prolongs the agony and makes the final move harder.
You are not alone. We have all been through this or are still in the middle of it Some of us are 'survivors' of AD care. We ranted and raved, tore our hair out and knocked our heads against walls. We reasoned and explained to the AD person, and repeated all of the above the next day. We were criticised by the relatives and pooh poohed by the neighbors. We were hated by the patient. Sometimes hit or threatened. Even their doctors didn't believe us.
Being in the health field does not make you a natural to be your Mom's caregiver. People told me that - "You teach 3 and 4 year olds so taking care of your Mom at this stage should be a piece of cake." NOT! She is your mother, an authority and respect person in your life, not an anonymous patient. She should be cared for by those trained to care for anonymous patients.
Good luck with it. I am glad your husband and children are supportive.
It sounds like you have a mess on your hands, but that you are quite capable of taking care of your mom and her "giant mess"!!!
You are both so young, to handle this terrible disease! I do feel for you. So, is your mom still living by herself? Can she?
I laughed at the big giant tons of papers and many other things. That is my mom and my dad. I know where and what most of the paper stuff is. And only throw away stuff that is over 10 yrs. old. They would yell. They used to and still try to, keep the envelopes on bills and everything else!!! I chunk the envelopes, when I see them...
Now my moms "stuff" is another matter. And I cannot touch that yet. There are about 7 closets full of stuff and clothes. And underbeds and in dressers.
We have been very fortunate (unlike you and your mom), that their money is still there. But that is one of my biggest worries. I am more worried about my dad giving money to one grand (or great) child and then none to the others. I sure would like to take their checkbooks, but they are not ready for that.
So, how did it come about that your mom cannot drive? And she does not?
And your mom does not care (being in the same house and watching you) that you are chunking her stuff???? Mine would be having fits!!! :>
Take care of you and do not feel guilty and do not wear yourself out.
I don't think you are in the US - but here if a person isn't competent to make decisions there may be some recourse. It may be worth getting legal advice -sometimes a stern letter from a lawyer gets results.
Also - try to move away from the goal of "keeping her at home as long as possible" and work towards "making sure she has the care she needs." We were trying to keep my Dad home - but being home didn't have the same meaning for him and it was causing him stress. He was surrounded by stuff he couldn't deal with, couldn't watch TV, couldn't read, couldn't do any of his hobbies any more and had a bunch of people (wife, sister, daughter) who would never have been making decisions before for him doing just that.
In a NH his life was a lot simpler and there was much more activity. At home he was pretty isolated - but at the NH he could people watch. He lived there 3 years, I don't think he would have lasted that long if we had him at home.
You will see that many of the wonderful, caring, people here kept there loved-ones at home and cared for them. Most everyone found this to be a stressful experience, that wore them and their families down. Nursing home placement is beneficial because you can go see your mom, but you are not always responsible for her 24/7. You don't say what you healthcare background is exactly, so I don't know if you are a nurse or what. This may be helpful because you would have more insight into the appropriate interventions, medications, etc. My grandpa and I cared for my grandma for about two years before she was placed in the nursing home where she is now. He'd been caring for her longer, but it wasn't until then that I stepped up to the plate and really took charge of the care. He was becoming far too overhwelmed, even with home helath and an aide for a few hours a day. I think, though, that the experience I had caring for her was way more positive than it was negative. I learned a great deal about patience and creativity. This experience has further shaped me into the excelent nurse I will become. I would not have traded it for anything in the world. Good luck with your decission!
just need to get let it all out (long post) 
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