My Dad Won't Visit His Dying Mother... - Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

eschultz00 · 09-18-2006, 02:16 PM

My mom just called me and told me my Grandmother (fathers mom) is in the end stage of her Alzheimer's and will die within the next few weeks. She is located in North Carolina and my parents are in California. My mom also told me that they will wait till the funeral and that my dad wouldnt be seeing her before then. This made me upset because I thought and told my Mom "If you were dying from whatever, natural causes or cancer or Alzheimer's it wouldn't matter I would still go see you." I understand she may not remember him, but to see her one last time before passing would be a MUST in my book. My dad says that he's not seeing her before passing because he has too many good memories of her and he wouldn't want to see her that way... Now, what I automatically thought was "So your saying that because you had good memories of your mother you can't go see her like this, but.. what is the alternative that would make you wanna see her then? You sure as hell wouldn't wanna go see her if you had bad memories, so which is it?" I just can't seem to understand his logic, I don't see how seeing and touching his mom for the last time EVER wouldn't give him some sort of closure. Also keep in mind he hasnt really "spoken" with his mom for about 6 or 7 years and when he did see her when he came down for his fathers funeral she thought he was her husband, whom just died. So.... my big question to everyone out there is:

. Would you go see your dying parent one last time, no matter what the

situation may be?

. Would you be upset with your mom or dad for not seeing theyre loved ones?

. Has anyone ever experienced a loved one either dying with or has really bad Alzheimer's suddenly

remembering you or someone they knew?

. Do Alzheimer's patients remember everything but can't get it out? Could my grandmother seek closure for

HERSELF by seeing my Dad? and he doesn't realize it?
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Any responses are greatly appreciated and thanks to anyone who does

Martha H · 09-18-2006, 02:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by eschultz00

my big question to everyone out there is:

. Would you go see your dying parent one last time, no matter what the

situation may be?

. Would you be upset with your mom or dad for not seeing theyre loved ones?

. Has anyone ever experienced a loved one either dying with or has really bad Alzheimer's suddenly

remembering you or someone they knew?

. Do Alzheimer's patients remember everything but can't get it out? Could my grandmother seek closure for

HERSELF by seeing my Dad? and he doesn't realize it?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Any responses are greatly appreciated and thanks to anyone who does

Dear Friend,

I would go; nothing could keep me away from my Mom. She is in a nursing home for Demetia, and it is a long flight away from me (I have to take a local flight to a big city and from there fly to New York, and then take a subway and then a railroad.) I go every 3 months or so.

She does not know me when I speak on the phone, but when I get there and we talk, she senses something familiar about me and accepts that I am her daughter.

Many people are afraid of Azheimer's and even more afraid of death and dying. Often these irrational fears keep them away. I had relatives who stayed away from the funeral of my Dad although they were his brother and sister in law. "We don't do funerals," they announced. They are both gone now and we did not go to their funerals either. Sad!

I hope you can persuade your Dad to go. I understand why this upsets you.

I don't know if the person can suddenly regain his memory, but I do think he will feel the love and know it is someone who meant much to him in the past.

I hope your dad reconsiders, or talks out his fears with a therapist ... he will be stronger for it, if he can get himself to do it.

Love,

Martha

LuvMyLilDoggie · 09-18-2006, 04:47 PM

I've had experience with dying AD relatives and I've had the unfortunate experience of losing two brothers and I'm losing a sister to lung cancer. One of my brothers died a sudden death but my other brother died of throat cancer that went to his lungs. I was hesitant to visit my brother who lived several states away from me. I didn't go see him right away and I really wasn't sure why. I used the excuse that I needed to have work done on my car. But it wasn't until my brother's funeral that I realized the REAL reasons I didn't go see him sooner.

I did go see my brother before he died and now I'm glad I did. But at the time, I was a mess. My brother and I hadn't spoken really except for once since my mom had died. He had a very different lifestyle than I and we really didn't have much in common. But at his funeral, I broke down and I almost wound up in the hospital myself. That was when I realized that all that I had hoped for in my brother's and my relationship didn't happen and was never going to happen. This was it. It was final, even before he died (he was in a coma when I found out he had cancer). My brother and I would never have the chance to recover those years that were lost before he died. And then the guilt flooded in. We live life and tend not to think much in years. But as we grow older, it seems the years go by much faster and pretty soon, someone faces death. What I realized at my brother's funeral was that my feelings of guilt kept me from going to see him. I hadn't spoken to him for several years because I couldn't bear to see him the way he was-sick with severe alcoholism.

If you ask me if I would go see my dad with AD if he were on his deathbed, the answer would be yes. I'd go in a minute. But you see, I don't have any guilt or regrets where my dad is concerned so I guess that's the difference between him and my brother.

When my brother was dying, I cried. I felt tremendous pain and loss and no one knew. In my opinion, your dad should go see his mom. But that's just my opinion. I don't know your dad or what he's feeling but I suspect that deep down, he's in more pain than you can see. Unfortunately, you can't force him to do what he doesn't want to do. Just because he doesn't do what other's think is the right thing to do doesn't mean that he doesn't love his mom and miss her very much. I know you're thinking he has a strange way of showing it. But it's the only way he can cope with it now. I suspect he either does or will have many regrets concerning both his not speaking to his mom for so long and his not visiting her before her passing.

Be prepared to see a whole different side of your dad after your grandmother's passing.

I'm not trying to defend your dad but I can kind of understand where he's coming from. And I'll bet he has a LOT of anger at AD and at himself, guilt for not spend more time with your grandmother before she got so ill and who knows what else? Usually in a time like this, one tends to think of the past with all it's greatness and all it's dispair. I'm actually going through that right now with my sister. I hope that I'll be able to go see her before she passes. But now I find myself making excuses not to go again just like with my brother. And the biggest reason this time for not going? I'm TERRIFIED! I don't want there to be a last time I see my sister and if I go there, that may just be what it is-the last time. How selfish is that??? I know it's extremely selfish because my sister must be feeling 1,000 times more terrified than I am. I have to see her. And I will see her God willing before she goes. I'll get over this fear. I hope your dad will too.

Love and big hugs,

Barb

angel_bear · 09-18-2006, 04:50 PM

Well, I hope you don't mind me popping in here, but unfortunately, I'm one of those people from the other side of the fence.

I would rather NOT see anybody I love and care about in those last stages. To have those last pictures as my last memories of them would haunt me forever. It was hard leaving my ex-charges, but I still have fond memories, not imminent death memories ...

My relatives and friends have always died suddenly, and it was only with my ex-charges I was faced with eventually slow death and that was so painful to go through ... knowing no matter what I did, they were still going to die anyway ... and avoidance was and still is my only coping skill.

I'm trying to learn to deal with it, but from my standpoint it's the hardest thing anybody could ask me to do.

mamaduck4 · 09-18-2006, 05:18 PM

How sad not to be able to put bad memories aside and pay your last respects to a loved one. It would tear me apart to not be able to say goodby. I would think it would haunt me the rest of my life. None of us want to die alone. You only have one mother and maybe she wasn't the best, but she is the woman who gave you life. I don't know what happened in their lives that they were not speaking for such a long time but isn't it time to put all that aside and forgive and forget?

I know your dad will always regret it if he chooses not to go. I hope he reconsiders for his sake.

Jan