It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 10-07-2006, 04:38 AM   #1
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 101
zonk HB User
family gathering.inaustralia we call it a barbeque

well, I took mum to my brother in laws for a barbeque this afternoon. they had all not seen my mum for some time. After 5 minutes mum was in tears...(too Cold) it was 29 degrees today(dont know farenheit) but it was sunbaking weather.
10 minutes later visibly upset again, so i fed her (again)
managed to stay another half an hour before she became EXTREMELY distressed
It became obvious that it was all too much for her so I gave up and left....mum crying all the way down the driveway and out to the car
"im sorry" she said ...me..dont worry about it ...I was ready to go anyway
"whats wrong?" I asked...bearing in mind that my DH family is noisy,bousterous (spelling?)and numerous
her reply..."there were all those people that I didnt know walking and talking and shouting and it scared me" I didnt leave her side the whole time we were there
Twice we left the gathering, once for the toilet, once to go home...each time as we walked out I heard the collective OMG coming from DH`s family.
NOW they understand why I cant be or do all the things they expect me to be or do

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 10-07-2006, 04:51 AM   #2
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Martha H's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Middlebury, IN
Posts: 4,695
Martha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB User
Re: family gathering.inaustralia we call it a barbeque

It is good that they finally understand! Hearing about things is not nearly as good as seeing it with your own eyes.

Maybe now there will be some help for you?

My Mom used to love large family gatherings but the last few were a disaster.

I think the many faces and everyone talking at once is just too confusing, and while she can 'bluff' and try to sound sensible one to one, there is no way she can make anything but a terrible impression on a large , noisy and boisterous crowd.

I hope there will now be more help and understanding forthcoming .. ask for it, don't expect volunteers. The main feeling at the barbecue may have been - thank God SHE is taking care of Mom, I could never do it!

But they have to do their share!

Love,

Martha

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 10-07-2006, 04:59 AM   #3
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,518
angel_bear HB Userangel_bear HB Userangel_bear HB Userangel_bear HB Userangel_bear HB Userangel_bear HB Userangel_bear HB Userangel_bear HB Userangel_bear HB User
Re: family gathering.inaustralia we call it a barbeque

Hi Zonk ..

I remember our last family BBQ ... poor ex-charge just didn't cope with a loud, busy family and friends, all in her face, asking her how she is, what's she been up to .. all the 'typical' questions you and I can handle was all too much for her ..

She ended up trying to hide in her lounge chair and watch TV (her routine) but people just kept coming in an annoying her ..

And boy O Boy did we have some advanced behaviours that night trying to settle her down .. sheesh !! But she just couldn't help it .. big gatherings, we discovered, were beyond her ...

So sad when they get to that stage, because quiet informal isn't nearly as fun ... :-)

Hugs .. hope the family appreciate you a little bit more now

 
Old 10-07-2006, 05:21 AM   #4
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 101
zonk HB User
Re: family gathering.inaustralia we call it a barbeque

hi girls, I am surprised martha is here at this time of day. i fully expected that mum would have problems with the family BBQ, at least now they wont be giving me grief if I decline to host the christmas lunch. my MIL was there, she was the one who on being told mum had alzheimers did the "oh, we all have memory problems....it wont kill her"
I think today was an eye opener for her, and as we left I said "sorry I havent been to visit you more often things have been a bit hectic"...she gave me an "understanding" look
hows the weather in bundi sally?

 
Old 10-07-2006, 08:09 AM   #5
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 44
onemorething HB User
Re: family gathering.inaustralia we call it a barbeque

First time I went to Europe on business I had to navigate the Brussels Belgium airport alone. People rushing through, flashing neon signs with luggage info, clearing customs and hearing people talking in 10 different lauguages, not a one English.

I'd been 12 hours on airplanes (hate to fly) and was beat. It was soooo stressful. When I finally did hear some British folks I went over to them and asked them a very simple question. I was polite. "Excuse me, can you help me just a minute". He said "When you get a new President we'll be glad too" and walked away. (And this was before the current one!)

I flashed on this experience as you described your poor Mum having to try to cope with the barbeque. And bless your heart for working with her. People (Mother-in-law for you, Uncle for me) just have a hard time accepting AZ. I don't know why it is but people who would NEVER argue with you if you told them you Mum had heart disease, will question the AZ. As others have said, maybe now it can open them up and they can start to understand. And help.

Hope you at least got a bite or two of yummie food! Been ages since I've been to a barbeque and with summer passing here, it will be a bit longer. Not that I need it anyway!!!! <me be plump >

 
Old 10-07-2006, 01:27 PM   #6
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,518
angel_bear HB Userangel_bear HB Userangel_bear HB Userangel_bear HB Userangel_bear HB Userangel_bear HB Userangel_bear HB Userangel_bear HB Userangel_bear HB User
Re: family gathering.inaustralia we call it a barbeque

Hi Zonk

Warming up nicely thanks !!! A pleasant steady 27C, although no sign of rain which is what we could REALLY do with !!

It's quite exciting now .. since July they've been harvesting the Sugar Cane around here, so what was lush green fields are now cut down and leaving bald spots ... the regrowth is fast .. and every morning on my way to work there is a family of ducks .. when we moved here there were about 6 ducks, now, only 10 months later, there's about 15 of them !!

But back to large groups and Dementia. I have found in quite a few facilities that their 'dementia specific' groups are small .. 10 - 20 people in a big block .. enough space not to get under each others feet, and enough space not to feel crowded .. although there is another facility I know of that has 30 Dementia specific residents and it's ALWAYS crowded ... and they wonder why they have behaviours?? I can't change facilities, but I can try and change peoples outlook on things !!

Still, I'm hoping for your sake Zonk that people took notice of Mum's distress and will 'get it' in future. Unfortunately most times, when you think some people have 'got it' they go right back into denial : fingers crossed for you!

Cheers

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
family relationship issue AliceT Relationship Health 26 09-25-2008 06:19 AM
Juggling Work And Family Life cindys601 Multiple Sclerosis 9 11-14-2007 05:10 PM
Any cute ways to tell family expecting? brooklynngruber Pregnancy 8 06-29-2007 11:00 PM
Anyone have family who are telling you to get over it and get on with it already Liamsmom Autism Spectrum 8 04-18-2006 08:06 AM
dont enjoy bfs family get togethers help!! stay2gether Relationship Health 10 01-08-2006 02:58 PM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Sign Up Today!

Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

I want my free account

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:49 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!