Hi, my dad is 87 and he was living alone in a >55yo community independently, but then he started forgeting where he parked his car and shouting and accusing his neighbors,My brother took him in his home april 2005 and I was taking him to my house for a couple days a week. My father was very demanding and wanted to be waited on hand and foot. One time in november, He asked my sister in law for pepsi and when she gave it to him he pounded his fists and screamed "I didn't want pepsi, I want what you have" Then on 12/24/05 I was picking him up as usual and he refused to go back and they did not want him back. I have had him ever since then. My brother is durable power of attorney and has only seen dad twice in 10 months. I have 2 sisters and 1 brother and nobody helps. He does not want to go to assisted living and I work fulltime. I don't want him to live here any more but I can't just throw him out because that would be elderly neglect. Can I legally drop him off at my brothers house since he is durable power of attorney ? Please help me with a solution
It is not right that you should have the whole burden while your brother calls every now and then. You have to share the care with him - and your two sisters - equally! Since he does not want your dad back in his home, and you are suffering with his behavior, you may have to sit down with your brother and sisters and figure out a way he can be in a nursing home, family home, or other full time care. If your Dad has money, he will have to pay for his own care. My Mom did that until her money ran out. An elderlawyer advised us to pay for her funeral in advance and to pay his fee out of Mom's money. Then when it got to the point where she only had $1,200 left, Medicaid accepted her and they now pay for the nursing home in return for her social security check. She gets to keep a small allowance for such things as hairvcuts, outings, etc.
Mom is much happier in the NH than any of us could have expected.
It is too hard for you to work and take care of an angry and disruptive AD patient. You don't need a doctor's diagnosis to place him in a home. A doctor who had a printed list of all the changes and behaviors you see in him would probably diagnose Alzheimer's .... but these patients are really good at pretending to be normal!
But I am sure the NH doctor would notice it all on his own.
There are good, lovng NHs out there, and it is time for you and your siblings to sit down together and find a solution.
Then you pack his things and take him there. "this is your new home," or "you will be staying here for awhile." Make it as easy for yourself as possible .. leave and let him adjust for a week or so ... then go back for a visit 2x a week. Many of us on this Board have been through it and it was hard, but the improvelent in your own life is amazing.
Above all, you are not responsible ALONE for yur father's care - he had FOUR children!
Have you talked to your brother about placing your dad in a NH? Did he refuse? It sounds like you and your brother live fairly close to one another and he's only seen his dad twice in 10 months? On my dad's POA, we have an alternate POA if the original person backs out. Does your dad's POA have that?
I can't imagine how on earth you're coping with a full time job and caregiving to your dad. My heart goes out to you really. I don't have my dad with me anymore. He's with my sister now. And honestly, I don't know how I coped for as long as I did.
This sounds to me like it would be a good idea to pay a visit to an Elder Attorney. I did that, just recently and really found it to be very informative. My daughter and son-in-law went with me to help absorb all the info. It is a little costly but in my opinion well worth every cent. The last thing you need is to be saddled with all the work, etc. and your brother hold all the cards.
If you do not mind me asking, how much was just the one visit with and Elder Attorney and how long did it last? Did yall ask him, how much it would cost to have him handle things concerning your ad patient?
The one my brother consulted in New York about Mom's medical care charged $200 for the initial visit, and altogether $10,000 to do all the paperwork necessary to get her on Medicaid. If you remember, he didn't really do that much himself - but he did know exactly what was needed and made sure my brother gathered together all the papers. For anyone contemplating getting Medicaid to pay for a parent's nursing home, you have to save records of all financial transactions for the past 5 years. If your parent made any financial gifts to a family member during those five years, they have to be given back. At least that was the law in NY State
It took about 5 months to get it all together and filed, but then they took over the NH fee retroactively to the day Mom's money was down to the maximum allowed, $2,100. Each state is different. Mom did not own a home, and in many states your home is exempt from the 'spending down' process. Maybe that is only so if your marriage partner lives with you in the house, so they don't take away his home from under him.
I paid $1500 for an elder attorney to set up Durable Power of Attorney, Health Care proxy, wills and Life Estate for my parents home (home went in children's name with life estate meaning parents live until death). It took a couple of hours in her office.
I recently learned that when I did this in 2004 the look back was three years and since it was changed in February 2006 to the five year look back, my transactions remain grandfathered meaning they stay with the three year look back since I did this prior to Feb. 06.
I also just found out that the look back period for a Home Health Care aid is only one month - that is amazing to me - seems like Medicaid wants people to stay in their own homes. I have to find out more about that - but I think it means you can transfer the funds of parents to children say in March and then you can have Medicaid pay for the home care say in April.
I live in New York so I don't know if the laws in other states are the same.
No, I don't mind but you must understand that it depends on the area where you live. They all have their prices anywhere from $150.00 an hour up to and I'm sure exceeding $250.00. They also have their legal assistants that charge around $100.00 to $150.00 per hour.
I suggest that if you decide to go, and I strongly recommend it to anyone in this type of situation, you do your homework first. By that I mean make a list of all your questions before you go in, have all your insurance information such as health and life, any accounts (bank, savings, bonds, etc.), power of attorney, anything that might be of value for them to know.
Hopefully this will be of help to you or someone else on this board. I have learned so much here that I am eager to share any information that I may have.
Thanks to all who gave me the elder attorney info. It would be nice to go, but my sis and I would probably have to pay for it, if it was done now.
I do not have to worry about the look back years. My parents are spend thrifts. I tried to get them to give each grandchild $1,000. for Christmas last year. That way my sister and I would not be greedy in their eyes. They do love us and appreciate us taking care of them, but still think that we want their money!!! Even tho, I tell them, that the government is going to get it all, eventually. The reason for the 6 grandkids, is they had 3 daughters originally and each daughter had 2 children. Then it would have been very equal and fair and only $6,000.
I really think it is too late for gifts with my parents. They give me $20. gas money sometime. I live 1 hr. away. And I go there 1, 2, and up per week depending on what is happening that week.
I will talk with my sister about the elder attorney, but will hold off on talking to our parents about this. My dad has a pacemaker procedure in a week, and then my mom has a colonoscopy procedure about 3 days after, so we will all 4 be doing good to survive that week end good and medium spirits!!!
But, I do think it would be wise for my sister and me to contact some elder attorneys and get their prices and see how many are around my parents are.
Thanks again, everyone.
Last edited by WannaBeFreeToRoam; 10-19-2006 at 03:22 PM.
I am responding regarding my experience with eldercare lawyers. Some lawyers will give free consultations and others will charge. The one that I saw charged me was 95.00 which obviously is not there hourly rate. I met with a different one just to compare and they charge 205/hr. It doesn't hurt to call around. I am seeking guardianship which runs about 1500 with no complications. Hope I helped. ann
Thanks for the new info. I think I will call around and see how much $ and such. Do you have to bring any papers on your 1 st consultation???
That might be hard for me to do. I usually try to talk my mom into something - or just talk about it and let her know what there is to do. But, she must bet getting a little worse, because she does not remember what was said, most of the time.