It's been quite awhile since I have wrote although I do check in
from time to time and read your post's. My heart is always so touched and also saddened by reading some of your desperate pleas for help. The truth is I no longer believe their is any help or end to this tormenting disease although I assume one day it will take it's toll and the dreaded thing we call AD will have taken it's next victim (my mom). The worst part is I almost pray for it daily now even though because of all my bitterness I doubt GOD even hears me. Mother went through a fairly good stage but of course it's back to the reality hell agian. She is now having to recieve injections sometimes daily just to calm her. She fights continually almost with the staff so far she hasnt hit any residents.
Yesterday they had to write two incident reports because she scratched one nurse and bruised another. She is constantly walking the floor and trying to get out of that place because she is looking for every step of the way. I feel just as overwhelmed as her because their is no solution. I tried slowing my visits down to once a week and that didnt help her at all then if I go more she just does good while Im there and the next day back to terror.Looking for me or her mother constantly. I feel so out of control, to see my little mother trying to fight people and upsetting herself and others this way is just so devastating for me. I really want to just dissapear from the whole world.
There is a lady in my FIL's AD unit that sounds a lot like your mother. She seemed fine at first, but then began to go down rapidly. She used to walk constantly, but now stays in her bed. She apparently feels a lot of pain when she is touched now as well. She is one of the younger ones in the unit and it is really sad. I don't know what I would do if my FIL was this way.
We visited him today and he was very alert, but withdrawn. He is still fascinated by his walker and plays with it constantly, ignoring us totally. Is your mother talking gibberish at this stage? The lady in my FIL's unit began talking that way before she started her rapid decline.
Jess, don't have much time, but just wanted to say I am so sorry and I hear you....I will be thinking of you and will send one up for you. I too was at a point once where I was mad at God, that was 30 years ago. I must add time does help to heal. I have since been through some other times that were pure Hell on earth, and this time I turned to my faith. I am sorry about your Mom. I haven't walked in those shoes yet with my Mom. WE did go through some horrible times with my Dad. It's almost like there is no end in sight. Sometimes life does get so very hard at times. You are not alone, this happens to everyone sooner or later. I hope you can hang in there and hope you are able to get some peace and some R & R. Take care, C
I wish there was some way to make it all better... I am concerned for you, because I have wanted to "disappear" so many times. Please try to find something to nurture yourself. Do something you enjoy - that feeds your soul. God understands your bitterness and he still hears your prayers. He still loves you. I don't know why God doesn't heal those who suffer from this - but I do believe He gives strength to endure. I know He has in my life through my mom's mental illness, through an assault, through a difficult marriage, through my own deep depression, through a year of unemployment, and so it continues. Life is so hard. I want an "escape" so often (thus my screen name). But God keeps giving me strength to continue on - and I hope He will you too. He does understand what you're feeling. Please let those around you give you support and do something special for yourself and try to let go the agony of what your mom is going through while you care for your needs for at least a little while. It's so sad that what we do doesn't make that much difference for them at the point of the disease where your mom is currently. She would not want you to disappear from life. She would not want you to be in such pain. For her sake, please take care of you.
Thanks to all who responded to me, the encouragement always means alot. I
hear alot of responses of take care of myself and I know that makes perfect sense because how can I get the strength to go on when Im so low myself.
I decided to take a few days of sabbatical and not visit mother for a few days just to regroup. My sister said she will visit her tommorow so I will wait until Sunday and me and DH will go together. They are sugggesting giving mother a shot every two weeks of halodol decol ( not sure how to spell ) but supposedly it stays in the system longer and maybe that way they will be able to cut down on the injections she's been recieving. She is almost impossible to take her meds as she fights them continually about taking their dope as she calls it. As for the question is mother babbling the answer is no mother is able to still talk, walk, clean her room and thinks she is fine. Her personal independance is what forced me to have to place her when I did.
She is able to still write and occasionally I find little notes around her room that she leaves although her spelling is not so good now. Most of the notes are the same" God please help me to be a lady and take me home with you..."
I want to bring her home agian and try to keep her even have contemplated lately of quitting my job and devoting it full time. Before I placed mother she was not on as good of medicine and she still had her homes that we kept running back in forth too. My son is buying and renovating those so that's eliminated and she still has a bedroom at my home. It's just that I know my help will be limited and Im afraid if it got to much placing her agian would be even worse for her and me. So probably not the best idea....... Oh well another day..........
Jess, bringing her back into your home will only make matters worse for both of you. Moving your mom in her condition will just confuse her even more. Please don't be angry with me for saying what I'm about to say but are you considering moving your mom back in with you mostly because you think it's best for her or or partly to ease your own pain? If your mom is trying to leave the facility and hitting workers there, chances are that within a few days of moving in with you, she'll do the same to you. And what if she gets out and gets lost or hurt? Right now, you are a visitor to her. She's going to be on her best behavior with you because you are the visitor. You are not the "mean" people who are "doping her up". If she moves in with you, you will become those people to her. And if you move her back in with you, there will be no rest or cutting back on visits to recoup.
Please Jess, look back at some of your old posts. I think we all go through our own crises as our loved ones decline. But the thing we have to remember is that it DOES get better. My grandmother went through a very combative stage and my dad did too although not as bad as my grandmother. Grandma got very violent and hateful in the mid stages. But when she reverted back to her childhood, she couldn't have been a more happy and content little ole lady. She was very sweet and pleasant to be around. She never went back to the hatefulness and violence. Your mom will get there too. She'll be happy again.
You'll pull through this, Jess. You have family who love you very much. No they don't understand fully what you're going through but at least they try, right? I know you have at least one son who loves you and is very concerned about you. And I know you're a very proud mom.
God IS listening to you. And He ALWAYS answers our prayers. The trouble is that God sometimes gives us an answer we don't like. But only He knows what's best.
Say the Serenity Prayer as much as you need. I know this sounds silly but it helps me to calm down and open my mind and heart up enough to be able to make better decisions.
Just thinking of you, Jess. I hope you're not mad at me. I remember a few months ago when I was going to go to my sister's house and bring dad home with me because I found out my sister was/is taking him for a financial ride. I was mad at her and wrote here that I was going to go there and get him.
The guilt I felt for letting him go there in the first place was overwhelming to me. My feelings of guilt were short circuiting my ability to think with my mind and not my heart. And I know when that happens, I make a lot of decisions that are not only not good for ME but for EVERYONE concerned.
I posted here about my decision to go "right away" to get dad and bring him home with me. A lot of people responded to me and told me pretty much the same thing: DON'T GO!!! All of them made me think about it but it was angel_bear's response to me that really got me thinking. She told me what caring for her ex-charges did to her and her family. That got me thinking because I have a son just a couple of years older than hers. I am forever grateful for everyone's honest opinions here. Whether I agree with the opinions or not, it always gives me something to think about.
Btw, I left my dad where he was. I've finally accepted that I'm not strong enough emotionally to do the "living with dad" thing again.
Go with what your mind is telling you. And whatever decision you make, let go of the negative feelings. After you've done that, your heart will begin to heal.
Live, Love, Laugh.
Last edited by LuvMyLilDoggie; 11-04-2006 at 04:57 PM.
Like you, I'm constantly questioning myself. Did I put mom in a home too soon. Could I bring her back with me now that she has better meds. I've tried visiting twice a week, once a week, and skipping a week. Nothing changes.
Mom is angry and upset and wants her brother. Though he is still alive, he is 84 no longer drives, and lives across the country and knows that he could not care for her. He watched her younger brother die from AD, also.
Every time I convince myself that I should bring her home, I remember that last week that she lived with me. She refused to eat, attacked me daily, and searched for ways to escape and run away.
I think we're so upset, mostly, because there is no way to help them. Having that "caretaking personality," we want to do something to make it better. And nothing does. It is the hardest thing to accept. At least for me it is.
I have the same argument as you, with myself, almost weekly. But, deep down, I know I couldn't do it. I was totally overwhelmed when I had her with me before. I just couldn't cope.
So we have to do the best we can for ourselves, to keep us strong for those visits with them. Know that this isn't our "real mom" but the impostor. And keep on doing what we're doing to survive this awful disease.
Thinking about you Jess, and you're in my prayers.