I just got back from a wonderful 4 day trip to Miami to visit my son who is a grad student there. The best part was meeting his lovely girlfriend! My daughter, Son in Law and 2 grandchildren were there too, and in spite of torrential rain and overcast the whole time (we saw the sun again when we landed in Chicago this afternoon!) we had a great time.
When I got home I heard from my brother that Mom is deteriorating. Not interested at all in food. Someone has to feed her if she is to eat at all. Not interested in talking, and doesn't care if she is outdoors or in. He thinks her time is coming to an end. This is sad. Please understand that even though she is 98 and I have had a Mommy decades longer than most people, I am saddened by the thought she may be leaving us. I know in her state of dementia her life is not of a very good quality any more. Yet I feel so sad to think she may be going.
My sister and BIL are going to visit her after Thanksgiving. I hope they get to see her alive.
I'm happy to hear you went to visit your son and meet his girlfriend. It sounds like you had a wonderful time despite the rain.
I'm so sorry your mom is getting worse. I understand your feelings very well. I felt that way too about my grandma. She was 93 when she passed of a stomach aneurism. The doctors wanted to operate and she chose not to let them. I secretly prayed that she would change her mind those hours before she passed. She told me that she'd lived her life already and that she was tired. But still I wanted my grandma around for as long as possible.
I lost my mom in 1993. I was 31, she was 67. But if she were 110 when she passed and I was 74, I would have missed her and wanted her here with me just as much.
Your mom is your mom no matter how old or how sick she is with dementia. So it's understandable that you feel sad.
Just keep talking to people (that includes your cyberbuddies here).
I'll continue to pray for peace for your mom, you and all of your family. God is with you all.
I am sorry that your mom is not doing well. But I am glad that you went to Miami and had fun. Sort of like a family reunion.
Just remember that your mom has lived a long long time and that you got to enjoy and go thru her good and bad times with her. Remember the best of times. And pray that she goes without pain.
im so sorry your mom is so unwell but your also so lucky you had her for so long my nan died at 78 she was a mom to me and would have done anything to spend just one more day six year later and i still miss her so much so make the most of her while you have her best wishesxxx
im so sorry your mom is so unwell but your also so lucky you had her for so long my nan died at 78 she was a mom to me and would have done anything to spend just one more day six year later and i still miss her so much so make the most of her while you have her best wishesxxx
Bless you Martha,
so sorry to hear your mums time of passing is close...its so hard isnt it?
i know it is of no importance to say that your mum has lived so long...it doesnt matter how old they are when they die...it still devastates us and hurts us.
i think that you will handle this with grace and sensibilty, no doubt you have thought and worried about this scenario many times.
may I suggest you start planning her funeral now (if you havent already) as trying to plan a funeral whilst grief stricken is tooooo overwhelming..speaking from experience.(my dad)
please stay on this board to help others afterward...when you can manage...
love the post title....thats an euphanisim if I have ever heard one.
I spoke to a friend today who works as a high level care nurse in nursing homes and she advised me "do not resucitate"
she says that tube feeding is cruel and prolongs suffering and pain...and I agree...have you considered these situations?
I have and I will not hesitate to let mum go if she gets to that stage..if it was me I imagine that I wouldnt want to be tube fed and intubated etc etc
we all have our time on earth...I wouldn t put my dog through (my darling baby) what my mum is going through and I havent even got her in a NH yet.
we like to hang on but eventually we have to let go....patients welfare being the MOST important thing.who are we to know what its like and shall we ever?
Thanks for your encouraging words. My Mom signed a 'do not resuscitate' order a few years ago when she had an episode of congestive heart failure. She will not be fed intravenously either. She is just eating less and less and responding less and less, and I really do see it as a sort of slipping away from this life. (yet she has surprised us all numerous times by bouncing back!)
We did plan her funeral months ago when she was forced to spend her money down to get into Medicaid. It will be both a celebration of her life and a time of sad leave-taking.
It's strange but something we all face sooner or later.
I'm so sorry to hear about your mom, Martha. No matter how old, or demented they are...they are still our loved ones. My mom said to me yesterday, after yelling at me about something, but then apologizing for yelling at me a few minutes later, that she didn't know why I continue to try to help her and do things for her when she is 'so mean' to me. I hugged her, and cried and said it's because I love her.
It's so sad to watch this illness take our loved ones away from us so slowly.
We spoke to our sister, and she agreed that no feeding tubes should be used. Mom made that very clear before she got this sick. Her own words were :
NO heroic measures!
NO feeding tubes!
I want to be allowed to keep my dignity.
That was very important to her. I am relieved that E agrees, because the family can override the patient's earlier requests if they think it is best for her. In my opinion it is best for Mom to leave this world (but probably only because I believe in heaven - if I didn't, I would probably want her to cling to life, such as it is, even longer.)
I am not booking a flight to NY just yet, but as soon as it is clearly the end stage, I will do that. I'm so happy I saw Mom in September-early October when she was still fairly alert.
Dear Martha,
Im so sorry to here you could be losing your mom in the near future... Of course it is very natural to be sad, I know you love your mom very much. Someone said to me the other day "Your mom is almost 83 she's had a long life" and I know that's true but it doesnt take away the fact it is still our Mom's and we just have a longer history to appreciate. I remember one post of your's some time back where you talked about how your mom helped you through a difficult time during your divorce etc. Those are things most important to us, memories of how our mom's cared for us and stood by us. My heart goes out to you, E, and Bill. It's funny because we are building memories for our sons also. Im sure your visit to Miami made your son so happy. Martha, Im saddened by this also because you are such an important part of this board, you helped me early on when I first came to this place for help and I always look for your posts. I remember so many of your posts about your mother. Remember when you posted about how she thought she was living in a fancy resort not a NH!!lol
I got a kick out of that..... My prayers and wishes for an easy time for your
mom if she does begin to pepare for her new life. I too believe in Heaven although I've been mad at times at God. I do believe they have a home waiting for them................................. jess
Today my brother reports that, although Mom does not have much appetite, she ate a piece of the bread they had taken down to feed the birds with! She just forgot it was for the birds and ate it herself. Automatically. It is almost as if she had decided not to eat, but once outside and distracted, she ate.
The other day Bill brought her some home made ravioli he had made - and she ate a good portion of that too. Maybe she is going to hang on awhile longer yet!
Maybe your mom doesn't like the food there anymore? Wouldn't that be something if all that was wrong with her eating habits (or lack thereof) is that she's getting picky?
Hi Martha, I know what you're going through cuz I'm going through it too. My mom is also slipping. She won't eat and doesn't want to take her meds. She has been at nursing home a few weeks. I know she hates it. A friend once told me that this type of disease is harder on the family as the patient doesn't really know what is going on, but I think they have some clue. I know my mom's time is nearing to an end (she's late 80s) I will miss her dearly. I can't even imagine her not being in my life, even though she hasn't really been here with us since this disease has taken her memory, etc. No matter what age, we miss our parents. I have both parents so I don't know what the loss of a parent feels like but I don't relish the idea when it happens. I know she will be in a better place free of this horrible disease. Hang in there Martha.
News from my brother who visited Mom today at the NH:
"Apparently, there was a discussion among various departments concerning Mom's loss of weight. So, from now on Mom eats at the "Captain's Table" in Norwich Hall, both lunch and dinner, most days. At the Captain's Table sit bosses of various departments - today it was Lorrie of Administration and another top dog (I forgot her name). Also at the table were a few other residents, all alert and talkative. When I came in, Mom had already eaten quite well. This is a big change."
I am VERY pleased that the NH is trying to do whatever they can to improve Mom's appetite!
I've been praying for you and your mother. It is so hard to go thru this last stage. Sounds like she needed some encouragement. So glad she is responding to their wonderful care!
My mother had to be spoon fed for the last several years, but when the swallowing reflex started to disappear, that was the worst! They thickened all liquids so she wouldn't choke....can you imagine thickened coffee? I had forgotten about them using that agent until you mentioned it in one of your posts...(if not you, someone...)
