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Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board
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Old 11-17-2006, 08:42 AM   #1
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New here.

Hi everyone my name is Jennifer I am a 34 year old mother of 3. I live in central AR. My mother has multi-infarct dementia. She is going to be moving to AR (from TX) in to a nursing home near me next week. She will actually be moving here on the 9 year anniversary of her brain annurism and it will also be my parents 38 year wedding anniversary. (oh yeah and it is the day after Thanksgiving) I have never really delt with what has happened to my mom. I figure that it is time to try to find some support and some people to talk to. No one that I know has delt with anything like this and while they may try to be good listeners they can not begin to comprehend the depth of my pain. I hope that I can find some support here, learn some things and make new friends.

 
Old 11-17-2006, 11:49 AM   #2
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Re: New here.

Hello and welcome!

Yes, you will find people here who have (or had) family members with AD from the earliest beginnings to final stages. My Mom is in the last stages; they are just barely keeping her alive at the nursing home. She has lost interest in food and life.

I was her caregiver for 5 years and yes indeed, I do know the depths of the pain you are feeling, having lost the mother you once knew and having to deal with a 'stranger' who has taken her place. I am glad she will be at a place near you but not WITH you in your home with small childlren - that would never be a good idea at all ...

You will find very much moral support on this Board.

love,

Martha

 
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Old 11-18-2006, 06:13 AM   #3
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Re: New here.

Welcome - from another Arkie! I live in western Arkansas. You are a young mother of 3, and that in itself is a difficult job. I wish you well in getting your Mother moved. How old is your Mom? Dementia of any kind is a very odd, horrible disease. It robs the person of who they were. And it robs us too. I hope your Mom can make the move smoothly for all concerned and you won't have too much trouble. Good luck - with raising the kids and with your Mom in this condition. And welcome to the site - you will find so much good information here, and so many, many wise and caring folks! On a lighter note ......GO HOGS!!! C

 
Old 11-18-2006, 11:06 AM   #4
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Re: New here.

Welcome! You're in the right place! These people here saved me from total insanity when my dad was here with me.

Happy anniversary to your parents. The day after Thanksgiving is also my son's 18th birthday. He was born on Thanksgiving Day. He was very bald and the doctor called him his little Butterball turkey.

Turkey, he was. But at 11 1/2 lbs., I didn't think he was so "little".

Is your dad moving closer to you too? I hope your mom transitions to the new place easily and that she's happy there.

Feel free to post your feelings (good and bad). I went through a whole gammot of feelings, the worst of them for me was guilt. I had awful feelings about my dad's disease and for a while, I had terrible feelings about my dad. I felt ashamed for feeling the way I felt until I came here and found out that many more people felt the same way I did.

You're absolutely right. There are people out there who are genuinely concerned and who really want to help. But unless they've been through this with a loved one, it's very difficult for them to understand. Here, you'll find understanding. People will share with you things here that sometimes they haven't discussed with their families.

Again, welcome to the boards!

Love, Barb
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Old 11-20-2006, 08:23 AM   #5
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Re: New here.

CYT: My mom is only 63.

No my dad isn't moving closer. At least not in the next 5 years. He still works and is only a few years away from retirement (and lifetime insurance) We are moving my mom for financial reasons (primarily) in TX it would be about $140.00 a day to pay for her care and in AR it will be about $115.00 a day. That will add up fast! Not to mention my dad has cared for her long enough. My mother came down with Multiple Sclerosis in the 70's. My dad took care of her... then she got breast cancer in the 80's... My dad took care of her... Then in 1997 she had an annurism. My dad took care of her. We all felt very lucky that she survived. She had some brain damage but over all was a sweet natured lady. Then she started to get dementia. (her personality changed, she can get mean, she is a danger to herself etc...) And last year my dad finally made the agonizing decision to but her in assisted living. It was a decision that broke his heart! He had payed for inhome care (because she just couldn't be left alone anymore, she was unsafe to herself) but he was getting so frustrated with her that he had started hitting her (with a fly swater) he was so alarmed at his own behavior that he and I decided that the best thing to do was get her out of his house. (my brother feels like my Dad is sirking his responsibilities and clearly has no idea of what it is like to be around my mother at all!) I was worried that someday my Dad would hurt or kill my mother out of sheer anger and frustration. (my dad has always battled depression and anger issues) And my mom doesn't sleep! She is up all night roaming around burning things in the house etc... Sleep deprevation can make ANYONE go nuts!!! So he put her in assisted living and would visit her once a week and take her out to dinner. Then in May she fell and broke her hip. Years of medicine that she took for her MS had turned her bones to mush. So they repaired it and sent her to rehab... where she broke her leg and popped her hip out in the first week. So back she went to the hospital for more surgery. Then she got out and fell trying to get in her wheelchair (by herself when no one was looking) and dislocated her hip again and so back she went for another round of surgery. She had to be restrained after the third surgery so that she would stay in bed. She got bed sores and had to be on a special kind of bed etc... She will be getting out on November 24th after having been in one hospital or another since before Memorial Day. My dad says that she seems happy to be moving to AR. I don't think she really knows that she won't be seeing him anymore but I don't know that she will really care. She doesn't seem to get happy or sad anymore. I will be seeing her and taking my kids to see her. I will take her to my house every once in awhile and let her play with my dogs and take her for a drive in the county etc. I don't think she knows that she will never go back to TX or never set foot in her house again. I don't think she realizes that she won't see her friends again. (a few of them used to stop by her assisted living to see her.) I will take my cell phone over there and let her call my Grandmother and let my mom call any of her friends or my brother, my dad. We can't let her have a phone in her room because she will call people all night long (remember she doesn't sleep) and she can't remember anyones phone numbers so she calls all kinds of phone numbers. Once time my dad had a $100+ phone bill of almost all wrong numbers.

Like I said I have never delt with any of my feelings about my mother. I have tried to be a rock for my dad and be there to support him. He makes comments like he wishes she was dead or that she had died in 1997 etc... (his mother who is 95 ALSO HAS DEMENTIA!!! She isn't quite as bad off as my mom but she is getting close. We moved her into a nursing home over Mothers Day... her daughter (my aunt) just died last month and my Grandma didn't even really seem to know what had happened.) Anyway my Dad is a doctor and he has been taking care of both of them all this time... He knows all the medical info out there about dementia... I never did any research about dementia or looked for any kind of support till now. I think I am going to read some old posts and look at this stage thing to see what stage my mother is. I am open to any helpful hints, or advise anyone has on ways to deal with her, or ways to cope myself. I really miss my mom! I am hoping that by her moving here I will be helping my dad start his life over and financially, helping my mom by giving her me and my kids to visit and look forward to seeing, and helping myself learn to deal with all of this and maybe learn to let her go.

I have to wonder WHY? Why did this all happen to her? The MS the breast cancer, the brain anurism and brain damage, now the dementia? I think that everything happens for a reason... but why is all this happening to her??? If it isn't for her to learn from then who?

 
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