My Mom passed away on Sunday from septicemia. She was fine on Friday, ill on Sat and died on Sun. We all think it is a blessing but that doesn't make it less sad. Little did I know when we moved her here the day after Thanksgiving that our time together would be so short. But we made the best of it! We had a very nice week together and I was there with her went she went. Thanks again for all of your support even if it was only for a short time.
So sorry for your loss. This disease has taught me that there are fates that are truely worse than death. I'm so glad you were able to take advantage of your last days together and that your Mom and, in many ways everyone, can now be at peace.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I too am grieving the loss of my Mom the day after Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, it was a call from my mom's primary care doctor that notified me of her passing. My mom was sick for the last six or seven years with alz. I do blame the NH where she was staying as I wouldn't put anything past them. I don't believe they tried to use CPR to revive her as stated in the report. They had the heat blasting in her room that was ungodly hot. I told them not to keep it so high but I doubt they listened. I had anonymous phone calls that I believe was someone at the NH trying to find out if I was at home or on my way to visit Mom. I have guilt about so many things. I'm glad I saw her the night before and I kissed her and told her I love her. I'm sorry I didn't stay longer as she asked us not to leave since she didn't want to be alone. Dad and I can't drive well in the dark and rain slick roads so we didn't want to push our luck as she was wanting to get some rest. I miss my mom more than words can say. My dad is also grieving and I feel he is in his own world right now, exluding me from his grieving process. I am grieving alone other than a few supportive friends. A lot of strain was put on my relationship with my Dad during Mom's illness, and he is not the same man he once was. I fear a struggle ahead, especiallydealing with two distant brothers who live out of state.
Last edited by blanche235; 12-08-2006 at 11:05 AM.
Blanche, my dad went through a rough grieving process when my mom died. He didn't want to show it either. And I'm afraid you're right. Your dad will never be the same person he was before your mom got ill and before her death. Time doesn't exactly heal a wound like this. But time will eventually ease the pain.
I too suffered from guilt when my mom died. I went to her house to pick up my son (she and my dad babysat for me). She was recently out of the hospital and not feeling well. She told me she was going to die. (After her death, dad told me she had been sayiing that for about a month). I poo poo'd what she said and told her that's nonsense, that she would be here for many more years. Little did I know that just 12 hours later I would be getting a phone call from my sister saying they've called an ambulance for my mom and it didn't look good. Since I was closer to the hospital than their house, I met my dad and sister at the hospital. Mom died along the way without any of us there. I wish I would have believed her and spent more time with her that day. One last time, I wish I would have listened to my mom.
I blamed everyone especially her doctors and secretly my dad. I blamed myself for not being there for her. We all feel the need to know why things like this happen. Anger and guilt and wanting to know why are a big part of the grieving process.
After my mom passed, my dad told me he thought that when his dad died, he thought that was the hardest thing he'd ever faced. He said he was wrong. Losing the love of your life is even harder than losing a parent. I'm glad he told me that because he wasn't there for me when my mom died and because of what he said the day she died, I understood why. I didn't feel bad that he couldn't be close to me at the time. I understood that he needed me to be there as far as taking care of the things he couldn't bear to do like thank you cards after the funeral. But I also understood and respected that he needed space to grieve in his own way and time.
Don't worry about tomorrow, Blanche. Just do what you can do for today. It's true that things will never be the same. But it does get better with time.
Hugs and prayers to you Blanche and also to you Mom2Mom,
Live, Love, Laugh.
Last edited by LuvMyLilDoggie; 12-09-2006 at 07:58 AM.
Barb, thank you for your kind words and I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom. It sounds like we've shared similar feelings with the loss of our moms and the guilt that often goes along with it. I still feel lots of guilt not knowing if the aid really did attempt CPR on my Mom and whether or not my mom called out for my dad and he nor I weren't there to get her help. We went to the cemetary today and we placed a small Christmas tree on her gave site. I started crying out loud and he told me to keep it down or words to that effect, in other words don't make a spectacle of myself. I asked him to say a prayer before we left which was very nice.
I suppose we all have those moments where we think to ourselves, I shoulda, coulda, woulda, if only.... when we could kick ourselves for not having taken something our loved one said more seriously. I would have never left the nursing home that night when I did had I known my Mom would pass the next morning. If only she had died at home where we couldn't ask ourselves what really happened.
Dad wouldn't agree to an autopsy which I feel is unforgiveable. I think we would have know once and for all how she died, albeit do we really know the truth if the autopsy is really ever done like they say it was. I suppose I'm the cynical type which isn't good, but I suppose I've been around long enough to not trust everyone.
Thanks again for sharing. I am sure the loss is hard for the spouse, but I thought it would be harder for the child since the child was raised and nurtured by its mother and that blood is thicker than water, but I'm sure no matter how one looks at it, the loss if difficult for all concerned,
I would like to say I am so sorry to all of you that has lost a parent or parents. I lost my Dad in April 2004 and my Mom on March 2006 and it's been very hard for me. I have heard that it gets easier but I wonder when. Right now I feel so alone right here at the Holidays and my Parents not here to share it with. It is not the same and won't ever be again.
blanche235 that poem was beatiful and I enjoyed it verry much. Thanks for sharing it!
In all your giref, you have to remember to be loving to your father, who is as distressed as you are. An autopsy means different things to different generations or even to different people. Your father wanted to spare your mother the indignity of being surgically examined - it was too late to bring her back anyhow. Concentrate more on her life, her good qualities, the good times you all had together. And show your dad your love. It is not "unforgivable" ... it is human and normal. What would such an act do - for him, for her, or for you? There could not be any proof that she died calling for you .. that doesn't show up on an autopsy. Please try (I am praying for you) to get away from blame (it's the nursing home's fault) or guilt (if only I had been there) and just grieve because you miss her.
I lost my Dad in 1977, and my Mom is still hanging on at the age of 98 - I think she is now in stage 7. Let me venture to say ... not trying at all to diminish your pain ... that I often wish she had passed away at an earlier stage than this - this is a terrible way to live ...
Thank you Martha, and others. You are right Martha, your words are very wise and I will try to focus more on Mom's life and celebrate that than put too much energy in the what ifs. An autopsy would have told me if she had a heart attack, or possibly toxic overdosing of meds, or whatever. I understand what you mean about the indignity. My heartfelt condolences to others who are grieving a loved one's passing. I know this is a very difficult time of year when we seem to miss them even more. I am glad for this message board to reach out to others and attempt to help others in their grieving process.
I love that poem, Zonk, thank you for posting it here. It brought tears to my eyes.
I will be spending this afternoon with my Dad, making Sunday dinner for him and putting up a small Christmas tree with him.
God Bless Everyone and may Peace be ever present in our hearts at this difficult time and for always.