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Old 12-06-2006, 10:03 AM   #1
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Our wait is over: my Mom died

My Mom passed away on Sunday from septicemia. She was fine on Friday, ill on Sat and died on Sun. We all think it is a blessing but that doesn't make it less sad. Little did I know when we moved her here the day after Thanksgiving that our time together would be so short. But we made the best of it! We had a very nice week together and I was there with her went she went. Thanks again for all of your support even if it was only for a short time.

 
Old 12-06-2006, 10:12 AM   #2
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Re: Our wait is over: my Mom died

So sorry for your loss. This disease has taught me that there are fates that are truely worse than death. I'm so glad you were able to take advantage of your last days together and that your Mom and, in many ways everyone, can now be at peace.

 
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Old 12-06-2006, 11:43 AM   #3
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Re: Our wait is over: my Mom died

Ahhhh, please accept my condolences - I know it's a blessing, but still not easy to say goodbye. May you have peace and God bless you and your family. C

 
Old 12-06-2006, 12:35 PM   #4
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Re: Our wait is over: my Mom died

You are in my thoughts. It is difficult to lose a parent. I am so glad that you had thanksgiving together. We can be thankful that she is at peace...

 
Old 12-06-2006, 01:54 PM   #5
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Re: Our wait is over: my Mom died

My condolences also. It is so sad. Remember that you did your very best. Remember her as she was before AD!

Love,

Martha

 
Old 12-06-2006, 02:16 PM   #6
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Re: Our wait is over: my Mom died

My condolences as well. At least you were able to spend time with her over the holiday.

You'll be in my prayers.

 
Old 12-06-2006, 04:12 PM   #7
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Re: Our wait is over: my Mom died

My condolences too. How nice that circumstances allowed for your mom to be with you in your home instead of a hospital. In some way I'm sure that was comforting to her to know that she wasn't alone.

Love and hugs, Barb
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Old 12-08-2006, 11:02 AM   #8
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Re: Our wait is over: my Mom died

I'm so sorry for your loss. I too am grieving the loss of my Mom the day after Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, it was a call from my mom's primary care doctor that notified me of her passing. My mom was sick for the last six or seven years with alz. I do blame the NH where she was staying as I wouldn't put anything past them. I don't believe they tried to use CPR to revive her as stated in the report. They had the heat blasting in her room that was ungodly hot. I told them not to keep it so high but I doubt they listened. I had anonymous phone calls that I believe was someone at the NH trying to find out if I was at home or on my way to visit Mom. I have guilt about so many things. I'm glad I saw her the night before and I kissed her and told her I love her. I'm sorry I didn't stay longer as she asked us not to leave since she didn't want to be alone. Dad and I can't drive well in the dark and rain slick roads so we didn't want to push our luck as she was wanting to get some rest. I miss my mom more than words can say. My dad is also grieving and I feel he is in his own world right now, exluding me from his grieving process. I am grieving alone other than a few supportive friends. A lot of strain was put on my relationship with my Dad during Mom's illness, and he is not the same man he once was. I fear a struggle ahead, especiallydealing with two distant brothers who live out of state.

Last edited by blanche235; 12-08-2006 at 11:05 AM.

 
Old 12-09-2006, 07:56 AM   #9
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Re: Our wait is over: my Mom died

Blanche, my dad went through a rough grieving process when my mom died. He didn't want to show it either. And I'm afraid you're right. Your dad will never be the same person he was before your mom got ill and before her death. Time doesn't exactly heal a wound like this. But time will eventually ease the pain.

I too suffered from guilt when my mom died. I went to her house to pick up my son (she and my dad babysat for me). She was recently out of the hospital and not feeling well. She told me she was going to die. (After her death, dad told me she had been sayiing that for about a month). I poo poo'd what she said and told her that's nonsense, that she would be here for many more years. Little did I know that just 12 hours later I would be getting a phone call from my sister saying they've called an ambulance for my mom and it didn't look good. Since I was closer to the hospital than their house, I met my dad and sister at the hospital. Mom died along the way without any of us there. I wish I would have believed her and spent more time with her that day. One last time, I wish I would have listened to my mom.

I blamed everyone especially her doctors and secretly my dad. I blamed myself for not being there for her. We all feel the need to know why things like this happen. Anger and guilt and wanting to know why are a big part of the grieving process.

After my mom passed, my dad told me he thought that when his dad died, he thought that was the hardest thing he'd ever faced. He said he was wrong. Losing the love of your life is even harder than losing a parent. I'm glad he told me that because he wasn't there for me when my mom died and because of what he said the day she died, I understood why. I didn't feel bad that he couldn't be close to me at the time. I understood that he needed me to be there as far as taking care of the things he couldn't bear to do like thank you cards after the funeral. But I also understood and respected that he needed space to grieve in his own way and time.

Don't worry about tomorrow, Blanche. Just do what you can do for today. It's true that things will never be the same. But it does get better with time.

Hugs and prayers to you Blanche and also to you Mom2Mom,

Barb
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Last edited by LuvMyLilDoggie; 12-09-2006 at 07:58 AM.

 
Old 12-09-2006, 11:29 PM   #10
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Re: Our wait is over: my Mom died

Barb, thank you for your kind words and I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom. It sounds like we've shared similar feelings with the loss of our moms and the guilt that often goes along with it. I still feel lots of guilt not knowing if the aid really did attempt CPR on my Mom and whether or not my mom called out for my dad and he nor I weren't there to get her help. We went to the cemetary today and we placed a small Christmas tree on her gave site. I started crying out loud and he told me to keep it down or words to that effect, in other words don't make a spectacle of myself. I asked him to say a prayer before we left which was very nice.

I suppose we all have those moments where we think to ourselves, I shoulda, coulda, woulda, if only.... when we could kick ourselves for not having taken something our loved one said more seriously. I would have never left the nursing home that night when I did had I known my Mom would pass the next morning. If only she had died at home where we couldn't ask ourselves what really happened.

Dad wouldn't agree to an autopsy which I feel is unforgiveable. I think we would have know once and for all how she died, albeit do we really know the truth if the autopsy is really ever done like they say it was. I suppose I'm the cynical type which isn't good, but I suppose I've been around long enough to not trust everyone.

Thanks again for sharing. I am sure the loss is hard for the spouse, but I thought it would be harder for the child since the child was raised and nurtured by its mother and that blood is thicker than water, but I'm sure no matter how one looks at it, the loss if difficult for all concerned,

 
Old 12-09-2006, 11:38 PM   #11
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Re: Our wait is over: my Mom died

A friend shared this poem with me tonight that I thought I would share with you.

The Dash Poem

by Linda Ellis

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning to the end

He noted that first came her date of her birth
And spoke the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years

For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not how much we own;
The cars, the house, the cash,
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard.
Are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left,
That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what’s true and real
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we’ve never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,
And more often wear a smile
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy is being read
With your life’s actions to rehash
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?

©1996 Linda Ellis

 
Old 12-10-2006, 12:34 AM   #12
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Re: Our wait is over: my Mom died

I would like to say I am so sorry to all of you that has lost a parent or parents. I lost my Dad in April 2004 and my Mom on March 2006 and it's been very hard for me. I have heard that it gets easier but I wonder when. Right now I feel so alone right here at the Holidays and my Parents not here to share it with. It is not the same and won't ever be again.

blanche235 that poem was beatiful and I enjoyed it verry much. Thanks for sharing it!

 
Old 12-10-2006, 01:57 AM   #13
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Re: Our wait is over: my Mom died

My dad died 4 years ago...and the poem that really expressed how i felt was (strangly enough) from a very popular movie...four weddings and a funeral
I am sure you all remember it:

Funeral Blues
W.H. Auden

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

 
Old 12-10-2006, 03:47 AM   #14
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Re: Our wait is over: my Mom died

Dear Blanche,

In all your giref, you have to remember to be loving to your father, who is as distressed as you are. An autopsy means different things to different generations or even to different people. Your father wanted to spare your mother the indignity of being surgically examined - it was too late to bring her back anyhow. Concentrate more on her life, her good qualities, the good times you all had together. And show your dad your love. It is not "unforgivable" ... it is human and normal. What would such an act do - for him, for her, or for you? There could not be any proof that she died calling for you .. that doesn't show up on an autopsy. Please try (I am praying for you) to get away from blame (it's the nursing home's fault) or guilt (if only I had been there) and just grieve because you miss her.

I lost my Dad in 1977, and my Mom is still hanging on at the age of 98 - I think she is now in stage 7. Let me venture to say ... not trying at all to diminish your pain ... that I often wish she had passed away at an earlier stage than this - this is a terrible way to live ...

Love,

Martha

 
Old 12-10-2006, 07:30 AM   #15
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Re: Our wait is over: my Mom died

Thank you Martha, and others. You are right Martha, your words are very wise and I will try to focus more on Mom's life and celebrate that than put too much energy in the what ifs. An autopsy would have told me if she had a heart attack, or possibly toxic overdosing of meds, or whatever. I understand what you mean about the indignity. My heartfelt condolences to others who are grieving a loved one's passing. I know this is a very difficult time of year when we seem to miss them even more. I am glad for this message board to reach out to others and attempt to help others in their grieving process.

I love that poem, Zonk, thank you for posting it here. It brought tears to my eyes.

I will be spending this afternoon with my Dad, making Sunday dinner for him and putting up a small Christmas tree with him.

God Bless Everyone and may Peace be ever present in our hearts at this difficult time and for always.

 
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