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Old 01-08-2007, 06:36 PM   #1
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advice please

i live with my mother who is in her late 70s.she keeps losing money in the house
and blames me. we have blazing rows about it, she is convinced i'm taking it
and we are talking about a lot of money.the strange thing is it cannot be found.it all started a few months ago when she gave me a sum of money.
every time money goes missing i replace it to prove my innocence but for some reason she's still convinved i'm taking it.also she believes im creeping
into her bedroom at night and haunting her because she hears strange sounds
and hears voices.she is becoming very aggressive life is getting unbearable.
i have suggested to her that she maybe suffering from senile dementia but
she rejects it. any advice please?

 
Old 01-08-2007, 07:46 PM   #2
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Re: advice please

Sounds like you need to get her to a doctor. Does she have a regular doctor now? Don't even mention dementia for now. Does she have an appt soon? If not, perhaps u can contact the dr or even better, get her to a neurologist or a geriatric doctor. Have their office call her to say they are calling to remind her of her appt and then tag along. If you can speak to the dr before the appt to explain what is happening that would be good. If not, write in a small note your concerns and hand it to him, without her seeing you, of course. Read and learn as much as you can so you can recognize any symptoms. Good luck.
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Old 01-09-2007, 03:11 AM   #3
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Re: advice please

Losing money and accusing someone of taking it is a paramount symptom of Alzheimer's disease ... I hope your Mom can be helped. In the early stages some of the meds on the market can slow the progress of the disease. Meanwhile don't argue with her, it makes no sense. You are wasting your breath. Eventually you may find her missing cash hidden beneath a rug or some other odd place. She will not remember putting it there. Try to keep the cash in the house to a bare minimum. Keep your own cash well hidden! I was on my way to work one morning and found I had no money in my wallet for bus fare or my usual coffee break - Mom had been at MY wallet!

Later she gave away or lost hundreds of dollars she had been keeping in a secret 'stash' in the apartment - it got to the point where I had to take over control of her money ... (she resented it.)

It is an awful disease.

Martha

 
Old 01-09-2007, 08:39 PM   #4
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Re: advice please

Yep. Been there. My dad used to accuse me too. He's lost LOTS of cash in his bedroom alone. He hasn't been here in 1 1/2 years and I STILL haven't found what he did with it. And this is not a large house.

I've been blamed and accused of everything imaginable. And the more I said I didn't do it, say it, see it, hear it, the more I got called a liar, cheat and thief. Well not in so many words but the implication was always there.

I learned the hard way that the best thing for me to do was to pacify my dad, to tell him "I'm sorry. I thought you left that $10 on the table for me to deposit into your bank account so that's what I did". Arguing or trying to prove yourself only makes matters worse. She's not going to remember that you didn't take the money and may forget you even saying you didn't take it 5 minutes after the conversation has ended.

Do you have legal authority over your mom's assets and her medical care? If not, you should make that a top priority. You will need to make decisions for her when she's no longer able to do so. It is extremely difficult to get the legal documents that are needed after a person has been diagnosed with alzheimer's or dementia.

Get your mom to the doctor. Tell the doctor (without her around to hear you) about all the strange behaviors. Write them down and give them to the doctor so you'll know that you remembered everything you wanted to say. But make sure you have all your legal ducks in order first. That will make things easier for you down the road.

This is a long, difficult battle for both the caregiver and the loved one. Ask for help when you need it. Take breaks whenever you can.

And keep coming back here. As you can see, most of us have walked down the same path you're on now at one time or another.

Take care!

Barb
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Old 01-10-2007, 04:47 PM   #5
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Re: advice please

thank you all for the advice, i feel a bit better now.

 
Old 01-10-2007, 05:14 PM   #6
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Re: advice please

You're welcome! Although none of us would wish anyone go through what we're going through or have gone through, it feels good to know we're not alone.

Barb
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Old 01-19-2007, 09:16 PM   #7
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Re: advice please

Oh yes money going missing, my mother moved in with me 2 years before she died I had 4 kids at home she did not seem to bad but after a week or so i realized she was pretty bad .never had my mother spoke to me the way she did after she moved in and she would go thru her purse one thing at a time and lay it out on the bed then one at a time put it back then as soon as she got thru doing that she would start again .that was at first . then she got where she would go thru my childrens room and take things that she said they stold from her . then she tried to help cook caught her using 409 for pam to cook eggs one morning ( I watch her closley while she did that . Turning on the facuet and forgetting she turned it on and would flood the kitchen. then she started fighting me on bathing.i would clean her bedroom fold all her clothes in her dresser i would go to the den come back and everything would be thrown all over her room and she would say look what happen here who did this . I could go on and on but the jest is do not take anything personal . she will probley say some very hurtful things to you or other love ones but she is not herself . the worst thing she would do was strip naked or go out side in to my front yard and pull her pants down and pee and i lived in town .finally after her woundering off 2 times down the street I had to put deadbolts on my doors that you had to have a key to unlock and she would nearly break the windows out trying to get out of the house . remember ut us the diease that is doing this not your mom . And when she get angry you stay calm never fuss with someone who has this diease it only makes them worst. I hope you remember to take care of yourself as you are going down a long HARD road with her best of luck and I will keep you in my prayers

 
Old 01-20-2007, 09:41 AM   #8
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My gosh... 4 kids and Mom for two years! How did u do it? I hope u had help. Was your Mom ever on medication? thanks for sharing.
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Old 01-20-2007, 03:42 PM   #9
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Re: advice please

I liked Barb's advice: say, "oops didn't you leave that out for me to deposit?" Or maybe try, "we went yesterday to the bank and deposited that money, remember?" I know you said you replace it when she loses it. Maybe try "finding" it in her room and let her see you come out of her room with it.

It's horrible to know that you're loved one thinks youre trying to steal from them. My dad is pretty much convinced I'm trying to place him in a nursing home, just because I asked him to sign a Medical Power of Attorney form. I gave up trying to get him to sign it because arguing only makes it worse - I'm gonna have the doctor explain it to him at the next appointment.

Good Luck!

 
Old 01-20-2007, 04:44 PM   #10
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Re: advice please

So sorry to hear about your problems but I just had to jump in here. My husband insisted that he needed to carry some money. He wanted $50.00 so I gave it to him just to make him stop following me around all day driving me nuts about it. Just for your info.....that same $50.00 has been lost and found so many times I can't count. I gave him two 20's and a 10. Believe me I thought I was doing something to just, pardon the expression (to shut him up) but every time he lost it he accused me or my daughter of taking it. He would tear up his bedroom looking and sometimes it would take days but he always would find it. He wanted a billfold for his money and drivers license. He no longer drives but still has a valid license, so I bought him one for Christmas thinking that he would be happy. Now he has trouble finding that too. He never carried a billfold in the past and always used a money clip but now has to have the billfold. It is a real odd thing that a common thread with Alzheimer's patients is money. They seem to be possesed with it. I hope you learn to cope with it because it will never go away!

Good luck,
Jan

 
Old 01-20-2007, 05:42 PM   #11
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Re: advice please

You are right - obsessed with money is a good way of putting it. Convinced people who would give them their eye teeth are exploiting them. Convinced you are stealing, lying, making things up, trying to 'put them away.'

In my opinion that is the worst scourge of this horrible disease. The person you love most in the world and have sacrificed years of your life to help - now hates you and thinks you are a despicable crook.

I went through it. Good news: there is light at the end of that tunnel - now Mom has no idea she ever said any of those things, accused me of anything, or acted unkindly - and she is happy any time we manage to talk or when I get to NY to visit her in the NH. She has no memory of the 5 yrs we lived together. She thinks I am still in Germany with my ex husband and small children - my 'little ones' are now 38, 36 and 29! Mom is back in the 70s in her mind.

So take all the abuse without letting it get you down - laugh if you can. It will pass. The 'real person' knows you love them - this is the 'Imposter', the disease speaking. (hard ..I didn't laugh until a year later, looking back on the absurdity of it all ...)

Love,
Martha

 
Old 01-21-2007, 05:42 AM   #12
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I would like to make a suggestion here. Music! (I didn't have a money problem with Mom but she would say "I have no money." ...and I would tell her... "sure you do, it's in your purse" and I would get her purse and show her the dollar bills and that would be the end of it. Luckily for me, she never accused me of ever stealing.) Try playing music from his time... Music brought joy to my Mom. At times, she would get up and dance to the beat! My Mom didn't know who i was but she would sing to the words of some songs. It helped her depression and would help change her moods. The music hopefully will help him forget about the $ and help him go back to happier times in his mind. As the disease progresses, he will eventually forget what money actually is. Good luck!
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Old 01-21-2007, 06:54 AM   #13
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Re: advice please

There is a gal where Mom lives (senior apts complex) that accuses the maintenance man of stealing from her. She swears he comes in and gets her beanie babies, also she says he got her diamond ring, took it out and switched the diamond for a fake and put it back! Needless to say, there is tension there! He can't stand her! There is another lady who says she has 18 kids - we asked her daughter and she said "only 2". This disease gets weird! My Mom is fine so this gets on her nerves. She is always wanting to move, but there is nothing out there for her that is so cheap!

 
Old 01-21-2007, 10:46 AM   #14
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Yes, weird it can be! A sense of humor helps!
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Old 05-06-2007, 07:41 AM   #15
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Re: advice please

Sounds like Alzheimers to me. Get her to the DR.! As far as the money, try to convince her she nees a little help remembering. Try to get her to let you keep the money and pay her bills. Only thing that worked for me!!!
Good Luck!
Laner

 
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