Martha H

Come around and whine as often as you need to. That's why we are here.

Yes, it is sadly normal for an AD patient to ask the same questions over and over again. There is no right answer. The best one we could come up with was my brother saying,"don't worry, you will always get the best of care." That is not the same as ''you will never go to a nursing home" because at a certain stage the nursing home gives the person far better care than any one person can do at home, especially if they have to go to work, and even harder, if they have children at home.

That promise is often made, but loses its meaning as time goes by. What you meant when you said that to your Mom years ago was, "as long as it is possible for you to get the best care at home, we - not just myself alone - will provide it. But (implied) if it becomes impossible, a facility may offer you better care than we can." That is a promise I can make and live up to.

You also have to remember that there are good nursing homes out there, even if they may be hard to find. As for cost, the AD person has no feeling for money or finaces any more, and as her child you are more interested in having her get optimal care than in inheriting her money (if any.) In this spirit we spent down Mom's money for her care in a good NH and when it was gone she got into Medicaid. So we get no inheritance. That is of no importance. Instead of that I got my own life back, now a year and 9 months ago ... regained my physical and psychological good health, and am content knowing Mom is in good hands.

Those who are better off can afford to get long term care insurance now, and those who have nothing will be eligible for Medicaid sooner. We were among those ''caught in the middle," with too much and also not enough. (paradox!)

I know you are not thinking of financial matters, but just remember that your Mom's care is of the utmost importance, and maybe an assisted living facility, a group home, a nursing home or even an Alzheimer unit will turn out to be what you promised her. 'We will always give you the best care possible."

I urge people at the beginning of this process not to make any rash promises they may not be able to keep, and also to remember that a stage comes when the patient herself does not know where she is. Many who are crying "I want to go home" do so even when they are home. What they mean is their childhood family home with Mom and Dad and themself as a small child. So don't let "I want to go home" confuse you, later on.

God bless you and all caregivers.

love,

Martha