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Old 03-10-2007, 10:34 PM   #1
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Unhappy very sad news

Hello Everyone,

It's been quite awhile since I have been here, caught up on some of the news and wish all well. The sad news is mom has become almost unmanagable
again here at home. She has went from the little sweet almost comatose state to back being completely restless at all hours when she is not asleep. We had her in the hospital recently and she was a bit impacted probably from the NH because they could not really wash or check her regularly. Anyway that visit to the hospital has revived in her the energy etc. again so she is out of control and impossible almost to bear. I have had to go without hours of sleep, restlessness and extreme burnout 24/7. I have almost given up this fight, I will never give up on her and my love for her. I will continue to always strive for the cure but me being able to take care of her has reached it's toll.
My son Brian lost it today, he has done so much for mom and also he is so caring for others that he forgets everything for himself. Today he cried out and said he could'nt take it anymore!!! I almost cried and I felt soooo guilty.,.
He told me later, mom I just cant help you anymore, I dont have a life anymore you dont either and Im so tired of seeing you so worn out, and we cant get out together for five minutes without planning ahead for a sitter. He said I was his mom and he was worried about me. But if I continue to do this he said mom I" ll have to move out and stay away. It hurt me because he's my ONLY Real SUPPORT LINE. None of the rest of the family is willing to be involved in the way we are. My sister came tonight and said Sis it's time to let go of this dreaded disease. If we have to place mom farther away from home then we have too. She said she just CANT take care of mom because she thinks it is just too overwhelming. She said if mom had cancer etc. it would be differant but this is to rough. I have to do it, I have to go back to work april 18th and I dont want to give up my job. Mom is in depend pull-ups now and she doesnt seem to recognise what you say or anything. She cant walk without assistance, the bathroom without help doesnt even recognise when you tell her to raise her foot, barely can she get through the day without falling. Fell and blacked an eye at two oclock the other morning!!! I cant take my eyes off her without assistance. Her doctor says its just this disease and he has given her meds and he doesnt see a patient with her much will and determination. He gave her a shot of halyodol, and vistral at the same time and thirty mins. later (still going) and all the way until 11:30 that night. (UNREAL) . I was exhausted.
Also the real sad part for me.... DH is leaving tommorow to go into rehab for 28 days. My loving DH I told everyone about is an alcoholic who relapsed 4yrs ago during my dad's early illness and now it has escalated out of control again. I know that this situation is not good for him or has it been although I know that is not why he drinks this way again. He started one night 4yrs ago at a party we were attending and it's been down hill ever since. I've kept it hid along time but I cant deal with that anymore either. I want to just pick up Brian and move far away from everything and everyone. Im in Alanon again and it is helping, he has chosen to go to rehab before he loses everything he cares about but I dont know for sure if he is really wanting this or not. Anyway Im just a little sad but wanted to touch base with all of you. We will be driving to Nashville tommorow to take him to rehab and then Monday I will be driving home alone 6 hours on the road. I want to dissapear but I know that wont happen. It's now 1:30am mom is sitting in her wheelchair behind me saying somebody get me out of this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She's restrained to keep from falling out of it, now she's cussing me gotta go, jess

 
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Old 03-11-2007, 04:12 AM   #2
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Re: very sad news

Dear Jess,

I am terribly sorry for you ... I would have cracked up long agao with only ONE such problem. You have to get your Mom into a safe place, as soon as possible. You see, it won't matter how far away it is from you, because she will not know if you have been there every day or once in awhile. Bill was on vacation for a week and when he next visited Mom she said "I'm so glad you come every day." A couple of months before she went into the NH she was taken to my sister's house for 2 weeks - when she got back my Aunt called and asked, 'How is E?' Mom replied "I don't know, I haven't seen her for a year."

Time gets lost. If it is possible, get her into that further off nursing home right away. I don't think your son would really move out, but he is crying for help - he needs you, and he needs the stability in the home that only you are able to provide considering the problems of his dad.

I am keeping you in my prayers and I hope you get her into a safe place soon - please let us know how that is working out.

Meanwhile, be aware that black eyes and other bruises have in the past been ascribed to elder abuse! My Mom bruises easily due to blood clotting problems, and sure enough, not that long ago, while she was still living with me, someone asked her "is your daughter hitting you?" All this and accusations too! That remark nearly did me in. That was the day before I fantasized about jumping in front of the subway train I took to work ....

Love and best wishes,

Martha

 
Old 03-11-2007, 11:53 AM   #3
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Re: very sad news

Oh Jess I was hoping your mom would remain happy but one never really knows with this.

I thought I sniffed a bit of alanon out of your posts. Takes one to know one. You know my friends there really helped me when my dad (Ad and non-drinking alcoholic) was here with me. And though it may not be the healthiest way, Brian is doing a good thing by detaching. He needs some space and he realizes that it wouldn't be wise now not to take it. And he's worried about you too. Sometimes what we think we're hiding well is the very thing everyone knows about and is afraid to talk about. Now that your husband is going into rehab, it can free you and the rest of your family up to talk about it if you all wish. Whether or not your husband is going to rehab for himself or whether he's going just to satisfy someone isn't for anyone to say. I have a BIL who went through 5 rehabs and a couple of half way houses and a 3/4 house. The last time he went to rehab was just like the rest. He went there with no intention of staying sober. He got out of there after 28 days and left with no intention of staying sober. But something happened to him on the way home. He says he doesn't even know what it was. After that moment, the desire to drink and do drugs left him. He's been clean and sober for 5 years now. So try not to worry about whether he wants it or not. Either way, he just might get it. My husband went through 2 rehabs. He's been sober now for 19 years. He got away from AA for many years but he's back now. And I've been back in alanon for 4 years.

Have you checked out the addiction and recovery board? If you wish, I'd be glad to jump on there to talk and listen.

Jess, you have gone way above and beyond what anyone could ever expect you to. So

NO GUILT!!!!

Let it go. Send your hubby off to rehab with a smile and a kiss. Find a place for mom that will treat her as you would if you could. And tell Brian you understand and that it's ok for him to go on with his life. If you haven't already told him, he needs to hear that from you.

Cry and vent all you need to. But don't spend one more second on guilt.

I've been there and done that.

Love, Barb
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Old 03-11-2007, 12:03 PM   #4
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Re: very sad news

Oh Jess I was hoping your mom would remain happy but one never really knows with this.

I thought I sniffed a bit of alanon out of your posts. Takes one to know one. You know my friends there really helped me when my dad (Ad and non-drinking alcoholic) was here with me. And though it may not be the healthiest way, Brian is doing a good thing by detaching. He needs some space and he realizes that it wouldn't be wise now not to take it. And he's worried about you too. Sometimes what we think we're hiding well is the very thing everyone knows about and is afraid to talk about. Now that your husband is going into rehab, it can free you and the rest of your family up to talk about it if you all wish. Whether or not your husband is going to rehab for himself or whether he's going just to satisfy someone isn't for anyone to say. I have a BIL who went through 5 rehabs and a couple of half way houses and a 3/4 house. The last time he went to rehab was just like the rest. He went there with no intention of staying sober. He got out of there after 28 days and left with no intention of staying sober. But something happened to him on the way home. He says he doesn't even know what it was. After that moment, the desire to drink and do drugs left him. He's been clean and sober for 5 years now. So try not to worry about whether he wants it or not. Either way, he just might get it. My husband went through 2 rehabs. He's been sober now for 19 years. He got away from AA for many years but he's back now. And I've been back in alanon for 4 years.

Have you checked out the addiction and recovery board? If you wish, I'd be glad to jump on there to talk and listen.

Jess, you have gone way above and beyond what anyone could ever expect you to. So

NO GUILT!!!!

Let it go. Send your hubby off to rehab with a smile and a kiss. Find a place for mom that will treat her as you would if you could. And tell Brian you understand and that it's ok for him to go on with his life. If you haven't already told him, he needs to hear that from you.

Cry and vent all you need to. But don't spend one more second on guilt.

I've been there and done that.

Love, Barb
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Old 03-11-2007, 05:14 PM   #5
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Re: very sad news

I'm so sorry for you, Jess . I hope you send your mother away before your family collapses around you. Bless your heart! Remember: NO GUILT!!

It's a matter of doing the best you can and making the best
decisions you are able to at the time. No kicking yourself because
you're not Superwoman and, heaven help you, you actually
need to sleep! The Bible says "To everything there is a season, a time
and place for everything under heaven" (Ecclesiastes 3) and that even
covers the time to seek help caring for your loved one with AD and/or
residential care.

An old friend of mine sent me the above quote. I find it really applicable to your situation.

Love,

Martha

 
Old 03-12-2007, 09:49 AM   #6
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Re: very sad news

Hmmmm, wonder why my last post got posted twice....and at different times....???

How are you today, Jess?

Love, Barb
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Old 03-13-2007, 06:12 AM   #7
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Re: very sad news

Oh Jess,

I feel for you. It's so easy to slip into that "maybe they'll be all right this time." I have so many visits with mom where she seems totally reasonable and I constantly second-guess myself about bringing her back to live with me.

It seems like the further you get from all the stress and turmoil and chaos, the more you think you can do it differently next time. Then the guilt settles in like a fine mist..................

I know Barb and Martha are right. Deep down, I know it.

You do have to let go of it, though. You've done everything humanly possible to put your Mom first in your life and tend to her well-being. But you have to take care of YOU, too. You have to be there for the rest of your family.

What sad times we endure with this disease. It's just devastating.

In a way, seeing mom's good days in the "group home," helps me keep her there. We didn't have many of those when she was with me. Sometimes I think I should be able to take care of her as well as they do (guilt), then I remind myself:

I could never leave the house or shop until hubby was home to watch Mom. Then she would scream and cry because she couldn't go. (This never happens there because they have a staff to watch them.)

She would follow me all day, creeping, and repeating. (Again, a staff at the home keeps her occupied)

She wouldn't eat or take meds, since she thought I was poisoning her. (Everything is regimented there. Eat at the same time, shower at the same time. No "free" time to conjur up delusions.)

I had to sleep in a locked bedroom with outside doors locked and barred. (The staff there have meds and are more informed of when to give them for sleeping, etc.)

Her life there is totally regimented. She does the exact same thing every day, no chaos, no turmoil. That just isn't possible in my home. Sometimes friends pop in, or grandkids sleep over, or hubby works late. The slightest shift in our schedule sent Mom to her room, howling and screaming for days..............

To me, it seems like such a sad life for her at the home, but by comparison, all the chaos is gone. She lives relatively peacefully. There is no howling or screaming or hitting......

And, I do have to remind myself often. I keep thinking I could do it right next time. But, really, I couldn't. I don't think one person could ever do it. It's just too hard.

Take care Jess. Take a break. Take care of yourself. And as Martha and Barb said.........No Guilt!....You've done everything you can........
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Old 03-14-2007, 12:07 PM   #8
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Re: very sad news

Dear jess (((((hugs)))))

I wish I could sit down with you for a cuppa and a good cry. you have tried to so hard! you have done everything possible to give your mum the love and care we all want them to have. all this while also coping with a family and that other awful disease of alcoholism. I too have been in al-anon and thank god for it!

one part of me wants to say it is time to just place your mum and let yourself mourn for the losses that this illness has caused you. the other part of me hates it when people try and tell me what is best so I respect your decision to care for your mum. may be the cost of caring is getting to high now.
what would you mum think about what is happening, i mean you real mum who was there before this disease stole her away, would she want you to be this exhausted and tired from caring for her?

as other have said, no guilt... you have done your best
all the best jess....I will be keeping you in my thoughts

lolly

 
Old 03-20-2007, 08:53 PM   #9
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Exclamation Re: very sad news

I am so so sorry Honey,
my thoughts and prayers are with you, your mom and loved ones.
Please NO GUILT! You need to get your mom in a n.h. before you and yours have a nervous break down. Please don't think I am being cold hearted I am not.
My grandfather, mom's dad and my grandmother my mom's mother they lived near a intersection and my grandfather walked out in the middle of the freeway and a man had a wreak almost killed himself trying to hit my grandfather. It scared and shook my grandmother up, took both her daughters and son to talk her to putting him in a n.h. she knew it was the best thing for him he could have killed himself and others but the guilt she felt. I don't want to see this happen to you, your mom, loved ones and some one else maybe getting hurt if she walked out in the street.
I know it's devastating it's hard taking care of a love one of friend with this vile disease and seeing them in this state. ( I think I don't want to ask mom because it is so painful loosing her dad to this but he did still all of his senses still and he knew who he was but he became blind, had bad headaches and couldn't remember things he'd forget where he was he said he wanted to commit sucide he knew he was a burden to my grandmother and loved her enough yo want to free himself from him) sorry I am crying.
And The things she is saying she has no idea she is saying them. That is Not her that's the vile disease talking.
I wish you all love and peace and my prayers and thoughts are with all of you through this.
Angel Shadows.
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